1. Watch pocahontas.
2. Go for a nature walk and ponder the deepest philosophical question- whether you can paint with all the colours of the wind.
3. Upon finding your answer you should discover your true natural roots*
4. Create a new name for yourself**
5. Create a marking of your new name on a tree, this is your new home.
6. Explore your new neighbourhood, and introduce yourself to your new neighbours and get on their good side***
7. To become friends with the bears, you will have to compliment them like there is no tomorrow.****
8. Once all your neighbours have been won over, dub yourself the new king and/or queen of: Land of (insert nature name here)*****
*Even though you've found your natural identity, nature is not yet your friend, because nature doesn't play easy like civilization does.
**Example: Sacagawesome, Pocahotty, HueJass and Leaf.
***Bears are the hardest to achieve friendship with.
****NEVER call a bear "big guy" they are highly sensitive about their weight. Use such compliments as, "were you in the charmin commercial? 'cause you look like a model, daaaayuum.". This will make them love you.
*****Nature will instantly become your friend.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
How To: Survive a Mugging (inspired by braveheart)
1) Prepare: in order to initially attract potential muggers*, you must walk in their territory. Muggers are highly territorial, like the hookers in Pretty Woman.
2) To prepare further, display** your money holders prominantly while singing "London Bridges" by Fergie, like a nerd***
3) You will soon be approached by two muggers (research shows that muggers require moral support). First thing to do, deny everything they ask. If they ask you for money, say "I don't have money." If they ask you for your wallet, say, "I don't have a wallet****." If they ask you what your favorite movie is, say, "I don't have a favorite movie*****. All movies are good."
4) They will then begin to threaten you******, and difinitive research shows that their next words to you will be something along the lines of "give me your money or i will punch you in the face."
5) Since you are not dumb and will not just hand over your money, you will then recieve repeated punches to the face.
6) If you are alone, you are most likely screwed. Note: Be sure to have someone badass that is with you or nearby that is on your side. They will then attempt to save you from your certain fate of being mugged.
7) Luckily, muggers are often not very smart and will attempt to mug you in a public area. This way, someone may see the ensuing fight, and yell at them to leave you alone. If not, chances are you will have bested the muggers*******, and are now free.
8) If everything has gone correctly, you will still have your money, but multiple bruises and "war/mugging wounds". You may now cancel all plans for the day with the excuse that you have just beat off a couple of muggers and you need some time to bask in your badassness.
9) Burn a CD/tape with only the song "Hard" by Rihanna********, turn up the base and drive around town because you are also "HARD."
*contrary to popular belief, a "mugger" are not people who collect mugs. They prefer to be called "Heavy Duty Porcelain Hot Drink Cup Enthusiasts." Also, a HDPHDCE would never be caught in the sunlight, like actual "muggers."
**Or don't, it won't make a difference.
***Ex: "How is it that every time you come to this establishment the London Bridge wants to fall down? London? London? Yes i said London... Will you please stop booty shaking! The bridge is going to fall down!"
****Do not say: "I do however, have a purse. I might have a wallet and some money in there!"
*****DO NOT under any circumstances, say that you dislike all movies. Muggers are known to appreciate their movies and are often film critics in their spare time. Two fan favorites: American Gangster and Run Fatboy Run. If you say that you especially dislike these two films, you WILL infuriate them.
******Muggers are known for their trust issues.
*******After all, the only reason they wanted your money was so that they would have enough money to purchase a gym membership.
********You may also sing/rap this song, as you now can fully appreciate and understand the meaning of her words.
2) To prepare further, display** your money holders prominantly while singing "London Bridges" by Fergie, like a nerd***
3) You will soon be approached by two muggers (research shows that muggers require moral support). First thing to do, deny everything they ask. If they ask you for money, say "I don't have money." If they ask you for your wallet, say, "I don't have a wallet****." If they ask you what your favorite movie is, say, "I don't have a favorite movie*****. All movies are good."
4) They will then begin to threaten you******, and difinitive research shows that their next words to you will be something along the lines of "give me your money or i will punch you in the face."
5) Since you are not dumb and will not just hand over your money, you will then recieve repeated punches to the face.
6) If you are alone, you are most likely screwed. Note: Be sure to have someone badass that is with you or nearby that is on your side. They will then attempt to save you from your certain fate of being mugged.
7) Luckily, muggers are often not very smart and will attempt to mug you in a public area. This way, someone may see the ensuing fight, and yell at them to leave you alone. If not, chances are you will have bested the muggers*******, and are now free.
