1. Construct an original animal costume*/**
2. Wear your best pair of runners
3. Begin your run.
4. Do not walk during your run, as you will appear to be a complete n00b.
5. When finished, shower yourself with a jug of gatorade***
6. Wait at finish line, and offer high fives to all. (except the ones that walked)
*But don't be a fox, because Terry has dibs on that. (don't mess around with Terry)
**If your costume requires pants, refer to the previous post.
***NOT powerade.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
How To: Put on Pants
1) grasp pants* by the brim of the garment (around the large gaping hole at top of article of clothing) and ensure that pants* are facing right direction: button and zipper facing away from you
2) tightly grasping the brim of the pants* insert one**foot through hole
3) aim foot for the right passage through the large hole at the top (typically, right foot goes through right hole and visa-versa avec*** left foot).
4) when foot is firmly on the ground, and your little piggies****are all in view from sticking out of the bottom pant hole, repeat with left foot from step 2. Afterwards, continue with steps.
5) With both feet set firmly on the ground, pull upwards (still grasping brim tightly) on pants*
6) Keep in mind not to pull too hard as you may get a wedgie*****
7) Once brim of pants* is sufficiently around hips/waist******continue by fastening button and zipping zipper.
8) Voila! you are wearing pants*!
*jeans/slacks/trousers/pantalon/pantaloni/not shorts
**advisory: inserting more than one foot will make you appear silly
***with
****reference to the childrens rhyme "this little piggie". In said rhyme, each of your toes is a specific little piggie, going off on their own in the world to such places as: the market etc. However, your pinky toe (the littlest piggie) is a bit of a mamas boy, and subsequently, goes all the way home.
*****Wedgie: having pants* or underwears bunched up and stuck between your gluteus maximus's (tooshie). To "pick your wedgie" simply refers to un-wedgieing yourself. This is a common term amongst youngsters aged 9-55.
******not knees
2) tightly grasping the brim of the pants* insert one**foot through hole
3) aim foot for the right passage through the large hole at the top (typically, right foot goes through right hole and visa-versa avec*** left foot).
4) when foot is firmly on the ground, and your little piggies****are all in view from sticking out of the bottom pant hole, repeat with left foot from step 2. Afterwards, continue with steps.
5) With both feet set firmly on the ground, pull upwards (still grasping brim tightly) on pants*
6) Keep in mind not to pull too hard as you may get a wedgie*****
7) Once brim of pants* is sufficiently around hips/waist******continue by fastening button and zipping zipper.
8) Voila! you are wearing pants*!
*jeans/slacks/trousers/pantalon/pantaloni/not shorts
**advisory: inserting more than one foot will make you appear silly
***with
****reference to the childrens rhyme "this little piggie". In said rhyme, each of your toes is a specific little piggie, going off on their own in the world to such places as: the market etc. However, your pinky toe (the littlest piggie) is a bit of a mamas boy, and subsequently, goes all the way home.
*****Wedgie: having pants* or underwears bunched up and stuck between your gluteus maximus's (tooshie). To "pick your wedgie" simply refers to un-wedgieing yourself. This is a common term amongst youngsters aged 9-55.
******not knees
Monday, September 28, 2009
How To: Jump on It
1. Blast "Jump on It" by Sir Mix Alot
2. Powerfully thrust forwards, with hands on hips
3. turn 90° to your right (with hands still on hips)
4. Thrust again. (hands still on hips)
5. Again, turn 90° to your right, and thrust (hands still on hips)
6. Turn 90° to your right once more, then thrust (hands still on hips)
7. While jumping, turn in a full circle while waving your right hand around in the air with your index finger sticking out*
8. If you do this correctly your dancing should be in perfect time with the music
9. It is okay to sing out loudly if you know the lyrics**
*So you are pointing to the dancing gods
**If you don't know the lyrics, you will appear to be a noob. So don't do it. Please.
2. Powerfully thrust forwards, with hands on hips
3. turn 90° to your right (with hands still on hips)
4. Thrust again. (hands still on hips)
5. Again, turn 90° to your right, and thrust (hands still on hips)
6. Turn 90° to your right once more, then thrust (hands still on hips)
7. While jumping, turn in a full circle while waving your right hand around in the air with your index finger sticking out*
8. If you do this correctly your dancing should be in perfect time with the music
9. It is okay to sing out loudly if you know the lyrics**
*So you are pointing to the dancing gods
**If you don't know the lyrics, you will appear to be a noob. So don't do it. Please.
How To: Be a Pokémon Master
1. Buy Pokémon trading cards*
2. Make sure you have a Pikachu**
3. Play Pokémon as often as possible, you will slowly rise up the ranks.
4. If you play often enough***, you will become a master in no time.
5. Once you are a master, don't become friends will Ash.
6. He is a no good wanna-be****
7. Join a Pokémon club*****
8. Spend whatever money you get on Pokémon cards.
9. Play in as many tournaments as possible. This will get you maximum street cred.******
10. Challenge anyone you see to a duel.
11. If they refuse, tell them they need to get a life*******
*The more you buy, the better
**Pikachu: lovable, yellow pokémon, that can make any pokémon his bitch.
***Often: 24/7
****A.k.a, he thinks Pikachu is his friend. (Pikachu is YOUR buddy)
*****This will get you many friends (and boyfriends)
******Street cred: (street credit) respect among the g's (gangsters; gang members)
*******Life: A.k.a, Pokémon
2. Make sure you have a Pikachu**
3. Play Pokémon as often as possible, you will slowly rise up the ranks.
4. If you play often enough***, you will become a master in no time.
5. Once you are a master, don't become friends will Ash.
6. He is a no good wanna-be****
7. Join a Pokémon club*****
8. Spend whatever money you get on Pokémon cards.
9. Play in as many tournaments as possible. This will get you maximum street cred.******
10. Challenge anyone you see to a duel.
11. If they refuse, tell them they need to get a life*******
*The more you buy, the better
**Pikachu: lovable, yellow pokémon, that can make any pokémon his bitch.
***Often: 24/7
****A.k.a, he thinks Pikachu is his friend. (Pikachu is YOUR buddy)
*****This will get you many friends (and boyfriends)
******Street cred: (street credit) respect among the g's (gangsters; gang members)
*******Life: A.k.a, Pokémon
How To: Make the Most of Your Hotel Stay (Inspired by MaddyBams)
1) Purchase hotel room*
2) Enter hotel room**
3) Once inside hotel room, immediately drop all belongings and make way to bathroom area
4) Once in bathroom area, check for complimentary soaps and lotions
5) Pick up said soaps/lotions, and insert into personal bag*** (The hotel will merely believe that you were very dirty during your stay.)
