1) When someone you dislike or currently do not appreciate attempts to speak with you via Facebook chat/msn, you must remain calm. Do not type to them to "eff off", as that will appear very untasteful on your part. Instead, harness your mental powers, and mentally tell them off with code and hidden psychic powers.
2) When they type to you "hey*", you will then say "oh hey!"**
3) They will then type "what's up"(or something of the sorts) and you will say "absolutely nothing, how are you these days?"***, in your most coolest of online voice.
4) They will probably say "great" and you will mentally tell them "eff you. i wanna smack you."
5) The conversation will continue in an awkward fashion, because at this point they will be beginning to recieve a strange vibe due to your subliminal mental messages etc.
6) When they begin monologue-ing about the end of the conversation ex. going offline, you will not reply.****
7) After a few minutes of silence, end the conversation with: "k bye."*****
*to start the conversation. There is a possibility they may also start with something along the lines of "hi", "heyz", "hay", "suppy", "cielo", "ciao", "bonjour", "ques-ce-sup", "howsit" etc.
**code: "eff you i donwanna talk go eff some other hobag you F!@@#$%%$%r"
***code: "eff you how do you not know what is up witme i effing hate you i hope you slipped in your own shiz repeatedly lately."
****This will cause guilt on their end.
***** code: "eff you."
Monday, December 28, 2009
How To: Win Over Your Cat
1) If you have just began to live with a cat, or you are a long time cat sitter, or you generally live with a cat, you know that you do not own your cat. Kitty owns you.
2) To win over your cat, you must first realize that kitty will never fully love you. They will appreciate you sometimes (ie. when you feed them) but generally, your cat just ignores you. So, make sure that you are always in their face.*
3) Pet/snuggle often. Even if your kitty attempts to escape, remind yourself that you are bigger and stronger (most likely)**.
4) Let kitty go outside whenever kitty pleases.
5) Hang around the screen door so that when your cat comes to it (wanting to come in), you will let them in immediately. Afterwards, follow it wherever they go, ensuring that they are aware that it was you who let them in.
6) Have conversations*** frequently.
7) If none of these suggestions help, you must now cover yourself in Catnip and go outside onto the street (to a neighbourhood with many cats).
8) When other cats arrive to hang out with you, ensure that your kitty is in sight.
9) Your cat will most likely become jealous, which will most likely result in a cat fight****.
10) When fighting finally ceases, walk off into the sunset with your cat. This will officially win your kitty over as cats love happy endings.
*always being around your cat will force kitty to take notice of you in a big way. That way, they can't ignore you.
**Remind yourself often that kitty is probably more scared of you than you are of it.
***Allow your cat to speak often, you do not want to trouble kitty with your melodrama.
****Literally.
2) To win over your cat, you must first realize that kitty will never fully love you. They will appreciate you sometimes (ie. when you feed them) but generally, your cat just ignores you. So, make sure that you are always in their face.*
3) Pet/snuggle often. Even if your kitty attempts to escape, remind yourself that you are bigger and stronger (most likely)**.
4) Let kitty go outside whenever kitty pleases.
5) Hang around the screen door so that when your cat comes to it (wanting to come in), you will let them in immediately. Afterwards, follow it wherever they go, ensuring that they are aware that it was you who let them in.
6) Have conversations*** frequently.
7) If none of these suggestions help, you must now cover yourself in Catnip and go outside onto the street (to a neighbourhood with many cats).
8) When other cats arrive to hang out with you, ensure that your kitty is in sight.
9) Your cat will most likely become jealous, which will most likely result in a cat fight****.
10) When fighting finally ceases, walk off into the sunset with your cat. This will officially win your kitty over as cats love happy endings.
*always being around your cat will force kitty to take notice of you in a big way. That way, they can't ignore you.
**Remind yourself often that kitty is probably more scared of you than you are of it.
***Allow your cat to speak often, you do not want to trouble kitty with your melodrama.
****Literally.
How To: Decipher Between a Tomato and a Tomato
1) The only way to tell the difference between a tomato and a tomato is if you are within five feet* of the tomato or tomato.
2) Once you are within five feet*, you will have a solid understanding of the tomato or tomato and the attributes which accompany it.
3) Make a list of the attributes which accompany your tomato/tomato
4) Once list is fully completed** look for such descriptors as "generally disgusting" and "would look nice on a sandwich." etc.
5) Cross such descriptors off of list, as they are compatible for both a tomato and a tomato.
6) Search list for an attribute such as "sneaky lil devil". Or within a sentence such as: "I assume that kid on stage would appreciate my angst avec*** him if I threw this sneaky lil devil in his general direction." etc. ******
7) If attribute does not occupy a line or space on your list, throw your tomato or tomato over your shoulder.
8) If the tomato or tomato bursts and obliderates the scene facing your derriere****, you know that that was most certainly a tomato. If it does not burst, you know in fact that it was a tomato.
9) Note: Asking someone with an accent to accompany you with deciphering between a tomato and a tomato will only confuse matters.
*being within five feet of the the tomato/tomato ensures that you may feel/smell/throw/taste said tomato/tomato. This way, deciphering between the two is much simpler.
**Minimum 20 attributes (discluding such attributes as "vegetable", "supple", "rouge", and "n00bish" - unless you are still in the third grade).
***with*****
****behind*****
*****francais optional
******if list has either of these descriptors on it, you know that it is in fact a tomato.
2) Once you are within five feet*, you will have a solid understanding of the tomato or tomato and the attributes which accompany it.
3) Make a list of the attributes which accompany your tomato/tomato
4) Once list is fully completed** look for such descriptors as "generally disgusting" and "would look nice on a sandwich." etc.
5) Cross such descriptors off of list, as they are compatible for both a tomato and a tomato.
6) Search list for an attribute such as "sneaky lil devil". Or within a sentence such as: "I assume that kid on stage would appreciate my angst avec*** him if I threw this sneaky lil devil in his general direction." etc. ******
7) If attribute does not occupy a line or space on your list, throw your tomato or tomato over your shoulder.
8) If the tomato or tomato bursts and obliderates the scene facing your derriere****, you know that that was most certainly a tomato. If it does not burst, you know in fact that it was a tomato.
9) Note: Asking someone with an accent to accompany you with deciphering between a tomato and a tomato will only confuse matters.
*being within five feet of the the tomato/tomato ensures that you may feel/smell/throw/taste said tomato/tomato. This way, deciphering between the two is much simpler.
**Minimum 20 attributes (discluding such attributes as "vegetable", "supple", "rouge", and "n00bish" - unless you are still in the third grade).
***with*****
****behind*****
*****francais optional
******if list has either of these descriptors on it, you know that it is in fact a tomato.
Monday, December 21, 2009
How To: Be an Asshole
1. Do not shower or wear deoderant*
2. Raise your arms in the air at any given opportunity.
3. Go up to someone and say, "holy crap! you staaaank!", then walk away.
4. If you are walking in front of people, make many sudden stops. If your abrupt stops cause someone to run into you, begin yelling at them**
5. Next, go to McDonalds and order a big mac, without lettuce and special sauce. Also ask them to remove the extra meat patty and bun***
6. Leave McDonalds in a fit of rage. (a "bet on it" breakout would be appropriate at this time)
7. If you happen to notice an old lady struggling to get across the street, push her down and say, "HURRY UP G-MA!"
8. Put gum all over the cross walk buttons.
9. Sexest jokes are VERY funny to all people.****
10. It's always your turn to talk.
*This is highly over-rated and a complete waste of your precious time.
**Eg: "IMMA BATCH SLAP YA SHAT BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or, "imma cut you......"
***Once you see the burger begin yelling, "WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS A FREAKING QUARTER POUNDER, I ASKED FOR A BIG MAC YOU ASS HOLE."
****If your listeners aren't laughing, repeat the punch line.
2. Raise your arms in the air at any given opportunity.
3. Go up to someone and say, "holy crap! you staaaank!", then walk away.
4. If you are walking in front of people, make many sudden stops. If your abrupt stops cause someone to run into you, begin yelling at them**
5. Next, go to McDonalds and order a big mac, without lettuce and special sauce. Also ask them to remove the extra meat patty and bun***
6. Leave McDonalds in a fit of rage. (a "bet on it" breakout would be appropriate at this time)
7. If you happen to notice an old lady struggling to get across the street, push her down and say, "HURRY UP G-MA!"
8. Put gum all over the cross walk buttons.
9. Sexest jokes are VERY funny to all people.****
10. It's always your turn to talk.
*This is highly over-rated and a complete waste of your precious time.
**Eg: "IMMA BATCH SLAP YA SHAT BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or, "imma cut you......"
***Once you see the burger begin yelling, "WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS A FREAKING QUARTER POUNDER, I ASKED FOR A BIG MAC YOU ASS HOLE."
****If your listeners aren't laughing, repeat the punch line.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
How To: Waste a Snow Day
1) Go to school.*
2) Once at school, stay at school no matter what.**
3) Go to the Library, and take out magazine***
4) Leave magazine in class and lose happiness forever.
5) Once you have lost your happiness, begin hanging out with strange people****. Ex: a boy who talks/dances/jumps up and down with his hands in the air muttering "what's up what's up"
6) Wear shorts and sandals. - Go outside and shiver for a few minutes while watching the happy kids play happily. Then, go inside and watch a movie about the Vietnam war. Do not go back outside.
7) Have a personal conversation with teacher, mostly because they are the only person dumb enough to come to school that day (other than the fact that they are getting paid to).
8) Go on Facebook and MSN and text with people who are at home. Listen to their joy about this wonderous day of white.
7) Cry silently.
*Even if they say on the radio that all busses are cancelled, school is probably on. Skipping for a school day is for time wasters and yeti's (yeti's need these days to prey on unsuspecting snow blowers and bunnies).
**If one of your friends asks you to go frolic in the snow with them instead of watching the Matrix in English class... don't go. Going with them will be fun. Therefore, wastage of snow day= failure. Failure = you. You = suck.
***J14, Seventeen, YouthGirl, Rollingstone (only if there's a hottie on the front), Bark, Discoverykidz etc. are all reasonable choices.
****They are the only ones who are at school anyways.
2) Once at school, stay at school no matter what.**
3) Go to the Library, and take out magazine***
4) Leave magazine in class and lose happiness forever.
5) Once you have lost your happiness, begin hanging out with strange people****. Ex: a boy who talks/dances/jumps up and down with his hands in the air muttering "what's up what's up"
6) Wear shorts and sandals. - Go outside and shiver for a few minutes while watching the happy kids play happily. Then, go inside and watch a movie about the Vietnam war. Do not go back outside.
7) Have a personal conversation with teacher, mostly because they are the only person dumb enough to come to school that day (other than the fact that they are getting paid to).
8) Go on Facebook and MSN and text with people who are at home. Listen to their joy about this wonderous day of white.
7) Cry silently.
*Even if they say on the radio that all busses are cancelled, school is probably on. Skipping for a school day is for time wasters and yeti's (yeti's need these days to prey on unsuspecting snow blowers and bunnies).
**If one of your friends asks you to go frolic in the snow with them instead of watching the Matrix in English class... don't go. Going with them will be fun. Therefore, wastage of snow day= failure. Failure = you. You = suck.
***J14, Seventeen, YouthGirl, Rollingstone (only if there's a hottie on the front), Bark, Discoverykidz etc. are all reasonable choices.
****They are the only ones who are at school anyways.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How To: Use a Pickup Line
1) If you are attracted to someone but do not know how to spark a conversation with them, you are ready to use a pickup line.
2) Walk up to them*, and stay cool**
3) At this point, you can either use a pickup line you have heard before (ex. you:"hi, my name is Dayte Mi" hottie from across the room:"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Date Me!")
4) If you have never heard a pickup line before, just listen in on the conversation that your hottie from across the room is having. When you hear an interesting sentence that could be interpreted in a different (sexual) manner, repeat the sentence in a different (hilarious) voice, exentuating the interpretation you have taken, and making sure you are now a part of the conversation. ***
5) If you cannot do this, just make the situation even more hilarious by showing off your "interpretive skillz" and "comedic skillz."***
6) Break the ice! By telling them something interesting about your day*****.
7) Make sure you follow them around as much as possible, constantly using the steps above for pickup lines. As well, offer to buy them as much stuff as they can carry in their arms. Being rich is attractive, just look at Donald Trump.******
8) If your hottie from across the room is deaf, use signs to interpret to them what you are doing (which is trying to pick them up with your sweet lines).
9) If your hottie from across the room is not deaf, chances are you have probably picked them up by now.
*Do not yell across the room at them, that will make everyone aware of your intentions, and will therefore make you un-mysterious/un-attractive.
**Cool= like an ice sculpture, you do not want to be too expressive. However, do not lock your face in anything other than a calm, collected, "2kool4skool" face (fart face is unnacceptable at this point). Cool is also not tripping right in front of them and grabbing at "extremities" to keep yourself from falling on your face.
***ex. original sentence: "I just went to the bakery and bought fifty muffins." exentuated sentence: "OOOH you boughts us MUFFINS?! At the Baaeeekerray? Do the muffaains tasste gooood?"
****ex. original sentence: "I just had a french oral exam." interpretive skillz sentence: "ooooh, yoouu had a ORAL francais? hey?? Well, you probably passed that exam, you know what I mean?? Hey hey?? You would probably be a good teacher hey? Wanna tutor me? I'm free all the time!! DATE ME."
*****Chances are your life is lame, so just make something up. Tell them a story about something you saw on tv, but instead of the main characters name (ex. Crocodile Hunter or Tyra) use your own.
