Tuesday, October 20, 2009

How To: Shop for Shoes

1) You must be friends with Kelly to effectively shop for shoes*
2) Hate your twin and your parents and defy them at any cost.** Ex: go out and get what you want.
3) Call all of your friends (but not all of them, that would take too much of your time), and talk about shoes
4) Tell them*** that you are going out shoe shopping with them
5) Go in to every shoe store and judge their shoes accordingly with words such as "Ohmygod" and "these shoes ruleee" and "these shoes suck."****
6) Remember, boys know nothing.
7) In between shoe shopping, go party*****
8) You MUST buy any pair of shoes that are $300. If not, you will appear to be a n00b.
9) If any biatch****** tries to tell you that you have big feet, fight her.
10) Since you are obviously friends with Kelly once you are shoe shopping with her, you now may call everyone a biatch****** at random. It is expected of you.

*for a teaser of what your frienship with Kelly may entail, check out the vid "shoes" on youtube (look for the really pretty blonde wearing glasses)
**they thought you wanted condoms, but you know what you want. and since you are a strong, confident woman, you know where to get em.
***they really dont have a choice
****It's okay to get angry every once and a while, so let it out
*****Invite robots to the party, but don't let anyone dance the robot (it will just be embarassing for everyone)
****** biatch- pronounced: "Ba-tch"

Monday, October 12, 2009

How To: Attain and Maintain a Food Baby

1. Eat roughly about 1/4 of your weight in food*
2. Do NOT exercise**
3. Sit or lay down for about 5 minutes while your baby grows to it's maximum size
4. Record the size of your baby on a wall so you can compare it to the future sizes of your food babies
5. Wear a revealing shirt to show how protruding your baby is***
6. Keep eating every 5 minutes so your food baby doesn't perish****
7. If anyone asks how many months along you are, simply say, "Oh it's only been 5 miunutes"*****
8. If you wish to maintain your food baby, keep eating every 5 minutes, and every hour eat 1/8 of your body weight. If you are uncomfortable with the attention you recieve from having a food baby, stop eating until the food baby starves to death.

*Eat as fast as possible, that way you won't feel full
**This is crucial that you don't exercise, because when you exercise, you sweat away your baby (could be concidered as murder)
***Such as a tube top will a hole cut out for your stomach to show
****Only eat snacks. If you eat too much, your food baby will explode.
*****If the person seems shocked or disgusted, know that their reaction is just out of pure jealousy, so ignore it.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

How To: Cover Up a Bad Haircut

1. Recieve a bad haircut*
2. Dye your hair a bright, unusual colour, to distract lookers from your bad haircut**
3. If you are uncomfortable with dying your hair, try covering up your head with an abnormally large hat, such as a sombrero.***
4. Travel to Mexico, so you fit in.****
5. Attain a good looking***** Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend (that has nice hair)
6. Wait until your hair grows back, then return home with your Mexican boyfriend/girlfriend.
7. When your friends see you with your hot boyfriend they will be so jealous/proud that they will forgive you for your hurtful words.******

*It is suggested you cut your own hair, or go to Great Clips
**Purple or ginger works best
***If you happen to be a flaming racist and do not want to wear a sombrero, try cutting everyone's hair to look worse than yours, therefore making you look babe-a-licious. (warning, this may start a mob, as people will not appriciate you destroying their hair)
****But do not tell your friends your reason for going. Simply tell them, "u guyz r boring. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. im goin 2 mexi cuz i wanna party.. ttyl suckaz"
*****The good looking part is crucial to making your friends jealous when you return home
******And they will never know you had a bad haircut!

Friday, October 9, 2009

How To: Hit on a Waiter/Waitress at a Restaurant

1) Sit down at desired table at restaurant*
2) Insist that you are seated at a table where your intended "hitee" serves**
3) When asked to order, start with drinks. Order water***. Your server will then ask "are you sure" (as water has no cost) and then you may begin conversing with them.
4) After allowing them to go fetch your drink, giggle alot when they return
5) Ask for the specials (when they ask)
6) Ask them to repeat the specials many times (when they ask why you arent listening, tell them you were lost in their eyes, and distracted by how beautiful their voice was)
7) When telling them your order, subtley add your phone number to your request****
8) As you are waiting for your order, ask the restaurant dj/manager to play a list of songs*****
7) When they return, thank them profusely and tell them you aren't sure if you are going to like it, so come and ask how you are doing alot just in case
8) Every time they come back, tell them there is something wrong with your food and you want something else (repeat steps until you are satisfied)
9) Once finished your meal, do not lick plate
10) Instead, in the remenants of your meal (ex: chocolate sauce) write your number/email address/home address/mothers home address/GPA/a cute saying describing your love for your server by Robert Frost or Judy Garland
11) Do same with bill
12) Before leaving, leave handsome tip******
13) Return 5-12 hours later and repeat steps.