6) Next, avert your attention to the nearest coffee machine
7) Noticing the plethora of coffee satchels, sugar/sweetening packets and t-bags****, insert desired amount into personal bag***
8) Next, take a long, very hot shower (without worrying about losing hot water/paying more for it)
9) Next, turn on television and watch complementary*** cable tv
10) Beware of the "complementary" snacks in the mini fridge! These are NOT COMPLEMENTARY!*****
11) Afterwards, collect your belongings and head out the door. But, do remember to keep the keycard given to you as a souvenir.*******
*People will make you think that you need to stay for a night in order to make the most of your stay at a hotel, however they are incorrect. All you really need (if you are in a pinch) is a few hours.
**Entering the hotel room is key. If you do not enter the hotel room, then (simply put) you are not taking full advantage of your hotel room stay.
***This is not considered stealing. They are complimentary (given to you by the hotel as a gift. And what do you do with gifts? You take them graciously. Do you want to hurt the hotels feelings by not accepting their gift?).
****t-bags= tea bags
***** the opposite of free******
******not free
*******Place card in wallet. It will make you appear as though you have a unique visa/debit card. Therefore making you appear important/worldly.
2) Enter hotel room**
3) Once inside hotel room, immediately drop all belongings and make way to bathroom area
4) Once in bathroom area, check for complimentary soaps and lotions
5) Pick up said soaps/lotions, and insert into personal bag*** (The hotel will merely believe that you were very dirty during your stay.)
6) Next, avert your attention to the nearest coffee machine
7) Noticing the plethora of coffee satchels, sugar/sweetening packets and t-bags****, insert desired amount into personal bag***
8) Next, take a long, very hot shower (without worrying about losing hot water/paying more for it)
9) Next, turn on television and watch complementary*** cable tv
10) Beware of the "complementary" snacks in the mini fridge! These are NOT COMPLEMENTARY!*****
11) Afterwards, collect your belongings and head out the door. But, do remember to keep the keycard given to you as a souvenir.*******
*People will make you think that you need to stay for a night in order to make the most of your stay at a hotel, however they are incorrect. All you really need (if you are in a pinch) is a few hours.
**Entering the hotel room is key. If you do not enter the hotel room, then (simply put) you are not taking full advantage of your hotel room stay.
***This is not considered stealing. They are complimentary (given to you by the hotel as a gift. And what do you do with gifts? You take them graciously. Do you want to hurt the hotels feelings by not accepting their gift?).
****t-bags= tea bags
***** the opposite of free******
******not free
*******Place card in wallet. It will make you appear as though you have a unique visa/debit card. Therefore making you appear important/worldly.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
How To: Look Popular on Facebook
1. If you do not already have Facebook, go to http://www.facebook.com/ and make your account.
2. If you have a boring/embarassing name, change it to something subtle yet eye catching*
3. Once you have your account set up, add everyone to be your friend that appears in your "Suggestions" box.
4. Go to "Search" and search for common names**
5. Add everyone you find in your search results.
6. Keep doing this until you have about 400 friends***
7. If anyone writes on your wall saying, "who is this?" or, "do i know you?" simply reply**** with something mysterious like, "whoeva u want me 2 b ;)" or, "no... but u should get 2 no me ;) ...letz msg :D :D."
7. Now you need to impress all your new friends, so take cute pictures of yourself to use as your profile picture*****
8. Look through your friends, and choose about 10 that have the best profile pictures
9. Comment on their photos******
10. By doing this, everyone will think you have many boyfriends, so everyone will want to be your friend.
11. Now that you have everyones attention, it's time to change your status.
12. Change your status to something mind captivating such as, "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ;) <3 <3 <3 sum1 msg me da answer ;)"
13. This should officially make you the most popular Facebooker
*Examples: Danean Jeffy, Jar Jar Binks, or Daxflame
**Such as, Joannie, and Chachie
***This may take a while, but it will all be worth it in the end.
****Ensure that you reply on their wall, and not your own
*****It is recommended you use to steps displayed in, "How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day"
******Say flirty things such as, "roflurtotallycute. msg me ;)", or if you want to be more direct, "omgz!!!! ur hawt letz date now!!! :D :D :D"
2. If you have a boring/embarassing name, change it to something subtle yet eye catching*
3. Once you have your account set up, add everyone to be your friend that appears in your "Suggestions" box.
4. Go to "Search" and search for common names**
5. Add everyone you find in your search results.
6. Keep doing this until you have about 400 friends***
7. If anyone writes on your wall saying, "who is this?" or, "do i know you?" simply reply**** with something mysterious like, "whoeva u want me 2 b ;)" or, "no... but u should get 2 no me ;) ...letz msg :D :D."