******The guy has a combover and is married to a supermodel.
2) Walk up to them*, and stay cool**
3) At this point, you can either use a pickup line you have heard before (ex. you:"hi, my name is Dayte Mi" hottie from across the room:"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Date Me!")
4) If you have never heard a pickup line before, just listen in on the conversation that your hottie from across the room is having. When you hear an interesting sentence that could be interpreted in a different (sexual) manner, repeat the sentence in a different (hilarious) voice, exentuating the interpretation you have taken, and making sure you are now a part of the conversation. ***
5) If you cannot do this, just make the situation even more hilarious by showing off your "interpretive skillz" and "comedic skillz."***
6) Break the ice! By telling them something interesting about your day*****.
7) Make sure you follow them around as much as possible, constantly using the steps above for pickup lines. As well, offer to buy them as much stuff as they can carry in their arms. Being rich is attractive, just look at Donald Trump.******
8) If your hottie from across the room is deaf, use signs to interpret to them what you are doing (which is trying to pick them up with your sweet lines).
9) If your hottie from across the room is not deaf, chances are you have probably picked them up by now.
*Do not yell across the room at them, that will make everyone aware of your intentions, and will therefore make you un-mysterious/un-attractive.
**Cool= like an ice sculpture, you do not want to be too expressive. However, do not lock your face in anything other than a calm, collected, "2kool4skool" face (fart face is unnacceptable at this point). Cool is also not tripping right in front of them and grabbing at "extremities" to keep yourself from falling on your face.
***ex. original sentence: "I just went to the bakery and bought fifty muffins." exentuated sentence: "OOOH you boughts us MUFFINS?! At the Baaeeekerray? Do the muffaains tasste gooood?"
****ex. original sentence: "I just had a french oral exam." interpretive skillz sentence: "ooooh, yoouu had a ORAL francais? hey?? Well, you probably passed that exam, you know what I mean?? Hey hey?? You would probably be a good teacher hey? Wanna tutor me? I'm free all the time!! DATE ME."
*****Chances are your life is lame, so just make something up. Tell them a story about something you saw on tv, but instead of the main characters name (ex. Crocodile Hunter or Tyra) use your own.
******The guy has a combover and is married to a supermodel.
How To: Drink a Nova-Nova
1. Order a extra large Nova-Nova (coffee with nine creams, nine sugars) from Tim Hortons*
2. Once your beverage is recieved, do not begin to fret if it is very chunky, this is only because of the large sugar quantities within the Nova-Nova.
3. Before drinking, make sure that the sugar is thoroughly mixed, otherwise you will end up with a sugar wasteland at the bottom of your cup.
4. Commence your drinking.**
5. If you begin to feel ill, DO NOT give up***
6. Upon completion, it is very appropriate to burst out in cheer and/or song, even if you are by yourself.****
*Caution: Do NOT ask for a Deca-Deca, as this will create a sugar/cream/coffee overload which will not fit in the XL (extra large) cup.
**Do not intake more than you can chug. This may result in serious injury or death.
***Giving up will make you appear to be a complete NOOB. People may want to exile you from Canada.
****Appropriate cheers: "HELL YEAHZ BEYATCHEZ, I CAME FROM THE STREETS, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW- JUST DRANKIN UP A NOVA-NOVA!", "YAYZ! I JUST TOTES DRANK A NOVA-NOVA!! CUZ IMMA SUPER NOVA!! LOLZ! WHO WANTS TO DATE ME??!!!!!!"
Appropriate songs: "I Am Beautiful - Christina Aguilara", "Numa Numa - O-Zone", "3 (times 3) - Britney Spears"
Want to see how the original How To: Drink a Nova Nova went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
2. Once your beverage is recieved, do not begin to fret if it is very chunky, this is only because of the large sugar quantities within the Nova-Nova.
3. Before drinking, make sure that the sugar is thoroughly mixed, otherwise you will end up with a sugar wasteland at the bottom of your cup.
4. Commence your drinking.**
5. If you begin to feel ill, DO NOT give up***
6. Upon completion, it is very appropriate to burst out in cheer and/or song, even if you are by yourself.****
*Caution: Do NOT ask for a Deca-Deca, as this will create a sugar/cream/coffee overload which will not fit in the XL (extra large) cup.
**Do not intake more than you can chug. This may result in serious injury or death.
***Giving up will make you appear to be a complete NOOB. People may want to exile you from Canada.
****Appropriate cheers: "HELL YEAHZ BEYATCHEZ, I CAME FROM THE STREETS, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW- JUST DRANKIN UP A NOVA-NOVA!", "YAYZ! I JUST TOTES DRANK A NOVA-NOVA!! CUZ IMMA SUPER NOVA!! LOLZ! WHO WANTS TO DATE ME??!!!!!!"
Appropriate songs: "I Am Beautiful - Christina Aguilara", "Numa Numa - O-Zone", "3 (times 3) - Britney Spears"
Want to see how the original How To: Drink a Nova Nova went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
How To: Eat An Octo-Mac
1. Request for an Octo-Mac from McDonalds.*
2. Once Octo-Mac has been recieved (don't worry if it takes the cooks a long time to make) find a suitable seating place, where many fellow McDonalds customers can watch you eat.
3. Retrieve yourself many napkins.
4. Clasp the Octo-Mac firmly between your two hands (one hand on each side) and pray for good luck, because you will need it.
5. DO NOT try to complete Octo-Mac in one bite.**
6. Start off by biting a piece from the Octo-Mac.***
7. You may start to realize the overwhelming amount of patties, but do not let this frighten you, because there are only eight.
8. Gradually let your bites get bigger, until your are comfortable with eating mouthfuls.****
9. Continue eating until the Octo-Mac is complete.
10. After completion of Octo-Mac, severe nausea may occur*****
11. Caution: major street cred may now occur.
*If they do not comprehend, ask for a Double Big Mac with four extra patties.
**This will not work, and can only end up in total failure. Also, people will assume you are a noob when you do this and spray you with water.
***You may notice grease dripping from the Octo-Mac, dirtying your designated eating area but do not worry, this is why you are equipped with many napkins
****Warning: at this point, people may stare at you, but it is only out of pure jealousy.
*****Nibbling on some McNuggets will make you feel better, since they contain only the finest chickens, this will settle your stomach, and allow you to feel top notch for the rest of the day.
Want to see how the original How To: Eat an Octo Mac went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
2. Once Octo-Mac has been recieved (don't worry if it takes the cooks a long time to make) find a suitable seating place, where many fellow McDonalds customers can watch you eat.
3. Retrieve yourself many napkins.
4. Clasp the Octo-Mac firmly between your two hands (one hand on each side) and pray for good luck, because you will need it.
5. DO NOT try to complete Octo-Mac in one bite.**
6. Start off by biting a piece from the Octo-Mac.***
7. You may start to realize the overwhelming amount of patties, but do not let this frighten you, because there are only eight.
8. Gradually let your bites get bigger, until your are comfortable with eating mouthfuls.****
9. Continue eating until the Octo-Mac is complete.
10. After completion of Octo-Mac, severe nausea may occur*****
11. Caution: major street cred may now occur.
*If they do not comprehend, ask for a Double Big Mac with four extra patties.
**This will not work, and can only end up in total failure. Also, people will assume you are a noob when you do this and spray you with water.
***You may notice grease dripping from the Octo-Mac, dirtying your designated eating area but do not worry, this is why you are equipped with many napkins
****Warning: at this point, people may stare at you, but it is only out of pure jealousy.
*****Nibbling on some McNuggets will make you feel better, since they contain only the finest chickens, this will settle your stomach, and allow you to feel top notch for the rest of the day.
Want to see how the original How To: Eat an Octo Mac went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How To: Pwn Noobs
1. In order to pwn a noob, you can not be a noob yourself*
2. Find a noob**
3. Attract your noobs attention by yelling out, "free hugs!"***
4. Once your noob is attention is focused completely on you, pull out your water gun, and spray the noob in the face.****
5. Upon being sprayed with water, the noob should begin melting.
6. Congratulations, you have officially just pwned a noob.
*To find out whether you are a noob or not, ask your neighbourhood gamer.
**You can find a noob in any public setting. You will know right away when you see a one.
***This will attract your noob because all noobs are very lonely and love hugs.
****At this time, it would be appropriate to begin yelling, "BOOM! HEAD SHOT!"
2. Find a noob**
3. Attract your noobs attention by yelling out, "free hugs!"***
4. Once your noob is attention is focused completely on you, pull out your water gun, and spray the noob in the face.****
5. Upon being sprayed with water, the noob should begin melting.
6. Congratulations, you have officially just pwned a noob.
*To find out whether you are a noob or not, ask your neighbourhood gamer.
**You can find a noob in any public setting. You will know right away when you see a one.
***This will attract your noob because all noobs are very lonely and love hugs.
****At this time, it would be appropriate to begin yelling, "BOOM! HEAD SHOT!"
How To: Meet the Parents
1) Find some parents*
2) Invite yourself over. They will obviously want this to happen, seeing as you are so blindingly attractive and kind**
3) Once at house, ensure that parents have more/equally attractive offspring.***
4) If offspring is attractive, compliment them profusely. Do not: maul/insult them.
5) Parents will now be aware of you and their offsprings new relationship.****
*common places to locate parents: PTA meetings, playgrounds, Safeway, Disneyland, McDonalds, Camp Rock/Twilight movie premiers etc.
**To give off the appearance that you are kind, pat child of parents on head or otherwise compliment people. Do not: push child to ground. Insult anybody. Punch somebody in the face. Etc.
***If attractive offspring is not present, do not enter house. Run.
****If offspring disagrees, parents will obviously be on your side. If child persists, you may then maul/insult them until they agree. You will then reward them with a small gift of coffee beans and all will be forgiven.
Disclaimer: If you have seen the film "Meet the Parents/Fockers", you are only required to refer to this How To briefly before meeting them.
2) Invite yourself over. They will obviously want this to happen, seeing as you are so blindingly attractive and kind**
3) Once at house, ensure that parents have more/equally attractive offspring.***
4) If offspring is attractive, compliment them profusely. Do not: maul/insult them.
5) Parents will now be aware of you and their offsprings new relationship.****
*common places to locate parents: PTA meetings, playgrounds, Safeway, Disneyland, McDonalds, Camp Rock/Twilight movie premiers etc.
**To give off the appearance that you are kind, pat child of parents on head or otherwise compliment people. Do not: push child to ground. Insult anybody. Punch somebody in the face. Etc.
***If attractive offspring is not present, do not enter house. Run.
****If offspring disagrees, parents will obviously be on your side. If child persists, you may then maul/insult them until they agree. You will then reward them with a small gift of coffee beans and all will be forgiven.
Disclaimer: If you have seen the film "Meet the Parents/Fockers", you are only required to refer to this How To briefly before meeting them.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
How To: Write a Seductive Letter
1) Find someone attractive* enough to write a letter to
2) Once said attractive* person has been located, find paper and pen.**
3) Begin describing their beauty. Ex: "You are excessively attractive. I am unworthy. But I must be alright since you are reading this, so therefore, we should totes d8."
4) Describe what you think about them. Ex: "I think that I might begin to stalking you. Don't worry, it's not that creepy, I'm just watching you sleep. Edward Cullen does it all the time."
5) Playfully threaten them. Ex: "If you don't want to d8 me it's okay, i'll just die alone. Wait, who am I kidding, you're coming with me right? haha lolz. roflcopter. lolocaust. get it?"
6) Talk about your strong points***. Ex: Self Esteem.
7) Once you have completed your letter, you must sign your name with a seductive/mysterious pen name.****
8) And a artistic heart after your pen name will complete the letter, and send your "letter reciever" into a frenzy.
*vital for effective poeticness. if said "letter reciever" is unnattractive/grannie like, letter will lack in seductiveness (ex. your stupid face makes me want to run you over with the ride on lawn mower, so i can share you with everybody)
**Ability to write is needed. If you cannot, buy yourself an iphone and download the "learn how to write" application.
***DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. it will make you appear needy/super lame.
****A pen name that is the name of an already famous author will give you ultimate seductive qualities as well as badassness and credibility*****
*****Ex: Tim O'Brien - acclaimed vietnam war author, Carolyn Bergmann - author of "The Common Sense Guide to Parenting Teens", Henry Spencer Ashbee- erotic novelist.
2) Once said attractive* person has been located, find paper and pen.**
3) Begin describing their beauty. Ex: "You are excessively attractive. I am unworthy. But I must be alright since you are reading this, so therefore, we should totes d8."
4) Describe what you think about them. Ex: "I think that I might begin to stalking you. Don't worry, it's not that creepy, I'm just watching you sleep. Edward Cullen does it all the time."
5) Playfully threaten them. Ex: "If you don't want to d8 me it's okay, i'll just die alone. Wait, who am I kidding, you're coming with me right? haha lolz. roflcopter. lolocaust. get it?"
6) Talk about your strong points***. Ex: Self Esteem.
7) Once you have completed your letter, you must sign your name with a seductive/mysterious pen name.****
8) And a artistic heart after your pen name will complete the letter, and send your "letter reciever" into a frenzy.