8) If everything has gone correctly, you will still have your money, but multiple bruises and "war/mugging wounds". You may now cancel all plans for the day with the excuse that you have just beat off a couple of muggers and you need some time to bask in your badassness.
9) Burn a CD/tape with only the song "Hard" by Rihanna********, turn up the base and drive around town because you are also "HARD."
*contrary to popular belief, a "mugger" are not people who collect mugs. They prefer to be called "Heavy Duty Porcelain Hot Drink Cup Enthusiasts." Also, a HDPHDCE would never be caught in the sunlight, like actual "muggers."
**Or don't, it won't make a difference.
***Ex: "How is it that every time you come to this establishment the London Bridge wants to fall down? London? London? Yes i said London... Will you please stop booty shaking! The bridge is going to fall down!"
****Do not say: "I do however, have a purse. I might have a wallet and some money in there!"
*****DO NOT under any circumstances, say that you dislike all movies. Muggers are known to appreciate their movies and are often film critics in their spare time. Two fan favorites: American Gangster and Run Fatboy Run. If you say that you especially dislike these two films, you WILL infuriate them.
******Muggers are known for their trust issues.
*******After all, the only reason they wanted your money was so that they would have enough money to purchase a gym membership.
********You may also sing/rap this song, as you now can fully appreciate and understand the meaning of her words.
How To: Pogo (as suggested by han)
1) The dance may be dead, but if Debbie Harry did it then it's always in style. First thing to remember, this dance does not require an actual pogo stick*.
2) Instead, you dance as if you are riding a pogo stick by jumping up and down with your legs.
3) While jumping, shake head wildly**. Ladies- shake hair as that it covers your face as best as possible, this is no time for sophisticated hairography. Men with long hair- likewise.
4) Don't worry about "feeling" the music like they say on SYTYCDC***, the pogo is an entirely different art form altogether.
4) After 30 minutes of this dancing, raise an open beer****(bottle preferably) above your head.
5) Still jumping/dancing, you will then sprinkle the beer**** on your head*****. You have then succeeded in mastering the pogo.
*pogo sticks are cool, but if brought onto the dance floor it will only create chaos. ex: you bounce so vigorously that you slip on the ice sculpture that happens to be lying around, fall into a basket of abandoned puppies who are crushed under your immense weight, and then are chased out of the dance hall by pamela anderson (a devoted PETA member).
**"Arch back, throw head around." - Debbie Harry
***SoYouThinkYouCanDanceCanada
****or apple juice or water
*****DON'T MISS. trust me, doing the pogo, you don't want to be the one that gets in a fight. that'll follow you around forever.
2) Instead, you dance as if you are riding a pogo stick by jumping up and down with your legs.
3) While jumping, shake head wildly**. Ladies- shake hair as that it covers your face as best as possible, this is no time for sophisticated hairography. Men with long hair- likewise.
4) Don't worry about "feeling" the music like they say on SYTYCDC***, the pogo is an entirely different art form altogether.
4) After 30 minutes of this dancing, raise an open beer****(bottle preferably) above your head.
5) Still jumping/dancing, you will then sprinkle the beer**** on your head*****. You have then succeeded in mastering the pogo.
*pogo sticks are cool, but if brought onto the dance floor it will only create chaos. ex: you bounce so vigorously that you slip on the ice sculpture that happens to be lying around, fall into a basket of abandoned puppies who are crushed under your immense weight, and then are chased out of the dance hall by pamela anderson (a devoted PETA member).
**"Arch back, throw head around." - Debbie Harry
***SoYouThinkYouCanDanceCanada
****or apple juice or water
*****DON'T MISS. trust me, doing the pogo, you don't want to be the one that gets in a fight. that'll follow you around forever.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
How To: B.S Your Way Through a Presentation (as suggested by babian)
1) Scenario: you have to make a presentation about an important subject* in thirty minutes or less, or else you fail the course, get kicked out of the institution and have to be a roadie on the Kanye West world tour. However, the night before you were busy pwning n00bs on partypoker.com and forgot to study/prepare your presentation.
2) First thing to do: make sure your smoke machine is working correctly (smoke covering the ground at your feet for effect) and then start a monologue about yourself for as long as possible. This will ensure some sort of segway** into your topic of choice.
3) Monologue for approx. 10 minutes. This will lull your audience into a daze of your ego, so they will only be slightly aware of the thrilling/dumb stuff you are about to do for the next 20 mintues.