7. Now you need to impress all your new friends, so take cute pictures of yourself to use as your profile picture*****
8. Look through your friends, and choose about 10 that have the best profile pictures
9. Comment on their photos******
10. By doing this, everyone will think you have many boyfriends, so everyone will want to be your friend.
11. Now that you have everyones attention, it's time to change your status.
12. Change your status to something mind captivating such as, "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ;) <3 <3 <3 sum1 msg me da answer ;)"
13. This should officially make you the most popular Facebooker
*Examples: Danean Jeffy, Jar Jar Binks, or Daxflame
**Such as, Joannie, and Chachie
***This may take a while, but it will all be worth it in the end.
****Ensure that you reply on their wall, and not your own
*****It is recommended you use to steps displayed in, "How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day"
******Say flirty things such as, "roflurtotallycute. msg me ;)", or if you want to be more direct, "omgz!!!! ur hawt letz date now!!! :D :D :D"
How To: Bet On It
1) Aquire all black outfit (jeans, tight* polo shirt, shoes)
2) Find golf course in middle of desert. Shut it down**
3) Stomp up large grass hill as if you are going somewhere important, and are late, then stop abruptly
4) Engage in extreme anger pose***
5) After a few minutes of varying anger poses, slam your hand rashly to the grass you stand upon (in anger)
6) Begin to scamper about the golf course
7) Stop occasionally in order to make several different poses (angry or otherwise. Modelesque/Haut Couture style is highly adviseable.)****
8) Punch the air as often as possible
9) Snap to the beat whenever you take a break from scampering
10) Suddenly, you are no longer on a golf course, but on a rocky mountain, do not be fooled, you are still Betting On It, so continue as directed. However, walk more tentatively, to show your emotions, and so that you do not trip on a rock.
11) Jump from rock into sand dune. You are now back at the golf course. Continue as directed.
12) Grab sand angrily, and once back into anger pose***, release sand forcefully
13) After an impromptu dance sequence, begin to play golf.
14) Improv dance sequence involving golf clubs
15) Hit your ball into a pond, retrieve ball. But not before gazing at yourself in the puddle below believably
16) Continue scampering gracefully
17) Finish with a triumph pose at top of rocky area you have visited before
18) Run off because you are late for work
*as to show off your rippling muscles/skinny physique
**you need your space. You are currently attempting to figure out some intense shiz through dance.
***legs shoulder length apart, slouched shoulders, head down, arms/hands tense and at your sides, slowly raising with your head as you begin to realize what you are angry about in song (keep left foot in time with the beat, this will make you appear even more tough)
****Ex: classic BoyBand chic moves like BackstreetBoys in "I Want it That Way". Or, a ballet dancer performing a hip hop routine. Remember to keep it tight, and passionate.
2) Find golf course in middle of desert. Shut it down**
3) Stomp up large grass hill as if you are going somewhere important, and are late, then stop abruptly
4) Engage in extreme anger pose***
5) After a few minutes of varying anger poses, slam your hand rashly to the grass you stand upon (in anger)
6) Begin to scamper about the golf course
7) Stop occasionally in order to make several different poses (angry or otherwise. Modelesque/Haut Couture style is highly adviseable.)****
8) Punch the air as often as possible
9) Snap to the beat whenever you take a break from scampering
10) Suddenly, you are no longer on a golf course, but on a rocky mountain, do not be fooled, you are still Betting On It, so continue as directed. However, walk more tentatively, to show your emotions, and so that you do not trip on a rock.
11) Jump from rock into sand dune. You are now back at the golf course. Continue as directed.
12) Grab sand angrily, and once back into anger pose***, release sand forcefully
13) After an impromptu dance sequence, begin to play golf.
14) Improv dance sequence involving golf clubs
15) Hit your ball into a pond, retrieve ball. But not before gazing at yourself in the puddle below believably
16) Continue scampering gracefully
17) Finish with a triumph pose at top of rocky area you have visited before
18) Run off because you are late for work
*as to show off your rippling muscles/skinny physique
**you need your space. You are currently attempting to figure out some intense shiz through dance.
***legs shoulder length apart, slouched shoulders, head down, arms/hands tense and at your sides, slowly raising with your head as you begin to realize what you are angry about in song (keep left foot in time with the beat, this will make you appear even more tough)
****Ex: classic BoyBand chic moves like BackstreetBoys in "I Want it That Way". Or, a ballet dancer performing a hip hop routine. Remember to keep it tight, and passionate.
How To: Cover Up Peeing Your Pants
1) Pee your pants
2) Realize that you have just peed your pants
3) Subtley* shuffle to the nearest vending machine
4) Purchase Apple Juice**
5) With much notice of others, spill/squirt/drip/dribble/leak or drop said Apple Juice onto "pee area" of pants
6) Make big deal about apparent spill, screaming things like "OH DANG!" or "MY NEW PANTS!" or "oh, well doesn't this look silly. I will have to go to the nurses office and get new pants." ****
7) After many profanities, exclaim loudly that "It appears as though I have soiled myself, but don't worry everybody, I have not!" or "I didn't pee myself I swear!" or "It's a good thing everyone saw me spill that drink on my pants, otherwise everyone would think I pizzed/jizzed myself! ROTFLOL***"
8) Everyone will now believe you have never peed ever.
*Do not attract attention
**Not Orange Juice or Cranberry Juice or Oatmeal or any kind of Soda/Carbonated Drink. None of these will appear to be urine. In fact, they may appear to be something of a much more embarassing excriment.
***lmaonade and lolocaust are appropriate at this point
****Looking down at the “pee area” distraughtly will also give you a chance to ensure that you did not spill on your leg instead of the designated “pee area”. If you missed the area, now would be the time to “accidentally” have a seizure. Or trip.
2) Realize that you have just peed your pants
3) Subtley* shuffle to the nearest vending machine
4) Purchase Apple Juice**
5) With much notice of others, spill/squirt/drip/dribble/leak or drop said Apple Juice onto "pee area" of pants
6) Make big deal about apparent spill, screaming things like "OH DANG!" or "MY NEW PANTS!" or "oh, well doesn't this look silly. I will have to go to the nurses office and get new pants." ****
7) After many profanities, exclaim loudly that "It appears as though I have soiled myself, but don't worry everybody, I have not!" or "I didn't pee myself I swear!" or "It's a good thing everyone saw me spill that drink on my pants, otherwise everyone would think I pizzed/jizzed myself! ROTFLOL***"
8) Everyone will now believe you have never peed ever.