*vital for effective poeticness. if said "letter reciever" is unnattractive/grannie like, letter will lack in seductiveness (ex. your stupid face makes me want to run you over with the ride on lawn mower, so i can share you with everybody)
**Ability to write is needed. If you cannot, buy yourself an iphone and download the "learn how to write" application.
***DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. it will make you appear needy/super lame.
****A pen name that is the name of an already famous author will give you ultimate seductive qualities as well as badassness and credibility*****
*****Ex: Tim O'Brien - acclaimed vietnam war author, Carolyn Bergmann - author of "The Common Sense Guide to Parenting Teens", Henry Spencer Ashbee- erotic novelist.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
How To: Avoid Getting the Swine Flu
1. Do not hang out* with any swiney wineys or swiners**
2. Avoid contact with people at all costs.***
3. Wear a protective mask and gloves.****
4. Do not high five. Instead, go for the casual high elbow.
5. Do not go to high populated areas*****
6. SANITIZE as much as possible. (You should go through a bottle per day)
7. Only eat food that has been packaged and never opened.
8. Never listen to people when they say swine flu is not as bad as the regular flu.******
*This may be difficult since many swiners are also liars. So if they say they don't have it.. they have it. And if they say that they do have it.. they have it.
**Swiney wineys/swiners: people that have contracted the swine flu (because they did not read this how to)
***If any contact does occur, shower. Five times.
****And anything else that will completely cover your skin
*****School, shopping areas, athletical purpose fields/courts.
******Fact: the swine flu is deadly.
2. Avoid contact with people at all costs.***
3. Wear a protective mask and gloves.****
4. Do not high five. Instead, go for the casual high elbow.
5. Do not go to high populated areas*****
6. SANITIZE as much as possible. (You should go through a bottle per day)
7. Only eat food that has been packaged and never opened.
8. Never listen to people when they say swine flu is not as bad as the regular flu.******
*This may be difficult since many swiners are also liars. So if they say they don't have it.. they have it. And if they say that they do have it.. they have it.
**Swiney wineys/swiners: people that have contracted the swine flu (because they did not read this how to)
***If any contact does occur, shower. Five times.
****And anything else that will completely cover your skin
*****School, shopping areas, athletical purpose fields/courts.
******Fact: the swine flu is deadly.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
How To: Fail a Drivers Test
1) Lock self out of car
2) Once in car, compliment driving assessor with something like "have you been dieting?"*
3) Turn key, and also stereo. This will ensure that the driving assessor cannot hear you when you begin cussing when you hit stuff en route.
4) Whilst the volume is fully turned up, begin telling your life story**
5) Ensure that life story has many tear jerking moments, as well as hilarity and many dramatic pauses and stanzas. ***
6) Speed alot. Especially through park/school zones.
7) Collide with things at random.**
8) Run multiple stop signs and red lights.**
9) At this point, the driving assessor will most likely have realized that you have been mega distracting him with your life story/the "fly beets" that you have been "cranking" throughout your trip, so now they will be quite angry with you. However, they will not lecture you, they will just write stuff down with a huffy breath. At this point, freaking out and getting nervous is applicable.
10) Repeat steps 6-8****
11) Once back at starting point, you will then be notified of your failure.
12) Pout.*****
*response will be something along the lines of "why do you think I have been dieting?" and you will then respond with a cheery, "no reason, I just assumed you probably should be." (cue smile)
**Do not shoulder check at any cost.
***You may lie if your life is that boring.
****After speeding through one more school/park zone, you may now begin to tell your deepest darkest secrets to the assessor. And then remind them that now they can't fail you. That will go over very well.
*****Disclosure: crying is for sissy's.
2) Once in car, compliment driving assessor with something like "have you been dieting?"*
3) Turn key, and also stereo. This will ensure that the driving assessor cannot hear you when you begin cussing when you hit stuff en route.
4) Whilst the volume is fully turned up, begin telling your life story**
5) Ensure that life story has many tear jerking moments, as well as hilarity and many dramatic pauses and stanzas. ***
6) Speed alot. Especially through park/school zones.
7) Collide with things at random.**
8) Run multiple stop signs and red lights.**
9) At this point, the driving assessor will most likely have realized that you have been mega distracting him with your life story/the "fly beets" that you have been "cranking" throughout your trip, so now they will be quite angry with you. However, they will not lecture you, they will just write stuff down with a huffy breath. At this point, freaking out and getting nervous is applicable.
10) Repeat steps 6-8****
11) Once back at starting point, you will then be notified of your failure.
12) Pout.*****
*response will be something along the lines of "why do you think I have been dieting?" and you will then respond with a cheery, "no reason, I just assumed you probably should be." (cue smile)
**Do not shoulder check at any cost.
***You may lie if your life is that boring.
****After speeding through one more school/park zone, you may now begin to tell your deepest darkest secrets to the assessor. And then remind them that now they can't fail you. That will go over very well.
*****Disclosure: crying is for sissy's.
Monday, November 16, 2009
How To: Make the Most of Your Local State of Emergency
1) Ignore all warning announcements, go check it out yourself*
2) Assess the severity of the emergency on a scale of 1-10**
3) alksefja;lskf YOU WILL asdfadfLKJAF be okayyy***
4) Go to most effected area of emergency****
5) Upon your arrival, take advantage of the situation. ex. Skimboard.
6) As the severity of the emergency increases, you should begin praying for your life*****
7) AFTER THAT
8) YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU WILL LOSE ENERGY
8) and eventulay you wil beg'sin to git reaal tired.******
9) death is now imminent.
*If it is legitimately an emergency, your senses will alert you upon your arrival
**If the emergency is beyond a 5 on your personal emergency scale; begin flailing your extremities in the air whilst scampering around in a constant circle. Screaming is acceptable at this point.
***NOTE: This "How To" was written in a state of emergency (scale=9), therefore all gramatic or spelling errors are a result of fright/horror.
**** ex. the newly formed lake at your athletical*** purpose field/place where in shape people haaang.
*****such as: screaming "OH MY DEAR ADSL;FKJASDLKJAGOD COME SAVE USSSSSS!!!!! plz +thxu"
****** you should prob call the po po at this point, since they prob dont already know there's an emergency.******* plus they are probably all on donut break anyways.
*******1-250-911********
******** or desired area code
2) Assess the severity of the emergency on a scale of 1-10**
3) alksefja;lskf YOU WILL asdfadfLKJAF be okayyy***
4) Go to most effected area of emergency****
5) Upon your arrival, take advantage of the situation. ex. Skimboard.
6) As the severity of the emergency increases, you should begin praying for your life*****
7) AFTER THAT
8) YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU WILL LOSE ENERGY
8) and eventulay you wil beg'sin to git reaal tired.******
9) death is now imminent.
*If it is legitimately an emergency, your senses will alert you upon your arrival
**If the emergency is beyond a 5 on your personal emergency scale; begin flailing your extremities in the air whilst scampering around in a constant circle. Screaming is acceptable at this point.
***NOTE: This "How To" was written in a state of emergency (scale=9), therefore all gramatic or spelling errors are a result of fright/horror.
**** ex. the newly formed lake at your athletical*** purpose field/place where in shape people haaang.
*****such as: screaming "OH MY DEAR ADSL;FKJASDLKJAGOD COME SAVE USSSSSS!!!!! plz +thxu"
****** you should prob call the po po at this point, since they prob dont already know there's an emergency.******* plus they are probably all on donut break anyways.
*******1-250-911********
******** or desired area code
Sunday, November 15, 2009
How To: Make the Most Out of Your Birthday
1. Create and present a birthday speach.*
2. Flaunt all your gifts to everyone you know.**
3. If you have not received a gift from a certain family member, simply manipulate them into doing whatever you want them to, because after all, you got them a present for their birthday.***
4. Wear a birthday hat, so that everyone knows it is legitimately your birthday****
5. Go out for birthday breakfast, lunch and dinner.*****
6. Once home, take advantage of your birthday-ness by doing everything that you normally can`t and do things that are unnecessary, just for the sake of not getting in trouble since it is your birthday.
7. When receiving your birthday cake, make sure there is enough candles to match your new age. If the cake maker got lazy and only gave your one or not enough candles, refuse to look at the cake (and cake maker) until there is a correct amount.
8. Congradulations, you have officially made the most out of your birthday.******
*Creating a speach may be difficult, so here is a guide line of a good birthday speach: ``hey bitchez, itz MY bday so u best not b messin wit me. i want my prezzies wrapped and my cards enveloped nd they bttr b comin all day cuz imma bday gurl 2day.``
**Do not over-flaunt to sketchy people, as they may steal your beloved posession(s). TIP: avoid people with mustaches, including your own father (or mother) if he (or she) has one.
***This may not work as thoroughly if you did not get them a present for their birthday.
****Make sure to wear the hat from 12am to 11:59pm to fully embrace your birthday hours.
*****When at the restaurant, demand that you recieve a birthday discount on your meal(s). If the waiter questions that it is actually your birthday, simply gesture towards your birthday hat.
******Warning: many people may hate you tomorrow.
2. Flaunt all your gifts to everyone you know.**
3. If you have not received a gift from a certain family member, simply manipulate them into doing whatever you want them to, because after all, you got them a present for their birthday.***
4. Wear a birthday hat, so that everyone knows it is legitimately your birthday****
5. Go out for birthday breakfast, lunch and dinner.*****
6. Once home, take advantage of your birthday-ness by doing everything that you normally can`t and do things that are unnecessary, just for the sake of not getting in trouble since it is your birthday.
7. When receiving your birthday cake, make sure there is enough candles to match your new age. If the cake maker got lazy and only gave your one or not enough candles, refuse to look at the cake (and cake maker) until there is a correct amount.
8. Congradulations, you have officially made the most out of your birthday.******
*Creating a speach may be difficult, so here is a guide line of a good birthday speach: ``hey bitchez, itz MY bday so u best not b messin wit me. i want my prezzies wrapped and my cards enveloped nd they bttr b comin all day cuz imma bday gurl 2day.``
**Do not over-flaunt to sketchy people, as they may steal your beloved posession(s). TIP: avoid people with mustaches, including your own father (or mother) if he (or she) has one.
***This may not work as thoroughly if you did not get them a present for their birthday.
****Make sure to wear the hat from 12am to 11:59pm to fully embrace your birthday hours.
*****When at the restaurant, demand that you recieve a birthday discount on your meal(s). If the waiter questions that it is actually your birthday, simply gesture towards your birthday hat.
******Warning: many people may hate you tomorrow.
How To: Wish Somone a Happy Birthday
1) Be positive that it is indeed their b-day
2) Purchase Beyonce's chart topping album "B'DAY"*
3) Find b-day-ee's house**
4) Throw album through b-day-ee's window.***
5) When a ruckass begins within house****, it is recommended that you hide.
6) Upon finding your gift in their bedroom, you will then hear cheers of joy and ecstasy.
7) Go home.
8) A few hours after returning home, go onto facebook and write "HAPPY B-DAY BOIII/GURRL! isn't this just like DEJA VU from last year?"
9) They will of course recognize the inference you have made and invite you to their b-day party immediately.
*Found at Wal-Mart. Weekdays: can often be found in $5 bin. Do not miss out on this incredible opportunity to shake your groove thang to Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm!" or "Deja Vu"
**Stalking is occasionally permitted if the situation requires
***Window closed? No worries, broken/cracked/shattered glass only adds to the dramatic effect of your wishing of a happy birthday
****They may believe you are a robber or stalker**
2) Purchase Beyonce's chart topping album "B'DAY"*
3) Find b-day-ee's house**
4) Throw album through b-day-ee's window.***
5) When a ruckass begins within house****, it is recommended that you hide.
6) Upon finding your gift in their bedroom, you will then hear cheers of joy and ecstasy.
7) Go home.
8) A few hours after returning home, go onto facebook and write "HAPPY B-DAY BOIII/GURRL! isn't this just like DEJA VU from last year?"
9) They will of course recognize the inference you have made and invite you to their b-day party immediately.
*Found at Wal-Mart. Weekdays: can often be found in $5 bin. Do not miss out on this incredible opportunity to shake your groove thang to Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm!" or "Deja Vu"
**Stalking is occasionally permitted if the situation requires
***Window closed? No worries, broken/cracked/shattered glass only adds to the dramatic effect of your wishing of a happy birthday
****They may believe you are a robber or stalker**
How To: "High Five"
1) When two people are enthused by one another, often, the urge to connect hands in a slapping motion occurs.
2) Do not fight this urge.*
3) Lock eyes
4) With a wild grin***, raise preferred hand****
5) If you are a lefty**** and your "high five" partner is not, the following steps will be quite tricky.
6)With extra care, swing your arm/hand towards theirs in unison with your partner. Across the body is most natural.
7) Connect hands in a loud slapping motion.******
8) Grin wildly with all of your teeth. Attempting to be a Ho Fo Sho at this point is UNACCEPTABLE (refer: "How To: Be a Ho Fo Sho")*******
9) Info: "High Five" is a term for the traditional way to slap hands in unison due to enthusiastic measures. You may also upgrade the status of your "High Five" by adding steps/dance moves/words/sneezes/movie quotes into your "High Five" routine. However, in doing so, you must find a different name for your slapping of hands ritual (ex. "High Fifteen" etc.). Also, your "hand slap-ee" must be aware of the additions to the routine. Otherwise, awkwardness will ensue.
*Fighting the urge will result in catastrophic** awkwardness.
**not dogastropic/dawgastrophic or kittycatastrophic. Using any of these words will result in confusion by all.
***A cheer is occasionally acceptable at this point
****knuckles of fingers aligned with eyeline, palm facing High Five-ee, arm and hand slightly ahead of body is most common. This is the universal action/symbol that you "want to "HIGH FIVE!"
*****Someone who goes against nature and uses their left hand for activities
******"Were we successful?"- If others in the room turn to watch or view the aftermath due to the large slapping noise, or cheer, or exclaim "get down! someone has a gun!", or asks you out on a date, or asks you to leave because your rowdiness is off the charts; you have then successfully "high five"'d.