4) With your portable boom box*** (which you have previously loaded with a burned cd of such hits as "see you again" - miley cyrus, "sleep through the static" - jack johnson, "my sharona" - the knack, "blame it on the pop" - dj earworm, "hey ya"- outkast, "empire state of mind" - jay z/alicia keys, and "you can call me al" - paul simon) begin to lay down beats as loud as possible****.
5) Using your laptop*****, pull up some classic youtube videos such as: "stalking cat", or "blindfolded musical chairs" or "kid gets owned twice" or "How To: Drink a Deca Deca and Eat an Octomac." Try and make the volume on the videos overtake the volume of the music from your boom box.
6) Continue talking whilst all of this is going on, but mostly just say the name of your subject over and over again in animated tones and accents. Also, move your limbs around alot! This will make your presentation even MORE interesting!
7) Take questions! Taking your time to think of a "suitable" answer to the question is a great time user upper! And if they ask you something that could possibly be construde as "offensive," you can fight them! Fighting is an even better time user upper******!
8) Once the presentation is over, run out the door before anyone can catch you to ask you what the eff that was all about.
*such as: global warming, jane goodall, socialism or donald sutherland
**a way to start talking about your topic of choice... ex: "Last week i had an octomac... speaking of: i'd like to inform you about mad cow disease." "We were fated to meet... speaking of meat, i would like to tell you about the octomac i had last week."
***really old form of technology used for playing cd's/tapes out loud -unneccessary other than for special effect.
****This way your audience will have trouble hearing your exact words, and when you are asked to repeat yourself, you can say something else that is more intelligent.
*****If you don't have a laptop, you suck. Everyone has a laptop these days. Some people have two. Get with the times.
******The more fights you get in, the quicker your grader/judge/audience will try to end your presentation. Four or five is usually the rule.
2) First thing to do: make sure your smoke machine is working correctly (smoke covering the ground at your feet for effect) and then start a monologue about yourself for as long as possible. This will ensure some sort of segway** into your topic of choice.
3) Monologue for approx. 10 minutes. This will lull your audience into a daze of your ego, so they will only be slightly aware of the thrilling/dumb stuff you are about to do for the next 20 mintues.
4) With your portable boom box*** (which you have previously loaded with a burned cd of such hits as "see you again" - miley cyrus, "sleep through the static" - jack johnson, "my sharona" - the knack, "blame it on the pop" - dj earworm, "hey ya"- outkast, "empire state of mind" - jay z/alicia keys, and "you can call me al" - paul simon) begin to lay down beats as loud as possible****.
5) Using your laptop*****, pull up some classic youtube videos such as: "stalking cat", or "blindfolded musical chairs" or "kid gets owned twice" or "How To: Drink a Deca Deca and Eat an Octomac." Try and make the volume on the videos overtake the volume of the music from your boom box.
6) Continue talking whilst all of this is going on, but mostly just say the name of your subject over and over again in animated tones and accents. Also, move your limbs around alot! This will make your presentation even MORE interesting!
7) Take questions! Taking your time to think of a "suitable" answer to the question is a great time user upper! And if they ask you something that could possibly be construde as "offensive," you can fight them! Fighting is an even better time user upper******!
8) Once the presentation is over, run out the door before anyone can catch you to ask you what the eff that was all about.
*such as: global warming, jane goodall, socialism or donald sutherland
**a way to start talking about your topic of choice... ex: "Last week i had an octomac... speaking of: i'd like to inform you about mad cow disease." "We were fated to meet... speaking of meat, i would like to tell you about the octomac i had last week."
***really old form of technology used for playing cd's/tapes out loud -unneccessary other than for special effect.
****This way your audience will have trouble hearing your exact words, and when you are asked to repeat yourself, you can say something else that is more intelligent.
*****If you don't have a laptop, you suck. Everyone has a laptop these days. Some people have two. Get with the times.
******The more fights you get in, the quicker your grader/judge/audience will try to end your presentation. Four or five is usually the rule.
Friday, January 22, 2010
How To: Look the Coolest on Twitter
1) Go to: twitter.com
2) From twitter.com, join, and give yourself a badass username*
3) Once your name is badassy enough, make sure you follow everyone you personally know who has twitter.
4) Start following celebrities.**
5) At every opportunity, mention a celebrity in your tweet***
6) Take a sexy**** photo of yourself and use it as your profile pic.
7) With this photo, you will definitely attract many people to your page. Ensure that you keep them occupied*****
8) Use every time you go on twitter to make your life seem more interesting than it actually is.