*Do not attract attention
**Not Orange Juice or Cranberry Juice or Oatmeal or any kind of Soda/Carbonated Drink. None of these will appear to be urine. In fact, they may appear to be something of a much more embarassing excriment.
***lmaonade and lolocaust are appropriate at this point
****Looking down at the “pee area” distraughtly will also give you a chance to ensure that you did not spill on your leg instead of the designated “pee area”. If you missed the area, now would be the time to “accidentally” have a seizure. Or trip.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How To: Smies (Smile With Your Eyes)
1) Begin with blank face *
2) Slowly (as not to overdo it) allow under eyes to rise upwards**
3) Smile largely with mouth open
4) Hold face, then, slowly (with eyes remaining static in the same position) lower smile into a containable pout
5) Ensure that eyebrows are not too high (make you appear suprised), or too low (make you appear angry).
6) For maximum effect: begin with normal eyes, then quickly switch to Smies***
*if you begin with nothing, you will be amazed by the progress you can make
**at first you will appear to be squinting, do not be fooled, you are only a couple of steps away form smies-ing
***for an extra maximizing effect: hair flip slowly whilst wearing stilletos and couture outfit, and Smies like your life depends on it (but not too much, Smies-ing can infuriate those who do not have the gift like you now do) (however, feel free to work it)
2) Slowly (as not to overdo it) allow under eyes to rise upwards**
3) Smile largely with mouth open
4) Hold face, then, slowly (with eyes remaining static in the same position) lower smile into a containable pout
5) Ensure that eyebrows are not too high (make you appear suprised), or too low (make you appear angry).
6) For maximum effect: begin with normal eyes, then quickly switch to Smies***
*if you begin with nothing, you will be amazed by the progress you can make
**at first you will appear to be squinting, do not be fooled, you are only a couple of steps away form smies-ing
***for an extra maximizing effect: hair flip slowly whilst wearing stilletos and couture outfit, and Smies like your life depends on it (but not too much, Smies-ing can infuriate those who do not have the gift like you now do) (however, feel free to work it)
How To: Make Exclusive Friends
1. Go to a random work office*
2. Hide behind a plant in the corner, while office people are casually talking
3. Wait silently
4. Jump out, and yell "SPAGETT!"
5. Don't fret if they aren't scared, because they are just so flabbergasted about how cool/funny you are
6. While holding an enticing smile, say, "Tehe! Spook ya!"**
7. They will jump into your arms and say they want to be your new BFF***
8. Now you will need more friends to hang out with while your others are working...
9. Jump into a garbage bin outside of a restaurant
10. Wait until a worker tries to take out the trash
11. Jump up, throw his garbage bag back at him and yell "SPAGETT!"****
12. Normally, he will have no emotion on his face, and try to throw out the garbage again
13. Catch the bag once more, then throw it in the trash yourself.
14. He will undoubtingly jump in the garbage bin with you and become your new BFF***
*The bank works the best, that way your new buddies will have access to cash money
**But not too enticing, or they will think you're trying to date them (although, you can date them if you want... even though you already have a msn boyfriend)
***Or, if they're British, your BBFF.
****This will show him how funny/playful you are (a very desired trait in a friend)
2. Hide behind a plant in the corner, while office people are casually talking
3. Wait silently
4. Jump out, and yell "SPAGETT!"
5. Don't fret if they aren't scared, because they are just so flabbergasted about how cool/funny you are
6. While holding an enticing smile, say, "Tehe! Spook ya!"**
7. They will jump into your arms and say they want to be your new BFF***
8. Now you will need more friends to hang out with while your others are working...
9. Jump into a garbage bin outside of a restaurant
10. Wait until a worker tries to take out the trash
11. Jump up, throw his garbage bag back at him and yell "SPAGETT!"****
12. Normally, he will have no emotion on his face, and try to throw out the garbage again
13. Catch the bag once more, then throw it in the trash yourself.
14. He will undoubtingly jump in the garbage bin with you and become your new BFF***
*The bank works the best, that way your new buddies will have access to cash money
**But not too enticing, or they will think you're trying to date them (although, you can date them if you want... even though you already have a msn boyfriend)
***Or, if they're British, your BBFF.
****This will show him how funny/playful you are (a very desired trait in a friend)
How To: Be Shaq
1) Grow*
2) Eat alot ** and work out
3) Start playing basketball
4) Don't allow basketball to take over your life. Spread your 7'5 wingspan*** and try new things!
5) Become a rapper/actor/reality star and create such shows as "Shaq Vs." where you take on measley professionals (e.g. boxing) half your size and completely own the shiz out of them****
6) Ensure MTV Cribs is aware of your Superman obsession (i.e. the Superman Bed)
7) Since you are a very busy giant, do not worry about leaving basketball practice before the free throw session*****
8) Just because Steve Nash****** plays for the Pheonix Suns too, doesn't mean he can MVP you. Just take him on, one on one, on your new reality show!
9) Make a rap about Kobe Bryant. It'll be really interesting and thought provoking and everyone will love you for it.
10) According to Wikipedia, you now make $21,000,000 a year. Better start a fashion/modelling career while you can!*******
*7'1 is desired height
**This will ensure that you will grow to desired weight (325 lbs)
***Wingspan = the length of Shaquille O'Neal's arms when he stands like a magestic eagle
****allowable expressions for "completely own the shiz out of them" include expressions from previous post "How To: Become a Gamer"
***** The team/fans won't care too much if you miss a few free throws, right?
****** Steve Nash: Puny (6'3) Canadian (white) Basketball player from Victoria (silly little town you could wipe out if you sneezed)
*******We suggest you name your fashion label "Can't Look Away (I take up the whole screen) by Shaquille O'Neal"
2) Eat alot ** and work out
3) Start playing basketball
4) Don't allow basketball to take over your life. Spread your 7'5 wingspan*** and try new things!