*******Laughter is now permitted
2) Do not fight this urge.*
3) Lock eyes
4) With a wild grin***, raise preferred hand****
5) If you are a lefty**** and your "high five" partner is not, the following steps will be quite tricky.
6)With extra care, swing your arm/hand towards theirs in unison with your partner. Across the body is most natural.
7) Connect hands in a loud slapping motion.******
8) Grin wildly with all of your teeth. Attempting to be a Ho Fo Sho at this point is UNACCEPTABLE (refer: "How To: Be a Ho Fo Sho")*******
9) Info: "High Five" is a term for the traditional way to slap hands in unison due to enthusiastic measures. You may also upgrade the status of your "High Five" by adding steps/dance moves/words/sneezes/movie quotes into your "High Five" routine. However, in doing so, you must find a different name for your slapping of hands ritual (ex. "High Fifteen" etc.). Also, your "hand slap-ee" must be aware of the additions to the routine. Otherwise, awkwardness will ensue.
*Fighting the urge will result in catastrophic** awkwardness.
**not dogastropic/dawgastrophic or kittycatastrophic. Using any of these words will result in confusion by all.
***A cheer is occasionally acceptable at this point
****knuckles of fingers aligned with eyeline, palm facing High Five-ee, arm and hand slightly ahead of body is most common. This is the universal action/symbol that you "want to "HIGH FIVE!"
*****Someone who goes against nature and uses their left hand for activities
******"Were we successful?"- If others in the room turn to watch or view the aftermath due to the large slapping noise, or cheer, or exclaim "get down! someone has a gun!", or asks you out on a date, or asks you to leave because your rowdiness is off the charts; you have then successfully "high five"'d.
*******Laughter is now permitted
Friday, November 6, 2009
How To: Achieve a German Boyfriend
1. Smile at your desired German whenever you can*
2. When he smiles back, strike a conversation with him
3. Hit on him in German, by saying, "ich will an ihnen riechen"**
4. If he is thoroughly impressed, he will ask you to join him for lunch
5. While at lunch, order shnitzel and beer***
6. When he asks you to be his girlfriend, say "nein", then say, "just kidding! jajajajajaja"
7. Now you officially have a German boyfriend.
*Although, it is suggested you do not smile for periods longer than 3 seconds as you may come off as creepy.
**His reply should be of flattery, but if not, just run (you do not want to mess around with an angry German)
***This will make him very impressed, and want to date you.
2. When he smiles back, strike a conversation with him
3. Hit on him in German, by saying, "ich will an ihnen riechen"**
4. If he is thoroughly impressed, he will ask you to join him for lunch
5. While at lunch, order shnitzel and beer***
6. When he asks you to be his girlfriend, say "nein", then say, "just kidding! jajajajajaja"
7. Now you officially have a German boyfriend.
*Although, it is suggested you do not smile for periods longer than 3 seconds as you may come off as creepy.
**His reply should be of flattery, but if not, just run (you do not want to mess around with an angry German)
***This will make him very impressed, and want to date you.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How To: Not Be Seen
1) Hide behind a bush or grassy knoll etc*
2) Ensure that you cannot be seen
3) If a man with a proper british accent says your name, your profession, the location of your household and the city in which you live, you will be enticed to stand up when he tells you to. This is a trap. Do not stand up.**
4) Be wary of your choice of hiding places.***
5) If you have chosen an ineffective hiding spot***, do not attempt to fool**** the man with the british accent. He will find you.
6) Never tell your neighbours where you are going. They will tell the british man, and you will be seen.*****
*trees, forestry, long grass, signs, fenceposts, stop signs, fatty's, bathtubs, desks, open fields, grannies, giraffes, John Cleese, automobiles, flower beds, shop windows and priests are all acceptable alternatives.
**If you stand up, you will be shot.
***Ex. a lone bush in an open field. This is seen easily as a place where someone cannot be seen. Therefore, it can easily be blown to smitherines.
****more than one bush in an open field as to throw them off
*****Your neighbour will (soon afterwards) be snuffed. Along with his home, and the place in which he was born.
For a demonstration of this informative How To, please search: How not to be seen (monty python) on youtube.
2) Ensure that you cannot be seen
3) If a man with a proper british accent says your name, your profession, the location of your household and the city in which you live, you will be enticed to stand up when he tells you to. This is a trap. Do not stand up.**
4) Be wary of your choice of hiding places.***
5) If you have chosen an ineffective hiding spot***, do not attempt to fool**** the man with the british accent. He will find you.
6) Never tell your neighbours where you are going. They will tell the british man, and you will be seen.*****
*trees, forestry, long grass, signs, fenceposts, stop signs, fatty's, bathtubs, desks, open fields, grannies, giraffes, John Cleese, automobiles, flower beds, shop windows and priests are all acceptable alternatives.
**If you stand up, you will be shot.
***Ex. a lone bush in an open field. This is seen easily as a place where someone cannot be seen. Therefore, it can easily be blown to smitherines.
****more than one bush in an open field as to throw them off
*****Your neighbour will (soon afterwards) be snuffed. Along with his home, and the place in which he was born.
For a demonstration of this informative How To, please search: How not to be seen (monty python) on youtube.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
How To: Shop for Shoes
1) You must be friends with Kelly to effectively shop for shoes*
2) Hate your twin and your parents and defy them at any cost.** Ex: go out and get what you want.
3) Call all of your friends (but not all of them, that would take too much of your time), and talk about shoes
4) Tell them*** that you are going out shoe shopping with them
5) Go in to every shoe store and judge their shoes accordingly with words such as "Ohmygod" and "these shoes ruleee" and "these shoes suck."****
6) Remember, boys know nothing.
7) In between shoe shopping, go party*****
8) You MUST buy any pair of shoes that are $300. If not, you will appear to be a n00b.
9) If any biatch****** tries to tell you that you have big feet, fight her.
10) Since you are obviously friends with Kelly once you are shoe shopping with her, you now may call everyone a biatch****** at random. It is expected of you.
*for a teaser of what your frienship with Kelly may entail, check out the vid "shoes" on youtube (look for the really pretty blonde wearing glasses)
**they thought you wanted condoms, but you know what you want. and since you are a strong, confident woman, you know where to get em.
***they really dont have a choice
****It's okay to get angry every once and a while, so let it out
*****Invite robots to the party, but don't let anyone dance the robot (it will just be embarassing for everyone)
****** biatch- pronounced: "Ba-tch"
2) Hate your twin and your parents and defy them at any cost.** Ex: go out and get what you want.
3) Call all of your friends (but not all of them, that would take too much of your time), and talk about shoes
4) Tell them*** that you are going out shoe shopping with them
5) Go in to every shoe store and judge their shoes accordingly with words such as "Ohmygod" and "these shoes ruleee" and "these shoes suck."****
6) Remember, boys know nothing.
7) In between shoe shopping, go party*****
8) You MUST buy any pair of shoes that are $300. If not, you will appear to be a n00b.
9) If any biatch****** tries to tell you that you have big feet, fight her.
10) Since you are obviously friends with Kelly once you are shoe shopping with her, you now may call everyone a biatch****** at random. It is expected of you.
*for a teaser of what your frienship with Kelly may entail, check out the vid "shoes" on youtube (look for the really pretty blonde wearing glasses)
**they thought you wanted condoms, but you know what you want. and since you are a strong, confident woman, you know where to get em.
***they really dont have a choice
****It's okay to get angry every once and a while, so let it out
*****Invite robots to the party, but don't let anyone dance the robot (it will just be embarassing for everyone)
****** biatch- pronounced: "Ba-tch"
Monday, October 12, 2009
How To: Attain and Maintain a Food Baby
1. Eat roughly about 1/4 of your weight in food*
2. Do NOT exercise**
3. Sit or lay down for about 5 minutes while your baby grows to it's maximum size
4. Record the size of your baby on a wall so you can compare it to the future sizes of your food babies
5. Wear a revealing shirt to show how protruding your baby is***
6. Keep eating every 5 minutes so your food baby doesn't perish****
7. If anyone asks how many months along you are, simply say, "Oh it's only been 5 miunutes"*****
8. If you wish to maintain your food baby, keep eating every 5 minutes, and every hour eat 1/8 of your body weight. If you are uncomfortable with the attention you recieve from having a food baby, stop eating until the food baby starves to death.
*Eat as fast as possible, that way you won't feel full
**This is crucial that you don't exercise, because when you exercise, you sweat away your baby (could be concidered as murder)
***Such as a tube top will a hole cut out for your stomach to show
****Only eat snacks. If you eat too much, your food baby will explode.
*****If the person seems shocked or disgusted, know that their reaction is just out of pure jealousy, so ignore it.
2. Do NOT exercise**
3. Sit or lay down for about 5 minutes while your baby grows to it's maximum size
4. Record the size of your baby on a wall so you can compare it to the future sizes of your food babies
5. Wear a revealing shirt to show how protruding your baby is***
6. Keep eating every 5 minutes so your food baby doesn't perish****
7. If anyone asks how many months along you are, simply say, "Oh it's only been 5 miunutes"*****
8. If you wish to maintain your food baby, keep eating every 5 minutes, and every hour eat 1/8 of your body weight. If you are uncomfortable with the attention you recieve from having a food baby, stop eating until the food baby starves to death.
*Eat as fast as possible, that way you won't feel full
**This is crucial that you don't exercise, because when you exercise, you sweat away your baby (could be concidered as murder)
***Such as a tube top will a hole cut out for your stomach to show
****Only eat snacks. If you eat too much, your food baby will explode.
*****If the person seems shocked or disgusted, know that their reaction is just out of pure jealousy, so ignore it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
How To: Cover Up a Bad Haircut
1. Recieve a bad haircut*
2. Dye your hair a bright, unusual colour, to distract lookers from your bad haircut**
3. If you are uncomfortable with dying your hair, try covering up your head with an abnormally large hat, such as a sombrero.***
4. Travel to Mexico, so you fit in.****
5. Attain a good looking***** Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend (that has nice hair)
6. Wait until your hair grows back, then return home with your Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend.
7. When your friends see you with your hot boyfriend they will be so jealous/proud that they will forgive you for your hurtful words.******
*It is suggested you cut your own hair, or go to Great Clips
**Purple or ginger works best
***If you happen to be a flaming racist and do not want to wear a sombrero, try cutting everyone's hair to look worse than yours, therefore making you look babe-a-licious. (warning, this may start a mob, as people will not appriciate you destroying their hair)
****But do not tell your friends your reason for going. Simply tell them, "u guyz r boring. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. im goin 2 mexi cuz i wanna party.. ttyl suckaz"
*****The good looking part is crucial to making your friends jealous when you return home
******And they will never know you had a bad haircut!
2. Dye your hair a bright, unusual colour, to distract lookers from your bad haircut**
3. If you are uncomfortable with dying your hair, try covering up your head with an abnormally large hat, such as a sombrero.***
4. Travel to Mexico, so you fit in.****
5. Attain a good looking***** Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend (that has nice hair)
6. Wait until your hair grows back, then return home with your Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend.
7. When your friends see you with your hot boyfriend they will be so jealous/proud that they will forgive you for your hurtful words.******
*It is suggested you cut your own hair, or go to Great Clips
**Purple or ginger works best
***If you happen to be a flaming racist and do not want to wear a sombrero, try cutting everyone's hair to look worse than yours, therefore making you look babe-a-licious. (warning, this may start a mob, as people will not appriciate you destroying their hair)
****But do not tell your friends your reason for going. Simply tell them, "u guyz r boring. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. im goin 2 mexi cuz i wanna party.. ttyl suckaz"
*****The good looking part is crucial to making your friends jealous when you return home
******And they will never know you had a bad haircut!
Friday, October 9, 2009
How To: Hit on a Waiter/Waitress at a Restaurant
1) Sit down at desired table at restaurant*
2) Insist that you are seated at a table where your intended "hitee" serves**
3) When asked to order, start with drinks. Order water***. Your server will then ask "are you sure" (as water has no cost) and then you may begin conversing with them.
4) After allowing them to go fetch your drink, giggle alot when they return
5) Ask for the specials (when they ask)
6) Ask them to repeat the specials many times (when they ask why you arent listening, tell them you were lost in their eyes, and distracted by how beautiful their voice was)
7) When telling them your order, subtley add your phone number to your request****
8) As you are waiting for your order, ask the restaurant dj/manager to play a list of songs*****
7) When they return, thank them profusely and tell them you aren't sure if you are going to like it, so come and ask how you are doing alot just in case
8) Every time they come back, tell them there is something wrong with your food and you want something else (repeat steps until you are satisfied)
9) Once finished your meal, do not lick plate
10) Instead, in the remenants of your meal (ex: chocolate sauce) write your number/email address/home address/mothers home address/GPA/a cute saying describing your love for your server by Robert Frost or Judy Garland
11) Do same with bill
12) Before leaving, leave handsome tip******
13) Return 5-12 hours later and repeat steps.
*these tips will not help you unless you are at a restaurant. If you are somewhere like Abercrombie and Fitch and use these tips, you will not be successful (fyi: if you have to use tips at Abercrombie and Fitch you aren't good enough for anyone who works there)
**if you were unsucessful with "hitee" before this time, do not give up. You've seen the movies, one of these days those lucky buggers will come around.
***not only is it really tough, but it will show the person that you are saving your money so you may pamper them with gifts. Also, you will probably be returning alot, so spending all your money on drinks is not desired.