*these tips will not help you unless you are at a restaurant. If you are somewhere like Abercrombie and Fitch and use these tips, you will not be successful (fyi: if you have to use tips at Abercrombie and Fitch you aren't good enough for anyone who works there)
**if you were unsucessful with "hitee" before this time, do not give up. You've seen the movies, one of these days those lucky buggers will come around.
***not only is it really tough, but it will show the person that you are saving your money so you may pamper them with gifts. Also, you will probably be returning alot, so spending all your money on drinks is not desired.
****ex. "I would like the Steak medium 555-3456 rare area code 534 with a side salad, coleslaw and pork rinds please." (adding your email adress when ordering dessert is often acceptable as well)
*****ex: "I know you want me" - Pitbull, "See You Again" - Miley Cyrus, "Sexyback" - JT, "You Belong with Me" - Taylor Swift, "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon, "Roxanne" - The Police
******handsome tip= half your bills worth. This will win them over if they did not seem to be enthused by you earlier in the day.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

How To: Be Kevin Gnapoor

1) join the mathletes
2) make a business card*
3) ensure that business card describes you to your best potential**
4) ensure that business card entails something about you being a Badass MC
5) show off your Badass MC skillz at school's annual christmas talent show***
6) give neat nicknames to hot chicks
7) only date women of colour


*this is vital, you need something to hand out to all the ladies who ask fo yo numba
**one line is all you really need. Just your name, and two of your skillz
***remember to associate yourself with james bond, and to mention something about shaggy and multiple women you can obviously attain

Saturday, October 3, 2009

How To: Look Cool at Tim Hortons

1. Only order drinks with caffeine
2. If you choose to order coffee, demand for a double double*/**
3. If you want to order food, it is suggested you get the soup and baquette combo***
4. Make sure to lick the bowl clean.
5. With a napkin, leave a note for Tim Horton's to remember you by.****
6. Leave gracefully*****

*double double: coffee with two creams, and two sugars.
**or deca deca. But nothing else.
***don't choose chili as your soup, for you will turn into a gas station. ("Gas station" -as quoted by papa dabean- means you are a person who releases toxic gases frequently)
****such as - "it waz gd. TYTYTY. if uz iz a male call dis # (insert your phone number here) t-bomb me l8r nd we can talk :D :D :D :D", or if you want to go for a more professional appeal, try, "hiz i liked da food thx... letz meet l8r... i'll b back 4 more food"
*****but not too gracefully

Thursday, October 1, 2009

How To: Be a Ho Fo Sho

1) watch music videos such as Don't Cha (Pussycat Dolls), These Boots (Jessica Simpson), Dirty (Xtina) and Party in the USA (Miley Cyrus)
2) study dance/walking moves carefully
3) insert these moves into everyday life*. If you cannot dance/walk, just mess up/flip your hair alot, it makes you look just as talented
4) whilst watching said music videos on repeat, study their choice in apparel**
5) insert said apparel into everyday life*
6) as you are watching these videos on repeat, keep in mind also to memorize all of the lyrics. This will help you in the long run, because now you can use them in everyday speech*** and everyone will find you mega sexy
7) Now that you have successfully inserted all of these moves into your everyday life*, speak really loudly about it wherever you are, so everyone can hear how much you are a ho fo sho. Because if they can't hear you talking about it, how is everyone supposed to know what you been up to or where their ho at?!
8) throw all previous morals out the window

*everyday life: walking around parks/your house/other persons house/the street/the street corner
**commonly chosen items: short shorts, belly shirts, lip/naval piercings, cowboy boots, mud/water, nude. For males: short shorts, high socks, headbands, diamond earings, BeWild kicks, belly shirt, fedora (for mastery on this look check Kevin Federline)
***Ex. "This is a lovely playground, it makes me wanna get rowdy, and possibly get a little unruly", "I was movin my hips like yeah when i hit that guy on the skateboard and he had to go to the hospital" and "don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? You probably wish she baked too, so I also bake brownies! lolercopter d8 me!!!!!!!"