5) Become a rapper/actor/reality star and create such shows as "Shaq Vs." where you take on measley professionals (e.g. boxing) half your size and completely own the shiz out of them****
6) Ensure MTV Cribs is aware of your Superman obsession (i.e. the Superman Bed)
7) Since you are a very busy giant, do not worry about leaving basketball practice before the free throw session*****
8) Just because Steve Nash****** plays for the Pheonix Suns too, doesn't mean he can MVP you. Just take him on, one on one, on your new reality show!
9) Make a rap about Kobe Bryant. It'll be really interesting and thought provoking and everyone will love you for it.
10) According to Wikipedia, you now make $21,000,000 a year. Better start a fashion/modelling career while you can!*******
*7'1 is desired height
**This will ensure that you will grow to desired weight (325 lbs)
***Wingspan = the length of Shaquille O'Neal's arms when he stands like a magestic eagle
****allowable expressions for "completely own the shiz out of them" include expressions from previous post "How To: Become a Gamer"
***** The team/fans won't care too much if you miss a few free throws, right?
****** Steve Nash: Puny (6'3) Canadian (white) Basketball player from Victoria (silly little town you could wipe out if you sneezed)
*******We suggest you name your fashion label "Can't Look Away (I take up the whole screen) by Shaquille O'Neal"
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How To: Take a Cute Pic on Photo Day
1. Dress up a little*
2. Make sure your hair is pulled back (with lots of gel) this will make you appear as hot as a tea kettle (boys love that)
3. Give the photographer your most seductive smile**
4. Smile with your eyes***
5. While getting your photo taken think of Hilary Duff****, and copy her "2 cool 4 skool" swagger 6. Once photo is taken, demand to review it to make sure you have fulfilled your total model potential
7. If you are pleased with your picture, strut back to class
8. If you are not pleased with your picture, force the photographer to re-take your photo until you are completely content with your shot
9. Once you finally recieve your photos, throw them around the school and tape them to lockers with your number posted on them. This will get you many dates.
*A poofy dress should work fine, but for maximum wow-factor try your mothers wedding dress
**It doesn't matter if it turns out a little sexy, your g-ma will (should) love you no matter what.
***If you are unsure how, ask Tyra Banks
****It is important that you mimic her in her Lizzie McGuire days
2. Make sure your hair is pulled back (with lots of gel) this will make you appear as hot as a tea kettle (boys love that)
3. Give the photographer your most seductive smile**
4. Smile with your eyes***
5. While getting your photo taken think of Hilary Duff****, and copy her "2 cool 4 skool" swagger 6. Once photo is taken, demand to review it to make sure you have fulfilled your total model potential
7. If you are pleased with your picture, strut back to class
8. If you are not pleased with your picture, force the photographer to re-take your photo until you are completely content with your shot
9. Once you finally recieve your photos, throw them around the school and tape them to lockers with your number posted on them. This will get you many dates.
*A poofy dress should work fine, but for maximum wow-factor try your mothers wedding dress
**It doesn't matter if it turns out a little sexy, your g-ma will (should) love you no matter what.
***If you are unsure how, ask Tyra Banks
****It is important that you mimic her in her Lizzie McGuire days
How To: Look Cool on BC Ferries
1) Get a Reservation a few days in advance*
2) Arrive with minutes to spare, and immediately get out of car **
3) Do not accept a paper if you are offered one by a vendor
4) Immediately, go to the nearest Starbucks vendor
5) Purchase anything that comes in a cup that says Starbucks on the side
6) Sip from said cup slowly, and do not look at your watch (occasionally, busting out a song at this point is appropriate)
7) When the announcement comes on that the ferry has arrived, without rushing, walk to car (or loading area for walk ons) ***
8) Once on ferry, run to cafeteria and ensure that you are one of the first people in line****
9) Order a Legendary Combo or Spicy Chicken Combo (anything else appears pretentious)*****
10) Apres******eating (preferably at a window booth), ensure that someone will watch your booth, and go to Ferry gift shop (purchase gum, smarties, mentos and a magazine e.g Rolling Stone, Elle, Seventeen, TigerBeat)
11) Read magazine, often looking up at attractive passers by*******
12) Once ferry is nearing the terminal, do not be fooled by the kind lady's attempt to scare you back to the vehicle deck. This warning is for handicaps, albertans and old ladies that have been pushed down multiple flights of stairs and need some time to get to their car before the boat docks.
13) Once you can make out people on the shore and call out to them suggestively, you may make your own way down to the vehicle deck***
14) Don't start your car until the person in front of you begins moving, or else you will appear too eager, ruining your whole image you earned during the entire trip
*if you do not do this, you risk running the chance that you will miss the ferry, significantly lowering your cool status. As well, if you are walking on, you may skip this step
** be sure you are wearing shades, and exit car slowly (e.g Edward Cullen in Twilight when he is wearing the Ray Bans), this will ensure the everyone is captivated by you
*** Do not rush, but ensure that you are back at your car before your line begins moving. If your line begins to move and you are not in your car, EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU
**** Do not be polite and offer to help old ladies up the endless stairs, if you can, push them farther down or cut them off
***** Do not be fooled by the cakes, they are not as tasty as they appear
****** After
******* they will notice you
2) Arrive with minutes to spare, and immediately get out of car **
3) Do not accept a paper if you are offered one by a vendor
4) Immediately, go to the nearest Starbucks vendor
5) Purchase anything that comes in a cup that says Starbucks on the side
6) Sip from said cup slowly, and do not look at your watch (occasionally, busting out a song at this point is appropriate)
7) When the announcement comes on that the ferry has arrived, without rushing, walk to car (or loading area for walk ons) ***
8) Once on ferry, run to cafeteria and ensure that you are one of the first people in line****
9) Order a Legendary Combo or Spicy Chicken Combo (anything else appears pretentious)*****
10) Apres******eating (preferably at a window booth), ensure that someone will watch your booth, and go to Ferry gift shop (purchase gum, smarties, mentos and a magazine e.g Rolling Stone, Elle, Seventeen, TigerBeat)
11) Read magazine, often looking up at attractive passers by*******
12) Once ferry is nearing the terminal, do not be fooled by the kind lady's attempt to scare you back to the vehicle deck. This warning is for handicaps, albertans and old ladies that have been pushed down multiple flights of stairs and need some time to get to their car before the boat docks.