****ex. "I would like the Steak medium 555-3456 rare area code 534 with a side salad, coleslaw and pork rinds please." (adding your email adress when ordering dessert is often acceptable as well)
*****ex: "I know you want me" - Pitbull, "See You Again" - Miley Cyrus, "Sexyback" - JT, "You Belong with Me" - Taylor Swift, "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon, "Roxanne" - The Police
******handsome tip= half your bills worth. This will win them over if they did not seem to be enthused by you earlier in the day.
2) Insist that you are seated at a table where your intended "hitee" serves**
3) When asked to order, start with drinks. Order water***. Your server will then ask "are you sure" (as water has no cost) and then you may begin conversing with them.
4) After allowing them to go fetch your drink, giggle alot when they return
5) Ask for the specials (when they ask)
6) Ask them to repeat the specials many times (when they ask why you arent listening, tell them you were lost in their eyes, and distracted by how beautiful their voice was)
7) When telling them your order, subtley add your phone number to your request****
8) As you are waiting for your order, ask the restaurant dj/manager to play a list of songs*****
7) When they return, thank them profusely and tell them you aren't sure if you are going to like it, so come and ask how you are doing alot just in case
8) Every time they come back, tell them there is something wrong with your food and you want something else (repeat steps until you are satisfied)
9) Once finished your meal, do not lick plate
10) Instead, in the remenants of your meal (ex: chocolate sauce) write your number/email address/home address/mothers home address/GPA/a cute saying describing your love for your server by Robert Frost or Judy Garland
11) Do same with bill
12) Before leaving, leave handsome tip******
13) Return 5-12 hours later and repeat steps.
*these tips will not help you unless you are at a restaurant. If you are somewhere like Abercrombie and Fitch and use these tips, you will not be successful (fyi: if you have to use tips at Abercrombie and Fitch you aren't good enough for anyone who works there)
**if you were unsucessful with "hitee" before this time, do not give up. You've seen the movies, one of these days those lucky buggers will come around.
***not only is it really tough, but it will show the person that you are saving your money so you may pamper them with gifts. Also, you will probably be returning alot, so spending all your money on drinks is not desired.
****ex. "I would like the Steak medium 555-3456 rare area code 534 with a side salad, coleslaw and pork rinds please." (adding your email adress when ordering dessert is often acceptable as well)
*****ex: "I know you want me" - Pitbull, "See You Again" - Miley Cyrus, "Sexyback" - JT, "You Belong with Me" - Taylor Swift, "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon, "Roxanne" - The Police
******handsome tip= half your bills worth. This will win them over if they did not seem to be enthused by you earlier in the day.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
How To: Be Kevin Gnapoor
1) join the mathletes
2) make a business card*
3) ensure that business card describes you to your best potential**
4) ensure that business card entails something about you being a Badass MC
5) show off your Badass MC skillz at school's annual christmas talent show***
6) give neat nicknames to hot chicks
7) only date women of colour
*this is vital, you need something to hand out to all the ladies who ask fo yo numba
**one line is all you really need. Just your name, and two of your skillz
***remember to associate yourself with james bond, and to mention something about shaggy and multiple women you can obviously attain
2) make a business card*
3) ensure that business card describes you to your best potential**
4) ensure that business card entails something about you being a Badass MC
5) show off your Badass MC skillz at school's annual christmas talent show***
6) give neat nicknames to hot chicks
7) only date women of colour
*this is vital, you need something to hand out to all the ladies who ask fo yo numba
**one line is all you really need. Just your name, and two of your skillz
***remember to associate yourself with james bond, and to mention something about shaggy and multiple women you can obviously attain
Saturday, October 3, 2009
How To: Look Cool at Tim Hortons
1. Only order drinks with caffeine
2. If you choose to order coffee, demand for a double double*/**
3. If you want to order food, it is suggested you get the soup and baquette combo***
4. Make sure to lick the bowl clean.
5. With a napkin, leave a note for Tim Horton's to remember you by.****
6. Leave gracefully*****
*double double: coffee with two creams, and two sugars.
**or deca deca. But nothing else.
***don't choose chili as your soup, for you will turn into a gas station. ("Gas station" -as quoted by papa dabean- means you are a person who releases toxic gases frequently)
****such as - "it waz gd. TYTYTY. if uz iz a male call dis # (insert your phone number here) t-bomb me l8r nd we can talk :D :D :D :D", or if you want to go for a more professional appeal, try, "hiz i liked da food thx... letz meet l8r... i'll b back 4 more food"
*****but not too gracefully
2. If you choose to order coffee, demand for a double double*/**
3. If you want to order food, it is suggested you get the soup and baquette combo***
4. Make sure to lick the bowl clean.
5. With a napkin, leave a note for Tim Horton's to remember you by.****
6. Leave gracefully*****
*double double: coffee with two creams, and two sugars.
**or deca deca. But nothing else.
***don't choose chili as your soup, for you will turn into a gas station. ("Gas station" -as quoted by papa dabean- means you are a person who releases toxic gases frequently)
****such as - "it waz gd. TYTYTY. if uz iz a male call dis # (insert your phone number here) t-bomb me l8r nd we can talk :D :D :D :D", or if you want to go for a more professional appeal, try, "hiz i liked da food thx... letz meet l8r... i'll b back 4 more food"
*****but not too gracefully
Thursday, October 1, 2009
How To: Be a Ho Fo Sho
1) watch music videos such as Don't Cha (Pussycat Dolls), These Boots (Jessica Simpson), Dirty (Xtina) and Party in the USA (Miley Cyrus)
2) study dance/walking moves carefully
3) insert these moves into everyday life*. If you cannot dance/walk, just mess up/flip your hair alot, it makes you look just as talented
4) whilst watching said music videos on repeat, study their choice in apparel**
5) insert said apparel into everyday life*
6) as you are watching these videos on repeat, keep in mind also to memorize all of the lyrics. This will help you in the long run, because now you can use them in everyday speech*** and everyone will find you mega sexy
7) Now that you have successfully inserted all of these moves into your everyday life*, speak really loudly about it wherever you are, so everyone can hear how much you are a ho fo sho. Because if they can't hear you talking about it, how is everyone supposed to know what you been up to or where their ho at?!
8) throw all previous morals out the window
*everyday life: walking around parks/your house/other persons house/the street/the street corner
**commonly chosen items: short shorts, belly shirts, lip/naval piercings, cowboy boots, mud/water, nude. For males: short shorts, high socks, headbands, diamond earings, BeWild kicks, belly shirt, fedora (for mastery on this look check Kevin Federline)
***Ex. "This is a lovely playground, it makes me wanna get rowdy, and possibly get a little unruly", "I was movin my hips like yeah when i hit that guy on the skateboard and he had to go to the hospital" and "don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? You probably wish she baked too, so I also bake brownies! lolercopter d8 me!!!!!!!"
2) study dance/walking moves carefully
3) insert these moves into everyday life*. If you cannot dance/walk, just mess up/flip your hair alot, it makes you look just as talented
4) whilst watching said music videos on repeat, study their choice in apparel**
5) insert said apparel into everyday life*
6) as you are watching these videos on repeat, keep in mind also to memorize all of the lyrics. This will help you in the long run, because now you can use them in everyday speech*** and everyone will find you mega sexy
7) Now that you have successfully inserted all of these moves into your everyday life*, speak really loudly about it wherever you are, so everyone can hear how much you are a ho fo sho. Because if they can't hear you talking about it, how is everyone supposed to know what you been up to or where their ho at?!
8) throw all previous morals out the window
*everyday life: walking around parks/your house/other persons house/the street/the street corner
**commonly chosen items: short shorts, belly shirts, lip/naval piercings, cowboy boots, mud/water, nude. For males: short shorts, high socks, headbands, diamond earings, BeWild kicks, belly shirt, fedora (for mastery on this look check Kevin Federline)
***Ex. "This is a lovely playground, it makes me wanna get rowdy, and possibly get a little unruly", "I was movin my hips like yeah when i hit that guy on the skateboard and he had to go to the hospital" and "don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? You probably wish she baked too, so I also bake brownies! lolercopter d8 me!!!!!!!"
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
How To: Run on Terry Fox Day
1. Construct an original animal costume*/**
2. Wear your best pair of runners
3. Begin your run.
4. Do not walk during your run, as you will appear to be a complete n00b.
5. When finished, shower yourself with a jug of gatorade***
6. Wait at finish line, and offer high fives to all. (except the ones that walked)
*But don't be a fox, because Terry has dibs on that. (don't mess around with Terry)
**If your costume requires pants, refer to the previous post.
***NOT powerade.
2. Wear your best pair of runners
3. Begin your run.
4. Do not walk during your run, as you will appear to be a complete n00b.
5. When finished, shower yourself with a jug of gatorade***
6. Wait at finish line, and offer high fives to all. (except the ones that walked)
*But don't be a fox, because Terry has dibs on that. (don't mess around with Terry)
**If your costume requires pants, refer to the previous post.
***NOT powerade.
How To: Put on Pants
1) grasp pants* by the brim of the garment (around the large gaping hole at top of article of clothing) and ensure that pants* are facing right direction: button and zipper facing away from you
2) tightly grasping the brim of the pants* insert one**foot through hole
3) aim foot for the right passage through the large hole at the top (typically, right foot goes through right hole and visa-versa avec*** left foot).
4) when foot is firmly on the ground, and your little piggies****are all in view from sticking out of the bottom pant hole, repeat with left foot from step 2. Afterwards, continue with steps.
5) With both feet set firmly on the ground, pull upwards (still grasping brim tightly) on pants*
6) Keep in mind not to pull too hard as you may get a wedgie*****
7) Once brim of pants* is sufficiently around hips/waist******continue by fastening button and zipping zipper.
8) Voila! you are wearing pants*!
*jeans/slacks/trousers/pantalon/pantaloni/not shorts
**advisory: inserting more than one foot will make you appear silly
***with
****reference to the childrens rhyme "this little piggie". In said rhyme, each of your toes is a specific little piggie, going off on their own in the world to such places as: the market etc. However, your pinky toe (the littlest piggie) is a bit of a mamas boy, and subsequently, goes all the way home.
*****Wedgie: having pants* or underwears bunched up and stuck between your gluteus maximus's (tooshie). To "pick your wedgie" simply refers to un-wedgieing yourself. This is a common term amongst youngsters aged 9-55.
******not knees
2) tightly grasping the brim of the pants* insert one**foot through hole
3) aim foot for the right passage through the large hole at the top (typically, right foot goes through right hole and visa-versa avec*** left foot).
4) when foot is firmly on the ground, and your little piggies****are all in view from sticking out of the bottom pant hole, repeat with left foot from step 2. Afterwards, continue with steps.
5) With both feet set firmly on the ground, pull upwards (still grasping brim tightly) on pants*
6) Keep in mind not to pull too hard as you may get a wedgie*****
7) Once brim of pants* is sufficiently around hips/waist******continue by fastening button and zipping zipper.
8) Voila! you are wearing pants*!
*jeans/slacks/trousers/pantalon/pantaloni/not shorts
**advisory: inserting more than one foot will make you appear silly
***with
****reference to the childrens rhyme "this little piggie". In said rhyme, each of your toes is a specific little piggie, going off on their own in the world to such places as: the market etc. However, your pinky toe (the littlest piggie) is a bit of a mamas boy, and subsequently, goes all the way home.
*****Wedgie: having pants* or underwears bunched up and stuck between your gluteus maximus's (tooshie). To "pick your wedgie" simply refers to un-wedgieing yourself. This is a common term amongst youngsters aged 9-55.
******not knees
Monday, September 28, 2009
How To: Jump on It
1. Blast "Jump on It" by Sir Mix Alot
2. Powerfully thrust forwards, with hands on hips
3. turn 90° to your right (with hands still on hips)
4. Thrust again. (hands still on hips)
5. Again, turn 90° to your right, and thrust (hands still on hips)
6. Turn 90° to your right once more, then thrust (hands still on hips)
7. While jumping, turn in a full circle while waving your right hand around in the air with your index finger sticking out*
8. If you do this correctly your dancing should be in perfect time with the music
9. It is okay to sing out loudly if you know the lyrics**
*So you are pointing to the dancing gods
**If you don't know the lyrics, you will appear to be a noob. So don't do it. Please.
2. Powerfully thrust forwards, with hands on hips
3. turn 90° to your right (with hands still on hips)
4. Thrust again. (hands still on hips)
5. Again, turn 90° to your right, and thrust (hands still on hips)
6. Turn 90° to your right once more, then thrust (hands still on hips)
7. While jumping, turn in a full circle while waving your right hand around in the air with your index finger sticking out*
8. If you do this correctly your dancing should be in perfect time with the music
9. It is okay to sing out loudly if you know the lyrics**
*So you are pointing to the dancing gods
**If you don't know the lyrics, you will appear to be a noob. So don't do it. Please.
How To: Be a Pokémon Master
1. Buy Pokémon trading cards*
2. Make sure you have a Pikachu**
3. Play Pokémon as often as possible, you will slowly rise up the ranks.
4. If you play often enough***, you will become a master in no time.
5. Once you are a master, don't become friends will Ash.
6. He is a no good wanna-be****
7. Join a Pokémon club*****
8. Spend whatever money you get on Pokémon cards.
9. Play in as many tournaments as possible. This will get you maximum street cred.******
10. Challenge anyone you see to a duel.
11. If they refuse, tell them they need to get a life*******
*The more you buy, the better
**Pikachu: lovable, yellow pokémon, that can make any pokémon his bitch.
***Often: 24/7
****A.k.a, he thinks Pikachu is his friend. (Pikachu is YOUR buddy)
*****This will get you many friends (and boyfriends)
******Street cred: (street credit) respect among the g's (gangsters; gang members)
*******Life: A.k.a, Pokémon
2. Make sure you have a Pikachu**
3. Play Pokémon as often as possible, you will slowly rise up the ranks.
4. If you play often enough***, you will become a master in no time.
5. Once you are a master, don't become friends will Ash.
6. He is a no good wanna-be****
7. Join a Pokémon club*****
8. Spend whatever money you get on Pokémon cards.
9. Play in as many tournaments as possible. This will get you maximum street cred.******
10. Challenge anyone you see to a duel.
11. If they refuse, tell them they need to get a life*******
*The more you buy, the better
**Pikachu: lovable, yellow pokémon, that can make any pokémon his bitch.
***Often: 24/7
****A.k.a, he thinks Pikachu is his friend. (Pikachu is YOUR buddy)
*****This will get you many friends (and boyfriends)
******Street cred: (street credit) respect among the g's (gangsters; gang members)
*******Life: A.k.a, Pokémon
How To: Make the Most of Your Hotel Stay (Inspired by MaddyBams)
1) Purchase hotel room*
2) Enter hotel room**
3) Once inside hotel room, immediately drop all belongings and make way to bathroom area
4) Once in bathroom area, check for complimentary soaps and lotions
5) Pick up said soaps/lotions, and insert into personal bag*** (The hotel will merely believe that you were very dirty during your stay.)
6) Next, avert your attention to the nearest coffee machine
7) Noticing the plethora of coffee satchels, sugar/sweetening packets and t-bags****, insert desired amount into personal bag***
8) Next, take a long, very hot shower (without worrying about losing hot water/paying more for it)
9) Next, turn on television and watch complementary*** cable tv
10) Beware of the "complementary" snacks in the mini fridge! These are NOT COMPLEMENTARY!*****
11) Afterwards, collect your belongings and head out the door. But, do remember to keep the keycard given to you as a souvenir.*******
*People will make you think that you need to stay for a night in order to make the most of your stay at a hotel, however they are incorrect. All you really need (if you are in a pinch) is a few hours.
**Entering the hotel room is key. If you do not enter the hotel room, then (simply put) you are not taking full advantage of your hotel room stay.
***This is not considered stealing. They are complimentary (given to you by the hotel as a gift. And what do you do with gifts? You take them graciously. Do you want to hurt the hotels feelings by not accepting their gift?).
****t-bags= tea bags
***** the opposite of free******
******not free
*******Place card in wallet. It will make you appear as though you have a unique visa/debit card. Therefore making you appear important/worldly.
2) Enter hotel room**
3) Once inside hotel room, immediately drop all belongings and make way to bathroom area
4) Once in bathroom area, check for complimentary soaps and lotions
5) Pick up said soaps/lotions, and insert into personal bag*** (The hotel will merely believe that you were very dirty during your stay.)
6) Next, avert your attention to the nearest coffee machine
7) Noticing the plethora of coffee satchels, sugar/sweetening packets and t-bags****, insert desired amount into personal bag***
8) Next, take a long, very hot shower (without worrying about losing hot water/paying more for it)
9) Next, turn on television and watch complementary*** cable tv
10) Beware of the "complementary" snacks in the mini fridge! These are NOT COMPLEMENTARY!*****
11) Afterwards, collect your belongings and head out the door. But, do remember to keep the keycard given to you as a souvenir.*******
*People will make you think that you need to stay for a night in order to make the most of your stay at a hotel, however they are incorrect. All you really need (if you are in a pinch) is a few hours.
**Entering the hotel room is key. If you do not enter the hotel room, then (simply put) you are not taking full advantage of your hotel room stay.
***This is not considered stealing. They are complimentary (given to you by the hotel as a gift. And what do you do with gifts? You take them graciously. Do you want to hurt the hotels feelings by not accepting their gift?).
****t-bags= tea bags
***** the opposite of free******
******not free
*******Place card in wallet. It will make you appear as though you have a unique visa/debit card. Therefore making you appear important/worldly.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
How To: Look Popular on Facebook
1. If you do not already have Facebook, go to http://www.facebook.com/ and make your account.
2. If you have a boring/embarassing name, change it to something subtle yet eye catching*
3. Once you have your account set up, add everyone to be your friend that appears in your "Suggestions" box.
4. Go to "Search" and search for common names**
5. Add everyone you find in your search results.
6. Keep doing this until you have about 400 friends***
7. If anyone writes on your wall saying, "who is this?" or, "do i know you?" simply reply**** with something mysterious like, "whoeva u want me 2 b ;)" or, "no... but u should get 2 no me ;) ...letz msg :D :D."
7. Now you need to impress all your new friends, so take cute pictures of yourself to use as your profile picture*****
8. Look through your friends, and choose about 10 that have the best profile pictures
9. Comment on their photos******
10. By doing this, everyone will think you have many boyfriends, so everyone will want to be your friend.
11. Now that you have everyones attention, it's time to change your status.
12. Change your status to something mind captivating such as, "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ;) <3 <3 <3 sum1 msg me da answer ;)"
13. This should officially make you the most popular Facebooker
*Examples: Danean Jeffy, Jar Jar Binks, or Daxflame
**Such as, Joannie, and Chachie
***This may take a while, but it will all be worth it in the end.
****Ensure that you reply on their wall, and not your own
*****It is recommended you use to steps displayed in, "How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day"
******Say flirty things such as, "roflurtotallycute. msg me ;)", or if you want to be more direct, "omgz!!!! ur hawt letz date now!!! :D :D :D"
2. If you have a boring/embarassing name, change it to something subtle yet eye catching*
3. Once you have your account set up, add everyone to be your friend that appears in your "Suggestions" box.
4. Go to "Search" and search for common names**
5. Add everyone you find in your search results.
6. Keep doing this until you have about 400 friends***
7. If anyone writes on your wall saying, "who is this?" or, "do i know you?" simply reply**** with something mysterious like, "whoeva u want me 2 b ;)" or, "no... but u should get 2 no me ;) ...letz msg :D :D."
7. Now you need to impress all your new friends, so take cute pictures of yourself to use as your profile picture*****
8. Look through your friends, and choose about 10 that have the best profile pictures
9. Comment on their photos******
10. By doing this, everyone will think you have many boyfriends, so everyone will want to be your friend.
11. Now that you have everyones attention, it's time to change your status.
12. Change your status to something mind captivating such as, "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ;) <3 <3 <3 sum1 msg me da answer ;)"
13. This should officially make you the most popular Facebooker
*Examples: Danean Jeffy, Jar Jar Binks, or Daxflame
**Such as, Joannie, and Chachie
***This may take a while, but it will all be worth it in the end.
****Ensure that you reply on their wall, and not your own
*****It is recommended you use to steps displayed in, "How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day"
******Say flirty things such as, "roflurtotallycute. msg me ;)", or if you want to be more direct, "omgz!!!! ur hawt letz date now!!! :D :D :D"
How To: Bet On It
1) Aquire all black outfit (jeans, tight* polo shirt, shoes)
2) Find golf course in middle of desert. Shut it down**
3) Stomp up large grass hill as if you are going somewhere important, and are late, then stop abruptly
4) Engage in extreme anger pose***
5) After a few minutes of varying anger poses, slam your hand rashly to the grass you stand upon (in anger)
6) Begin to scamper about the golf course
7) Stop occasionally in order to make several different poses (angry or otherwise. Modelesque/Haut Couture style is highly adviseable.)****
8) Punch the air as often as possible
9) Snap to the beat whenever you take a break from scampering
10) Suddenly, you are no longer on a golf course, but on a rocky mountain, do not be fooled, you are still Betting On It, so continue as directed. However, walk more tentatively, to show your emotions, and so that you do not trip on a rock.
11) Jump from rock into sand dune. You are now back at the golf course. Continue as directed.
12) Grab sand angrily, and once back into anger pose***, release sand forcefully
13) After an impromptu dance sequence, begin to play golf.
14) Improv dance sequence involving golf clubs
15) Hit your ball into a pond, retrieve ball. But not before gazing at yourself in the puddle below believably
16) Continue scampering gracefully
17) Finish with a triumph pose at top of rocky area you have visited before
18) Run off because you are late for work
*as to show off your rippling muscles/skinny physique
**you need your space. You are currently attempting to figure out some intense shiz through dance.
***legs shoulder length apart, slouched shoulders, head down, arms/hands tense and at your sides, slowly raising with your head as you begin to realize what you are angry about in song (keep left foot in time with the beat, this will make you appear even more tough)
****Ex: classic BoyBand chic moves like BackstreetBoys in "I Want it That Way". Or, a ballet dancer performing a hip hop routine. Remember to keep it tight, and passionate.
2) Find golf course in middle of desert. Shut it down**
3) Stomp up large grass hill as if you are going somewhere important, and are late, then stop abruptly
4) Engage in extreme anger pose***
5) After a few minutes of varying anger poses, slam your hand rashly to the grass you stand upon (in anger)
6) Begin to scamper about the golf course
7) Stop occasionally in order to make several different poses (angry or otherwise. Modelesque/Haut Couture style is highly adviseable.)****
8) Punch the air as often as possible
9) Snap to the beat whenever you take a break from scampering
10) Suddenly, you are no longer on a golf course, but on a rocky mountain, do not be fooled, you are still Betting On It, so continue as directed. However, walk more tentatively, to show your emotions, and so that you do not trip on a rock.
11) Jump from rock into sand dune. You are now back at the golf course. Continue as directed.
12) Grab sand angrily, and once back into anger pose***, release sand forcefully
13) After an impromptu dance sequence, begin to play golf.
14) Improv dance sequence involving golf clubs
15) Hit your ball into a pond, retrieve ball. But not before gazing at yourself in the puddle below believably
16) Continue scampering gracefully
17) Finish with a triumph pose at top of rocky area you have visited before
18) Run off because you are late for work
*as to show off your rippling muscles/skinny physique
**you need your space. You are currently attempting to figure out some intense shiz through dance.
***legs shoulder length apart, slouched shoulders, head down, arms/hands tense and at your sides, slowly raising with your head as you begin to realize what you are angry about in song (keep left foot in time with the beat, this will make you appear even more tough)
****Ex: classic BoyBand chic moves like BackstreetBoys in "I Want it That Way". Or, a ballet dancer performing a hip hop routine. Remember to keep it tight, and passionate.
How To: Cover Up Peeing Your Pants
1) Pee your pants
2) Realize that you have just peed your pants
3) Subtley* shuffle to the nearest vending machine
4) Purchase Apple Juice**
5) With much notice of others, spill/squirt/drip/dribble/leak or drop said Apple Juice onto "pee area" of pants
6) Make big deal about apparent spill, screaming things like "OH DANG!" or "MY NEW PANTS!" or "oh, well doesn't this look silly. I will have to go to the nurses office and get new pants." ****
7) After many profanities, exclaim loudly that "It appears as though I have soiled myself, but don't worry everybody, I have not!" or "I didn't pee myself I swear!" or "It's a good thing everyone saw me spill that drink on my pants, otherwise everyone would think I pizzed/jizzed myself! ROTFLOL***"
8) Everyone will now believe you have never peed ever.
*Do not attract attention
**Not Orange Juice or Cranberry Juice or Oatmeal or any kind of Soda/Carbonated Drink. None of these will appear to be urine. In fact, they may appear to be something of a much more embarassing excriment.
***lmaonade and lolocaust are appropriate at this point
****Looking down at the “pee area” distraughtly will also give you a chance to ensure that you did not spill on your leg instead of the designated “pee area”. If you missed the area, now would be the time to “accidentally” have a seizure. Or trip.
2) Realize that you have just peed your pants
3) Subtley* shuffle to the nearest vending machine
4) Purchase Apple Juice**
5) With much notice of others, spill/squirt/drip/dribble/leak or drop said Apple Juice onto "pee area" of pants
6) Make big deal about apparent spill, screaming things like "OH DANG!" or "MY NEW PANTS!" or "oh, well doesn't this look silly. I will have to go to the nurses office and get new pants." ****
7) After many profanities, exclaim loudly that "It appears as though I have soiled myself, but don't worry everybody, I have not!" or "I didn't pee myself I swear!" or "It's a good thing everyone saw me spill that drink on my pants, otherwise everyone would think I pizzed/jizzed myself! ROTFLOL***"
8) Everyone will now believe you have never peed ever.
*Do not attract attention
**Not Orange Juice or Cranberry Juice or Oatmeal or any kind of Soda/Carbonated Drink. None of these will appear to be urine. In fact, they may appear to be something of a much more embarassing excriment.
***lmaonade and lolocaust are appropriate at this point
****Looking down at the “pee area” distraughtly will also give you a chance to ensure that you did not spill on your leg instead of the designated “pee area”. If you missed the area, now would be the time to “accidentally” have a seizure. Or trip.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How To: Smies (Smile With Your Eyes)
1) Begin with blank face *
2) Slowly (as not to overdo it) allow under eyes to rise upwards**
3) Smile largely with mouth open
4) Hold face, then, slowly (with eyes remaining static in the same position) lower smile into a containable pout
5) Ensure that eyebrows are not too high (make you appear suprised), or too low (make you appear angry).
6) For maximum effect: begin with normal eyes, then quickly switch to Smies***
*if you begin with nothing, you will be amazed by the progress you can make
**at first you will appear to be squinting, do not be fooled, you are only a couple of steps away form smies-ing
***for an extra maximizing effect: hair flip slowly whilst wearing stilletos and couture outfit, and Smies like your life depends on it (but not too much, Smies-ing can infuriate those who do not have the gift like you now do) (however, feel free to work it)
2) Slowly (as not to overdo it) allow under eyes to rise upwards**
3) Smile largely with mouth open
4) Hold face, then, slowly (with eyes remaining static in the same position) lower smile into a containable pout
5) Ensure that eyebrows are not too high (make you appear suprised), or too low (make you appear angry).