13) Once you can make out people on the shore and call out to them suggestively, you may make your own way down to the vehicle deck***
14) Don't start your car until the person in front of you begins moving, or else you will appear too eager, ruining your whole image you earned during the entire trip
*if you do not do this, you risk running the chance that you will miss the ferry, significantly lowering your cool status. As well, if you are walking on, you may skip this step
** be sure you are wearing shades, and exit car slowly (e.g Edward Cullen in Twilight when he is wearing the Ray Bans), this will ensure the everyone is captivated by you
*** Do not rush, but ensure that you are back at your car before your line begins moving. If your line begins to move and you are not in your car, EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU
**** Do not be polite and offer to help old ladies up the endless stairs, if you can, push them farther down or cut them off
***** Do not be fooled by the cakes, they are not as tasty as they appear
****** After
******* they will notice you
How To: Get a Ring on It
1. Wear a unitard*
2. Go somewhere public, with many males around
3. Get out speakers and play "Single Ladies" by Beyonce**
4. Twist left hand around in the air, while moving your hips from side to side***
5. While keeping time with the music, simply shake your hips all around
6. Place hands on waist, and stick out your chest and buttox as much as possible.
7. With light toes**** jog around in a circle
8. Place hands on waist and wiggle hips while moving in a downward motion*****
9. Jump up and put your right hand on your right waist, while placing your left hand infront of you******
10. Wait. Because if he like it then he better put a ring on it
11. If you have not lured in a man, repeat steps again with more passion.
*Unitard: a very tight one piece that reveals as much leg possible for maximum seduction value
**Turn it up as loud as possible
***Do this with power, because this is what will lure the males to watch you dance
****It is important to use light toes, otherwise you will come off as desperate and/or shlutty.
*****For intermediate dancers: try to push stumach in and out while going down
******Do not place arm too high, otherwise your future man will not be able to reach it.
2. Go somewhere public, with many males around
3. Get out speakers and play "Single Ladies" by Beyonce**
4. Twist left hand around in the air, while moving your hips from side to side***
5. While keeping time with the music, simply shake your hips all around
6. Place hands on waist, and stick out your chest and buttox as much as possible.
7. With light toes**** jog around in a circle
8. Place hands on waist and wiggle hips while moving in a downward motion*****
9. Jump up and put your right hand on your right waist, while placing your left hand infront of you******
10. Wait. Because if he like it then he better put a ring on it
11. If you have not lured in a man, repeat steps again with more passion.
*Unitard: a very tight one piece that reveals as much leg possible for maximum seduction value
**Turn it up as loud as possible
***Do this with power, because this is what will lure the males to watch you dance
****It is important to use light toes, otherwise you will come off as desperate and/or shlutty.
*****For intermediate dancers: try to push stumach in and out while going down
******Do not place arm too high, otherwise your future man will not be able to reach it.
How To: Be Obsessed with the Jonas Brothers
1) download LoveBug/When You Look Me in the Eyes/ any song they have ever created because they are Gods *
2) YouTube Nick Jonas: Basketball Extrordinare, Joe Jonas - Single Ladies, Jonas Brothers play Blindfolded Musical Chairs **
3) PVR (or just find out when it is on) JONAS on family or disney channel
5) Go to the nearest place that sells perfume (Preferrably the Bay)
6) Tell the helpful assistant lady/man that you are looking for a cologne for your boyfriend who is seventeen/twenty
7) Once they believe that you actually have a boyfriend, say they really want Ralph Lauren: Polo Black, or Gucci ***
8) Afterwards, purchase said perfume, as well as Rolling Stone Magazine Collectors edition THE JONAS BROTHERS issue
9) Read every word of said magazine
10) Call Miley Cyrus an hbag more than once****
11) Scream alot every time anyone mentions their names (privately/publicly)
12) Get friend to purchase you a JONAS poster of favorite Jonas Brother*****
13) Concoct a plan to meet/stalk the group
14) When introduced, propose to all three and strip them of their innocence
15) Live happily ever after in Disneyland
16) Kick Miley**** and Kevins wife in the face and tell them they aren't invited to the foursome/Guitar Hero marathon that is going to occur on the bus ride after the wedding ceremony ******
*If you ever meet the Jonas Brothers, do not tell them that they are God because they will flash you their purity rings and then you will have no chance and your obsession will be unwarrented
**Type Jonas Brothers into the search engine on YouTube and watch anything by popstar magazine... except the one that has demi levato because they arent even in that one
*** Polo Black worn by Nicholas Jonas, Gucci worn by Joe Jonas. NOTE: Be careful while smelling this perfume, as you may faint from the sheer ohmygawdyness of it, so you should probably move to the mattress section, or beddingware area beforehand.
**** but do not hate her, she did bring us 7 Things I Hate about You (which is rumored to be about Nick Jonas)
*****Do not purchase on your own, people will think you are a total obsessed loser if you buy one by yourself
****** Optional
2) YouTube Nick Jonas: Basketball Extrordinare, Joe Jonas - Single Ladies, Jonas Brothers play Blindfolded Musical Chairs **
3) PVR (or just find out when it is on) JONAS on family or disney channel
5) Go to the nearest place that sells perfume (Preferrably the Bay)
6) Tell the helpful assistant lady/man that you are looking for a cologne for your boyfriend who is seventeen/twenty
7) Once they believe that you actually have a boyfriend, say they really want Ralph Lauren: Polo Black, or Gucci ***
8) Afterwards, purchase said perfume, as well as Rolling Stone Magazine Collectors edition THE JONAS BROTHERS issue
9) Read every word of said magazine
10) Call Miley Cyrus an hbag more than once****
11) Scream alot every time anyone mentions their names (privately/publicly)
12) Get friend to purchase you a JONAS poster of favorite Jonas Brother*****
13) Concoct a plan to meet/stalk the group
14) When introduced, propose to all three and strip them of their innocence
15) Live happily ever after in Disneyland
16) Kick Miley**** and Kevins wife in the face and tell them they aren't invited to the foursome/Guitar Hero marathon that is going to occur on the bus ride after the wedding ceremony ******
*If you ever meet the Jonas Brothers, do not tell them that they are God because they will flash you their purity rings and then you will have no chance and your obsession will be unwarrented
**Type Jonas Brothers into the search engine on YouTube and watch anything by popstar magazine... except the one that has demi levato because they arent even in that one
*** Polo Black worn by Nicholas Jonas, Gucci worn by Joe Jonas. NOTE: Be careful while smelling this perfume, as you may faint from the sheer ohmygawdyness of it, so you should probably move to the mattress section, or beddingware area beforehand.
**** but do not hate her, she did bring us 7 Things I Hate about You (which is rumored to be about Nick Jonas)
*****Do not purchase on your own, people will think you are a total obsessed loser if you buy one by yourself
****** Optional
Monday, September 21, 2009
How To: Get a Date via MSN (as suggested by brettilah t.)
1) download MSN *
2) add friends **
3) ensure that you have added someone cute/sexy (creep them beforehand on facebook to ensure that they are single)
4) open chat with this person ***
5) begin chat with something casual and short (e.g. "hey cutie/sexy")
6) when you have been responded to**** with a similar response, answer nonchalantly (one word preferably) (e.g. "sup"or "suppy" or "wasssuuuuup" or "howudoin" or "lmfaohowru") keep in mind never to use question marks, they come off as "trying too hard"
7) when responded to**** continue with something along the lines of "i (L)***** ur dp!! do u lyke mine?? :S******
8) when responded to**** (they will most likely compliment you as well) respond with something along the lines of "lol"*******, "lmfao", "rotflol", "hahahhahah", "lshih", "haha"
9) they will respond with a similar message ****
10) respond to their response with "u r sooooooooo sexy/cute, do u hav a gf/bf ********?"
11) they will respond with "no :(". NOTE: don't get too excited, you have not yet sealed the deal.
12) respond casually with: "do u think ima qt?", which they will respond with "yea :S******"
13) Time to seal the deal: without fainting, type slowly (as to boost the insecurity on their side), and say "want 2b ma gf/bf? :S ****** (L) bcuz i think i (L) u"
14) they will probably die of happiness and not respond for a few minutes, but they will obvy********* respond with "k :D"
you now have a msn bf/gf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*google it and then download
** if you do not have any friends, type in random names/phrases @hotmail.com
***open chat by double clicking on their name, if they have a little red man beside their name, they are not online. If the little man never goes green, move on.
**** continue if they have not responded after three minutes, they may be away from the computer, or very popular, so you should make your presence known as best as possible, if worst comes to worst, have a conversation with yourself. This will show independance, which both sexes find very appealing.
***** (L) = Heart
******:S = Unsure face
******* you dont have to know what they mean, just say them, they make you look cool
******** bf/gf = boyfriend/girlfriend
********* obviously
2) add friends **
3) ensure that you have added someone cute/sexy (creep them beforehand on facebook to ensure that they are single)
4) open chat with this person ***
5) begin chat with something casual and short (e.g. "hey cutie/sexy")
6) when you have been responded to**** with a similar response, answer nonchalantly (one word preferably) (e.g. "sup"or "suppy" or "wasssuuuuup" or "howudoin" or "lmfaohowru") keep in mind never to use question marks, they come off as "trying too hard"
7) when responded to**** continue with something along the lines of "i (L)***** ur dp!! do u lyke mine?? :S******
8) when responded to**** (they will most likely compliment you as well) respond with something along the lines of "lol"*******, "lmfao", "rotflol", "hahahhahah", "lshih", "haha"
9) they will respond with a similar message ****
10) respond to their response with "u r sooooooooo sexy/cute, do u hav a gf/bf ********?"
11) they will respond with "no :(". NOTE: don't get too excited, you have not yet sealed the deal.
12) respond casually with: "do u think ima qt?", which they will respond with "yea :S******"
13) Time to seal the deal: without fainting, type slowly (as to boost the insecurity on their side), and say "want 2b ma gf/bf? :S ****** (L) bcuz i think i (L) u"
14) they will probably die of happiness and not respond for a few minutes, but they will obvy********* respond with "k :D"
you now have a msn bf/gf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*google it and then download
** if you do not have any friends, type in random names/phrases @hotmail.com
***open chat by double clicking on their name, if they have a little red man beside their name, they are not online. If the little man never goes green, move on.
**** continue if they have not responded after three minutes, they may be away from the computer, or very popular, so you should make your presence known as best as possible, if worst comes to worst, have a conversation with yourself. This will show independance, which both sexes find very appealing.