6) For maximum effect: begin with normal eyes, then quickly switch to Smies***
*if you begin with nothing, you will be amazed by the progress you can make
**at first you will appear to be squinting, do not be fooled, you are only a couple of steps away form smies-ing
***for an extra maximizing effect: hair flip slowly whilst wearing stilletos and couture outfit, and Smies like your life depends on it (but not too much, Smies-ing can infuriate those who do not have the gift like you now do) (however, feel free to work it)
How To: Make Exclusive Friends
1. Go to a random work office*
2. Hide behind a plant in the corner, while office people are casually talking
3. Wait silently
4. Jump out, and yell "SPAGETT!"
5. Don't fret if they aren't scared, because they are just so flabbergasted about how cool/funny you are
6. While holding an enticing smile, say, "Tehe! Spook ya!"**
7. They will jump into your arms and say they want to be your new BFF***
8. Now you will need more friends to hang out with while your others are working...
9. Jump into a garbage bin outside of a restaurant
10. Wait until a worker tries to take out the trash
11. Jump up, throw his garbage bag back at him and yell "SPAGETT!"****
12. Normally, he will have no emotion on his face, and try to throw out the garbage again
13. Catch the bag once more, then throw it in the trash yourself.
14. He will undoubtingly jump in the garbage bin with you and become your new BFF***
*The bank works the best, that way your new buddies will have access to cash money
**But not too enticing, or they will think you're trying to date them (although, you can date them if you want... even though you already have a msn boyfriend)
***Or, if they're British, your BBFF.
****This will show him how funny/playful you are (a very desired trait in a friend)
2. Hide behind a plant in the corner, while office people are casually talking
3. Wait silently
4. Jump out, and yell "SPAGETT!"
5. Don't fret if they aren't scared, because they are just so flabbergasted about how cool/funny you are
6. While holding an enticing smile, say, "Tehe! Spook ya!"**
7. They will jump into your arms and say they want to be your new BFF***
8. Now you will need more friends to hang out with while your others are working...
9. Jump into a garbage bin outside of a restaurant
10. Wait until a worker tries to take out the trash
11. Jump up, throw his garbage bag back at him and yell "SPAGETT!"****
12. Normally, he will have no emotion on his face, and try to throw out the garbage again
13. Catch the bag once more, then throw it in the trash yourself.
14. He will undoubtingly jump in the garbage bin with you and become your new BFF***
*The bank works the best, that way your new buddies will have access to cash money
**But not too enticing, or they will think you're trying to date them (although, you can date them if you want... even though you already have a msn boyfriend)
***Or, if they're British, your BBFF.
****This will show him how funny/playful you are (a very desired trait in a friend)
How To: Be Shaq
1) Grow*
2) Eat alot ** and work out
3) Start playing basketball
4) Don't allow basketball to take over your life. Spread your 7'5 wingspan*** and try new things!
5) Become a rapper/actor/reality star and create such shows as "Shaq Vs." where you take on measley professionals (e.g. boxing) half your size and completely own the shiz out of them****
6) Ensure MTV Cribs is aware of your Superman obsession (i.e. the Superman Bed)
7) Since you are a very busy giant, do not worry about leaving basketball practice before the free throw session*****
8) Just because Steve Nash****** plays for the Pheonix Suns too, doesn't mean he can MVP you. Just take him on, one on one, on your new reality show!
9) Make a rap about Kobe Bryant. It'll be really interesting and thought provoking and everyone will love you for it.
10) According to Wikipedia, you now make $21,000,000 a year. Better start a fashion/modelling career while you can!*******
*7'1 is desired height
**This will ensure that you will grow to desired weight (325 lbs)
***Wingspan = the length of Shaquille O'Neal's arms when he stands like a magestic eagle
****allowable expressions for "completely own the shiz out of them" include expressions from previous post "How To: Become a Gamer"
***** The team/fans won't care too much if you miss a few free throws, right?
****** Steve Nash: Puny (6'3) Canadian (white) Basketball player from Victoria (silly little town you could wipe out if you sneezed)
*******We suggest you name your fashion label "Can't Look Away (I take up the whole screen) by Shaquille O'Neal"
2) Eat alot ** and work out
3) Start playing basketball
4) Don't allow basketball to take over your life. Spread your 7'5 wingspan*** and try new things!
5) Become a rapper/actor/reality star and create such shows as "Shaq Vs." where you take on measley professionals (e.g. boxing) half your size and completely own the shiz out of them****
6) Ensure MTV Cribs is aware of your Superman obsession (i.e. the Superman Bed)
7) Since you are a very busy giant, do not worry about leaving basketball practice before the free throw session*****
8) Just because Steve Nash****** plays for the Pheonix Suns too, doesn't mean he can MVP you. Just take him on, one on one, on your new reality show!
9) Make a rap about Kobe Bryant. It'll be really interesting and thought provoking and everyone will love you for it.
10) According to Wikipedia, you now make $21,000,000 a year. Better start a fashion/modelling career while you can!*******
*7'1 is desired height
**This will ensure that you will grow to desired weight (325 lbs)
***Wingspan = the length of Shaquille O'Neal's arms when he stands like a magestic eagle
****allowable expressions for "completely own the shiz out of them" include expressions from previous post "How To: Become a Gamer"
***** The team/fans won't care too much if you miss a few free throws, right?
****** Steve Nash: Puny (6'3) Canadian (white) Basketball player from Victoria (silly little town you could wipe out if you sneezed)
*******We suggest you name your fashion label "Can't Look Away (I take up the whole screen) by Shaquille O'Neal"
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day
1. Dress up a little*
2. Make sure your hair is pulled back (with lots of gel) this will make you appear as hot as a tea kettle (boys love that)
3. Give the photographer your most seductive smile**
4. Smile with your eyes***
5. While getting your photo taken think of Hilary Duff****, and copy her "2 cool 4 skool" swagger 6. Once photo is taken, demand to review it to make sure you have fulfilled your total model potential
7. If you are pleased with your picture, strut back to class
8. If you are not pleased with your picture, force the photographer to re-take your photo until you are completely content with your shot
9. Once you finally recieve your photos, throw them around the school and tape them to lockers with your number posted on them. This will get you many dates.
*A poofy dress should work fine, but for maximum wow-factor try your mothers wedding dress
**It doesn't matter if it turns out a little sexy, your g-ma will (should) love you no matter what.
***If you are unsure how, ask Tyra Banks
****It is important that you mimic her in her Lizzie McGuire days
2. Make sure your hair is pulled back (with lots of gel) this will make you appear as hot as a tea kettle (boys love that)
3. Give the photographer your most seductive smile**
4. Smile with your eyes***
5. While getting your photo taken think of Hilary Duff****, and copy her "2 cool 4 skool" swagger 6. Once photo is taken, demand to review it to make sure you have fulfilled your total model potential
7. If you are pleased with your picture, strut back to class
8. If you are not pleased with your picture, force the photographer to re-take your photo until you are completely content with your shot
9. Once you finally recieve your photos, throw them around the school and tape them to lockers with your number posted on them. This will get you many dates.
*A poofy dress should work fine, but for maximum wow-factor try your mothers wedding dress
**It doesn't matter if it turns out a little sexy, your g-ma will (should) love you no matter what.
***If you are unsure how, ask Tyra Banks
****It is important that you mimic her in her Lizzie McGuire days
How To: Look Cool on BC Ferries
1) Get a Reservation a few days in advance*
2) Arrive with minutes to spare, and immediately get out of car **
3) Do not accept a paper if you are offered one by a vendor
4) Immediately, go to the nearest Starbucks vendor
5) Purchase anything that comes in a cup that says Starbucks on the side
6) Sip from said cup slowly, and do not look at your watch (occasionally, busting out a song at this point is appropriate)
7) When the announcement comes on that the ferry has arrived, without rushing, walk to car (or loading area for walk ons) ***
8) Once on ferry, run to cafeteria and ensure that you are one of the first people in line****
9) Order a Legendary Combo or Spicy Chicken Combo (anything else appears pretentious)*****
10) Apres******eating (preferably at a window booth), ensure that someone will watch your booth, and go to Ferry gift shop (purchase gum, smarties, mentos and a magazine e.g Rolling Stone, Elle, Seventeen, TigerBeat)
11) Read magazine, often looking up at attractive passers by*******
12) Once ferry is nearing the terminal, do not be fooled by the kind lady's attempt to scare you back to the vehicle deck. This warning is for handicaps, albertans and old ladies that have been pushed down multiple flights of stairs and need some time to get to their car before the boat docks.
13) Once you can make out people on the shore and call out to them suggestively, you may make your own way down to the vehicle deck***
14) Don't start your car until the person in front of you begins moving, or else you will appear too eager, ruining your whole image you earned during the entire trip
*if you do not do this, you risk running the chance that you will miss the ferry, significantly lowering your cool status. As well, if you are walking on, you may skip this step
** be sure you are wearing shades, and exit car slowly (e.g Edward Cullen in Twilight when he is wearing the Ray Bans), this will ensure the everyone is captivated by you
*** Do not rush, but ensure that you are back at your car before your line begins moving. If your line begins to move and you are not in your car, EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU
**** Do not be polite and offer to help old ladies up the endless stairs, if you can, push them farther down or cut them off
***** Do not be fooled by the cakes, they are not as tasty as they appear
****** After
******* they will notice you
2) Arrive with minutes to spare, and immediately get out of car **
3) Do not accept a paper if you are offered one by a vendor
4) Immediately, go to the nearest Starbucks vendor
5) Purchase anything that comes in a cup that says Starbucks on the side
6) Sip from said cup slowly, and do not look at your watch (occasionally, busting out a song at this point is appropriate)
7) When the announcement comes on that the ferry has arrived, without rushing, walk to car (or loading area for walk ons) ***
8) Once on ferry, run to cafeteria and ensure that you are one of the first people in line****
9) Order a Legendary Combo or Spicy Chicken Combo (anything else appears pretentious)*****
10) Apres******eating (preferably at a window booth), ensure that someone will watch your booth, and go to Ferry gift shop (purchase gum, smarties, mentos and a magazine e.g Rolling Stone, Elle, Seventeen, TigerBeat)
11) Read magazine, often looking up at attractive passers by*******
12) Once ferry is nearing the terminal, do not be fooled by the kind lady's attempt to scare you back to the vehicle deck. This warning is for handicaps, albertans and old ladies that have been pushed down multiple flights of stairs and need some time to get to their car before the boat docks.
13) Once you can make out people on the shore and call out to them suggestively, you may make your own way down to the vehicle deck***
14) Don't start your car until the person in front of you begins moving, or else you will appear too eager, ruining your whole image you earned during the entire trip
*if you do not do this, you risk running the chance that you will miss the ferry, significantly lowering your cool status. As well, if you are walking on, you may skip this step
** be sure you are wearing shades, and exit car slowly (e.g Edward Cullen in Twilight when he is wearing the Ray Bans), this will ensure the everyone is captivated by you
*** Do not rush, but ensure that you are back at your car before your line begins moving. If your line begins to move and you are not in your car, EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU
**** Do not be polite and offer to help old ladies up the endless stairs, if you can, push them farther down or cut them off
***** Do not be fooled by the cakes, they are not as tasty as they appear
****** After
******* they will notice you
How To: Get a Ring on It
1. Wear a unitard*
2. Go somewhere public, with many males around
3. Get out speakers and play "Single Ladies" by Beyonce**
4. Twist left hand around in the air, while moving your hips from side to side***
5. While keeping time with the music, simply shake your hips all around
6. Place hands on waist, and stick out your chest and buttox as much as possible.
7. With light toes**** jog around in a circle
8. Place hands on waist and wiggle hips while moving in a downward motion*****
9. Jump up and put your right hand on your right waist, while placing your left hand infront of you******
10. Wait. Because if he like it then he better put a ring on it
11. If you have not lured in a man, repeat steps again with more passion.
*Unitard: a very tight one piece that reveals as much leg possible for maximum seduction value
**Turn it up as loud as possible
***Do this with power, because this is what will lure the males to watch you dance
****It is important to use light toes, otherwise you will come off as desperate and/or shlutty.
*****For intermediate dancers: try to push stumach in and out while going down
******Do not place arm too high, otherwise your future man will not be able to reach it.
2. Go somewhere public, with many males around
3. Get out speakers and play "Single Ladies" by Beyonce**
4. Twist left hand around in the air, while moving your hips from side to side***
5. While keeping time with the music, simply shake your hips all around
6. Place hands on waist, and stick out your chest and buttox as much as possible.
7. With light toes**** jog around in a circle
8. Place hands on waist and wiggle hips while moving in a downward motion*****
9. Jump up and put your right hand on your right waist, while placing your left hand infront of you******
10. Wait. Because if he like it then he better put a ring on it
11. If you have not lured in a man, repeat steps again with more passion.
*Unitard: a very tight one piece that reveals as much leg possible for maximum seduction value
**Turn it up as loud as possible
***Do this with power, because this is what will lure the males to watch you dance
****It is important to use light toes, otherwise you will come off as desperate and/or shlutty.
*****For intermediate dancers: try to push stumach in and out while going down
******Do not place arm too high, otherwise your future man will not be able to reach it.
How To: Be Obsessed with the Jonas Brothers
1) download LoveBug/When You Look Me in the Eyes/ any song they have ever created because they are Gods *
2) YouTube Nick Jonas: Basketball Extrordinare, Joe Jonas - Single Ladies, Jonas Brothers play Blindfolded Musical Chairs **
3) PVR (or just find out when it is on) JONAS on family or disney channel
5) Go to the nearest place that sells perfume (Preferrably the Bay)
6) Tell the helpful assistant lady/man that you are looking for a cologne for your boyfriend who is seventeen/twenty
7) Once they believe that you actually have a boyfriend, say they really want Ralph Lauren: Polo Black, or Gucci ***
8) Afterwards, purchase said perfume, as well as Rolling Stone Magazine Collectors edition THE JONAS BROTHERS issue
9) Read every word of said magazine
10) Call Miley Cyrus an hbag more than once****
11) Scream alot every time anyone mentions their names (privately/publicly)
12) Get friend to purchase you a JONAS poster of favorite Jonas Brother*****
13) Concoct a plan to meet/stalk the group
14) When introduced, propose to all three and strip them of their innocence
15) Live happily ever after in Disneyland
16) Kick Miley**** and Kevins wife in the face and tell them they aren't invited to the foursome/Guitar Hero marathon that is going to occur on the bus ride after the wedding ceremony ******
*If you ever meet the Jonas Brothers, do not tell them that they are God because they will flash you their purity rings and then you will have no chance and your obsession will be unwarrented
**Type Jonas Brothers into the search engine on YouTube and watch anything by popstar magazine... except the one that has demi levato because they arent even in that one
*** Polo Black worn by Nicholas Jonas, Gucci worn by Joe Jonas. NOTE: Be careful while smelling this perfume, as you may faint from the sheer ohmygawdyness of it, so you should probably move to the mattress section, or beddingware area beforehand.