***** (L) = Heart
******:S = Unsure face
******* you dont have to know what they mean, just say them, they make you look cool
******** bf/gf = boyfriend/girlfriend
********* obviously
Sunday, September 20, 2009
How To: Become a Gamer
1. Buy an x-box (live) and game (call of duty)
2. Don't call it call of duty.
3. Call it COD*
4. Insert sophisticated words or phrases such as, "n00b", "pwned", "pwnage", "owned", "ownage", "raped", and, "BOOM! head shot", into every sentance
5. Avoid the use of, "you", "your", "to", and "s". Instead, use, "u", "ur", "2", and "z".
6. When you laugh in public, replace your laughter with words such as, "lol", "lolz", "lollercopter", "lollerskates", "lollercaust", "steamloller", "lmao", "lmaonade", "lmfao", "rofl", "roflcopter"
7. Don't use words longer than 6 letters** (**)
8. Game every second possible***
9. Don't shower. Game.****
10. Buy gamer shirts*****
11. Concider anyone trying to prevent you from gaming "a noob tryin' to break my balls"******
12. Forget and remove the word "life" from your dictionary
*COD (k-aw-d)
**They take to long to pronounce and distract you from your potential gaming time
(**) Although, you can use lol words. (lollercopter, lollerskates, lollercaust, steamloller, lmaonade, and, roflcopter)
***Gamers don't need sleep, they need noobs to pwn.
****People can't smell you over x-box live anyways
*****Gamer shirts: (definition) shirts of popular games
******Including (especially) your friends and family
2. Don't call it call of duty.
3. Call it COD*
4. Insert sophisticated words or phrases such as, "n00b", "pwned", "pwnage", "owned", "ownage", "raped", and, "BOOM! head shot", into every sentance
5. Avoid the use of, "you", "your", "to", and "s". Instead, use, "u", "ur", "2", and "z".
6. When you laugh in public, replace your laughter with words such as, "lol", "lolz", "lollercopter", "lollerskates", "lollercaust", "steamloller", "lmao", "lmaonade", "lmfao", "rofl", "roflcopter"
7. Don't use words longer than 6 letters** (**)
8. Game every second possible***
9. Don't shower. Game.****
10. Buy gamer shirts*****
11. Concider anyone trying to prevent you from gaming "a noob tryin' to break my balls"******
12. Forget and remove the word "life" from your dictionary
*COD (k-aw-d)
**They take to long to pronounce and distract you from your potential gaming time
(**) Although, you can use lol words. (lollercopter, lollerskates, lollercaust, steamloller, lmaonade, and, roflcopter)
***Gamers don't need sleep, they need noobs to pwn.
****People can't smell you over x-box live anyways
*****Gamer shirts: (definition) shirts of popular games
******Including (especially) your friends and family
Saturday, September 19, 2009
How To: Not Fight Someone
1) Take one step back *
2) With the opposite foot** turn your back on the person you have infuriated
3) Taking one foot at a time, begin to speed your pace
4) Continue at a general speed of 20km/hr
5) When out of sight, hide until they pass by your hiding place ***
6) Leisurely, walk home as if nothing is wrong
7) Tell your mom
*This will ensure that if they slip fist first towards you, you will not be beaned
**Opposite Foot: the foot that you have not already stepped back with
***If you would like to jump out and startle them at this point, you may do as your please. However, we strongly advise against it unless we are around to watch
2) With the opposite foot** turn your back on the person you have infuriated
3) Taking one foot at a time, begin to speed your pace
4) Continue at a general speed of 20km/hr
5) When out of sight, hide until they pass by your hiding place ***
6) Leisurely, walk home as if nothing is wrong
7) Tell your mom
*This will ensure that if they slip fist first towards you, you will not be beaned
**Opposite Foot: the foot that you have not already stepped back with
***If you would like to jump out and startle them at this point, you may do as your please. However, we strongly advise against it unless we are around to watch
How To: Party in the USA
1. get off the plane in LAX*
2. put the jay-z (and/or britney) song on
3. wear (rock) kicks**
4. put your hands up
5. nod your head like yeah
6. move your hips like yeah
*bring your dreams and a cardigan
**not stilletos
2. put the jay-z (and/or britney) song on
3. wear (rock) kicks**
4. put your hands up
5. nod your head like yeah
6. move your hips like yeah
*bring your dreams and a cardigan
**not stilletos
How To: Put on Socks
1)Place pair of socks beside you within reach *
2)Be sure that you are not already wearing socks on your feet **
3)When absolutely positive you are not already wearing socks, take one sock from the pair within reach of you
4)With two hands, tightly grasp the edges of the sock, fingers placed on the outside of the large hole at the top
5)Gently, place toes within the large hole
6)Slowly, and gently, pull sock up past your heel so that your fingers are now still holding the sock, but they are now at around your ankle (or higher) ***
7)Release the sock from your grip
8)Repeat on opposite foot *****
*This is so that you will not lose them by placing them out of reach (out of reach, out of mind)
**This could be troublesome and uncomfortable when attempting to mount the sock to your foot.
***Be sure that you do not pull too hard ****
**** Pulling too hard may cause the sock to rip, ruining the sock (you don't want that)
*****If you attempt to place both socks on the same foot, that will leave one foot without a sock, meaning that foot will be unprotected from the weathering of life
2)Be sure that you are not already wearing socks on your feet **
3)When absolutely positive you are not already wearing socks, take one sock from the pair within reach of you
4)With two hands, tightly grasp the edges of the sock, fingers placed on the outside of the large hole at the top
5)Gently, place toes within the large hole
6)Slowly, and gently, pull sock up past your heel so that your fingers are now still holding the sock, but they are now at around your ankle (or higher) ***
7)Release the sock from your grip
8)Repeat on opposite foot *****
*This is so that you will not lose them by placing them out of reach (out of reach, out of mind)
**This could be troublesome and uncomfortable when attempting to mount the sock to your foot.
***Be sure that you do not pull too hard ****
**** Pulling too hard may cause the sock to rip, ruining the sock (you don't want that)
*****If you attempt to place both socks on the same foot, that will leave one foot without a sock, meaning that foot will be unprotected from the weathering of life
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