**** but do not hate her, she did bring us 7 Things I Hate about You (which is rumored to be about Nick Jonas)
*****Do not purchase on your own, people will think you are a total obsessed loser if you buy one by yourself
****** Optional
2) YouTube Nick Jonas: Basketball Extrordinare, Joe Jonas - Single Ladies, Jonas Brothers play Blindfolded Musical Chairs **
3) PVR (or just find out when it is on) JONAS on family or disney channel
5) Go to the nearest place that sells perfume (Preferrably the Bay)
6) Tell the helpful assistant lady/man that you are looking for a cologne for your boyfriend who is seventeen/twenty
7) Once they believe that you actually have a boyfriend, say they really want Ralph Lauren: Polo Black, or Gucci ***
8) Afterwards, purchase said perfume, as well as Rolling Stone Magazine Collectors edition THE JONAS BROTHERS issue
9) Read every word of said magazine
10) Call Miley Cyrus an hbag more than once****
11) Scream alot every time anyone mentions their names (privately/publicly)
12) Get friend to purchase you a JONAS poster of favorite Jonas Brother*****
13) Concoct a plan to meet/stalk the group
14) When introduced, propose to all three and strip them of their innocence
15) Live happily ever after in Disneyland
16) Kick Miley**** and Kevins wife in the face and tell them they aren't invited to the foursome/Guitar Hero marathon that is going to occur on the bus ride after the wedding ceremony ******
*If you ever meet the Jonas Brothers, do not tell them that they are God because they will flash you their purity rings and then you will have no chance and your obsession will be unwarrented
**Type Jonas Brothers into the search engine on YouTube and watch anything by popstar magazine... except the one that has demi levato because they arent even in that one
*** Polo Black worn by Nicholas Jonas, Gucci worn by Joe Jonas. NOTE: Be careful while smelling this perfume, as you may faint from the sheer ohmygawdyness of it, so you should probably move to the mattress section, or beddingware area beforehand.
**** but do not hate her, she did bring us 7 Things I Hate about You (which is rumored to be about Nick Jonas)
*****Do not purchase on your own, people will think you are a total obsessed loser if you buy one by yourself
****** Optional
Monday, September 21, 2009
How To: Get a Date via MSN (as suggested by brettilah t.)
1) download MSN *
2) add friends **
3) ensure that you have added someone cute/sexy (creep them beforehand on facebook to ensure that they are single)
4) open chat with this person ***
5) begin chat with something casual and short (e.g. "hey cutie/sexy")
6) when you have been responded to**** with a similar response, answer nonchalantly (one word preferably) (e.g. "sup"or "suppy" or "wasssuuuuup" or "howudoin" or "lmfaohowru") keep in mind never to use question marks, they come off as "trying too hard"
7) when responded to**** continue with something along the lines of "i (L)***** ur dp!! do u lyke mine?? :S******
8) when responded to**** (they will most likely compliment you as well) respond with something along the lines of "lol"*******, "lmfao", "rotflol", "hahahhahah", "lshih", "haha"
9) they will respond with a similar message ****
10) respond to their response with "u r sooooooooo sexy/cute, do u hav a gf/bf ********?"
11) they will respond with "no :(". NOTE: don't get too excited, you have not yet sealed the deal.
12) respond casually with: "do u think ima qt?", which they will respond with "yea :S******"
13) Time to seal the deal: without fainting, type slowly (as to boost the insecurity on their side), and say "want 2b ma gf/bf? :S ****** (L) bcuz i think i (L) u"
14) they will probably die of happiness and not respond for a few minutes, but they will obvy********* respond with "k :D"
you now have a msn bf/gf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*google it and then download
** if you do not have any friends, type in random names/phrases @hotmail.com
***open chat by double clicking on their name, if they have a little red man beside their name, they are not online. If the little man never goes green, move on.
**** continue if they have not responded after three minutes, they may be away from the computer, or very popular, so you should make your presence known as best as possible, if worst comes to worst, have a conversation with yourself. This will show independance, which both sexes find very appealing.
***** (L) = Heart
******:S = Unsure face
******* you dont have to know what they mean, just say them, they make you look cool
******** bf/gf = boyfriend/girlfriend
********* obviously
2) add friends **
3) ensure that you have added someone cute/sexy (creep them beforehand on facebook to ensure that they are single)
4) open chat with this person ***
5) begin chat with something casual and short (e.g. "hey cutie/sexy")
6) when you have been responded to**** with a similar response, answer nonchalantly (one word preferably) (e.g. "sup"or "suppy" or "wasssuuuuup" or "howudoin" or "lmfaohowru") keep in mind never to use question marks, they come off as "trying too hard"
7) when responded to**** continue with something along the lines of "i (L)***** ur dp!! do u lyke mine?? :S******
8) when responded to**** (they will most likely compliment you as well) respond with something along the lines of "lol"*******, "lmfao", "rotflol", "hahahhahah", "lshih", "haha"
9) they will respond with a similar message ****
10) respond to their response with "u r sooooooooo sexy/cute, do u hav a gf/bf ********?"
11) they will respond with "no :(". NOTE: don't get too excited, you have not yet sealed the deal.
12) respond casually with: "do u think ima qt?", which they will respond with "yea :S******"
13) Time to seal the deal: without fainting, type slowly (as to boost the insecurity on their side), and say "want 2b ma gf/bf? :S ****** (L) bcuz i think i (L) u"
14) they will probably die of happiness and not respond for a few minutes, but they will obvy********* respond with "k :D"
you now have a msn bf/gf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*google it and then download
** if you do not have any friends, type in random names/phrases @hotmail.com
***open chat by double clicking on their name, if they have a little red man beside their name, they are not online. If the little man never goes green, move on.
**** continue if they have not responded after three minutes, they may be away from the computer, or very popular, so you should make your presence known as best as possible, if worst comes to worst, have a conversation with yourself. This will show independance, which both sexes find very appealing.
***** (L) = Heart
******:S = Unsure face
******* you dont have to know what they mean, just say them, they make you look cool
******** bf/gf = boyfriend/girlfriend
********* obviously
Sunday, September 20, 2009
How To: Become a Gamer
1. Buy an x-box (live) and game (call of duty)
2. Don't call it call of duty.
3. Call it COD*
4. Insert sophisticated words or phrases such as, "n00b", "pwned", "pwnage", "owned", "ownage", "raped", and, "BOOM! head shot", into every sentance
5. Avoid the use of, "you", "your", "to", and "s". Instead, use, "u", "ur", "2", and "z".
6. When you laugh in public, replace your laughter with words such as, "lol", "lolz", "lollercopter", "lollerskates", "lollercaust", "steamloller", "lmao", "lmaonade", "lmfao", "rofl", "roflcopter"
7. Don't use words longer than 6 letters** (**)
8. Game every second possible***
9. Don't shower. Game.****
10. Buy gamer shirts*****
11. Concider anyone trying to prevent you from gaming "a noob tryin' to break my balls"******
12. Forget and remove the word "life" from your dictionary
*COD (k-aw-d)
**They take to long to pronounce and distract you from your potential gaming time
(**) Although, you can use lol words. (lollercopter, lollerskates, lollercaust, steamloller, lmaonade, and, roflcopter)
***Gamers don't need sleep, they need noobs to pwn.
****People can't smell you over x-box live anyways
*****Gamer shirts: (definition) shirts of popular games
******Including (especially) your friends and family
2. Don't call it call of duty.
3. Call it COD*
4. Insert sophisticated words or phrases such as, "n00b", "pwned", "pwnage", "owned", "ownage", "raped", and, "BOOM! head shot", into every sentance
5. Avoid the use of, "you", "your", "to", and "s". Instead, use, "u", "ur", "2", and "z".
6. When you laugh in public, replace your laughter with words such as, "lol", "lolz", "lollercopter", "lollerskates", "lollercaust", "steamloller", "lmao", "lmaonade", "lmfao", "rofl", "roflcopter"
7. Don't use words longer than 6 letters** (**)
8. Game every second possible***
9. Don't shower. Game.****
10. Buy gamer shirts*****
11. Concider anyone trying to prevent you from gaming "a noob tryin' to break my balls"******
12. Forget and remove the word "life" from your dictionary
*COD (k-aw-d)
**They take to long to pronounce and distract you from your potential gaming time
(**) Although, you can use lol words. (lollercopter, lollerskates, lollercaust, steamloller, lmaonade, and, roflcopter)
***Gamers don't need sleep, they need noobs to pwn.
****People can't smell you over x-box live anyways
*****Gamer shirts: (definition) shirts of popular games
******Including (especially) your friends and family
Saturday, September 19, 2009
How To: Not Fight Someone
1) Take one step back *
2) With the opposite foot** turn your back on the person you have infuriated
3) Taking one foot at a time, begin to speed your pace
4) Continue at a general speed of 20km/hr
5) When out of sight, hide until they pass by your hiding place ***
6) Leisurely, walk home as if nothing is wrong
7) Tell your mom
*This will ensure that if they slip fist first towards you, you will not be beaned
**Opposite Foot: the foot that you have not already stepped back with
***If you would like to jump out and startle them at this point, you may do as your please. However, we strongly advise against it unless we are around to watch
2) With the opposite foot** turn your back on the person you have infuriated
3) Taking one foot at a time, begin to speed your pace
4) Continue at a general speed of 20km/hr
5) When out of sight, hide until they pass by your hiding place ***
6) Leisurely, walk home as if nothing is wrong
7) Tell your mom
*This will ensure that if they slip fist first towards you, you will not be beaned
**Opposite Foot: the foot that you have not already stepped back with
***If you would like to jump out and startle them at this point, you may do as your please. However, we strongly advise against it unless we are around to watch
How To: Party in the USA
1. get off the plane in LAX*
2. put the jay-z (and/or britney) song on
3. wear (rock) kicks**
4. put your hands up
5. nod your head like yeah
6. move your hips like yeah
*bring your dreams and a cardigan
**not stilletos
2. put the jay-z (and/or britney) song on
3. wear (rock) kicks**
4. put your hands up
5. nod your head like yeah
6. move your hips like yeah
*bring your dreams and a cardigan
**not stilletos
How To: Put on Socks
1)Place pair of socks beside you within reach *
2)Be sure that you are not already wearing socks on your feet **
3)When absolutely positive you are not already wearing socks, take one sock from the pair within reach of you
4)With two hands, tightly grasp the edges of the sock, fingers placed on the outside of the large hole at the top
5)Gently, place toes within the large hole
6)Slowly, and gently, pull sock up past your heel so that your fingers are now still holding the sock, but they are now at around your ankle (or higher) ***
7)Release the sock from your grip
8)Repeat on opposite foot *****
*This is so that you will not lose them by placing them out of reach (out of reach, out of mind)
**This could be troublesome and uncomfortable when attempting to mount the sock to your foot.
***Be sure that you do not pull too hard ****
**** Pulling too hard may cause the sock to rip, ruining the sock (you don't want that)
*****If you attempt to place both socks on the same foot, that will leave one foot without a sock, meaning that foot will be unprotected from the weathering of life
2)Be sure that you are not already wearing socks on your feet **
3)When absolutely positive you are not already wearing socks, take one sock from the pair within reach of you
4)With two hands, tightly grasp the edges of the sock, fingers placed on the outside of the large hole at the top
5)Gently, place toes within the large hole
6)Slowly, and gently, pull sock up past your heel so that your fingers are now still holding the sock, but they are now at around your ankle (or higher) ***
7)Release the sock from your grip
8)Repeat on opposite foot *****
*This is so that you will not lose them by placing them out of reach (out of reach, out of mind)
**This could be troublesome and uncomfortable when attempting to mount the sock to your foot.
***Be sure that you do not pull too hard ****
**** Pulling too hard may cause the sock to rip, ruining the sock (you don't want that)
*****If you attempt to place both socks on the same foot, that will leave one foot without a sock, meaning that foot will be unprotected from the weathering of life
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