9) Twitter is the coolest thing since sliced bread/facebook, so make sure everyone knows you have it! Handwrite letters to all of your friends and send them through the post!******
*such as: "howtodostuffff" or "shellyyyy" or "supgurl81" or "followme&1'LLgiveumY#;)" or "Oprah"
**Don't follow celebrities who are out of your league, if you add celebrities who are out of your league, people will not think you are actually friends with them.
***ex: "if only @TheEllenShow knew how to do stuff too..."
****NO NUDITY. NO. ONE. WANTS. TO. SEE. YO. BUM. OLEY.
*****Update them on evvvvverrryyything. No matter is too private, no location is too secret. If you are on pandora and mating with the blue giants or if you are downtown at the starbucks on the corner on robson st... YOUR FOLLOWERS MUST BE AWARE!
******They will be so amazed by this feat of prehistoric messaging, that they will join twitter, and follow you and only you out of sheer awe and inspiration!
2) From twitter.com, join, and give yourself a badass username*
3) Once your name is badassy enough, make sure you follow everyone you personally know who has twitter.
4) Start following celebrities.**
5) At every opportunity, mention a celebrity in your tweet***
6) Take a sexy**** photo of yourself and use it as your profile pic.
7) With this photo, you will definitely attract many people to your page. Ensure that you keep them occupied*****
8) Use every time you go on twitter to make your life seem more interesting than it actually is.
9) Twitter is the coolest thing since sliced bread/facebook, so make sure everyone knows you have it! Handwrite letters to all of your friends and send them through the post!******
*such as: "howtodostuffff" or "shellyyyy" or "supgurl81" or "followme&1'LLgiveumY#;)" or "Oprah"
**Don't follow celebrities who are out of your league, if you add celebrities who are out of your league, people will not think you are actually friends with them.
***ex: "if only @TheEllenShow knew how to do stuff too..."
****NO NUDITY. NO. ONE. WANTS. TO. SEE. YO. BUM. OLEY.
*****Update them on evvvvverrryyything. No matter is too private, no location is too secret. If you are on pandora and mating with the blue giants or if you are downtown at the starbucks on the corner on robson st... YOUR FOLLOWERS MUST BE AWARE!
******They will be so amazed by this feat of prehistoric messaging, that they will join twitter, and follow you and only you out of sheer awe and inspiration!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How To: Successfully Open a Door
1. Firmly grasp your desired door knob*
2. Carefully turn the knob clockwise**
3. Depending on the door you will now need to push or pull the door open, while keeping the knob turned***
4. Once door if fully extended open, you should check the doorway path to make sure it is clear of all hazzards before walking through it.
5. It is now appropriate to clap in praise for your successful door opening
*For best results, the knob should belong to the door you would like to open.
**Clockwise = the same direction in which a clock turns.
***CAUTION: if you are pulling the door, make sure you are not in the doors opening path, this could result in serious ownage.
2. Carefully turn the knob clockwise**
3. Depending on the door you will now need to push or pull the door open, while keeping the knob turned***
4. Once door if fully extended open, you should check the doorway path to make sure it is clear of all hazzards before walking through it.
5. It is now appropriate to clap in praise for your successful door opening
*For best results, the knob should belong to the door you would like to open.
**Clockwise = the same direction in which a clock turns.
***CAUTION: if you are pulling the door, make sure you are not in the doors opening path, this could result in serious ownage.
Friday, January 15, 2010
How To: Look Cool at a Sporting Event
1) Sporting Event = an event wherein humans compete against one another in organized competition. With, or without balls.*
2) The best way to look cool at a sporting event is to begin weeks in advance. Planning is essential.
3) Make signs that draw attention to yourself, and not the event you are watching.** Ideas for signs include: "I WANNA BE ON SPORTSNET" or "I'm a fanatic 4 U!" or "We're/I'm Single!!" or "don't worry, you can score on me any day!"
4) Practice using sports jargon in your every day speech.***
5) Paint self in both teams colors. If you do this, then after the game if your team does not win, you may not be beaten up by fellow specators who think you were cheering for the team who lost.
6) Purchase as many noisemakers as possible. i.e trumpets, foghorns and general horns.
7) Once at the game only cheer for the winning team.****
8) If anyone asks why you're there, tell them you took a wrong turn on the highway and this is where you ended up.*****
*individual sports such as swimming (Micheal Phelps!!!!) or figure skating (Patrick Chan!!! = homosexual?...) are included. Ping pong is especially included.
**This way, if there are camera crews, or especially attractive people, they will film/see you. Making you appear very cool to all.
***Ex for Basketball: "I am positive that I scored a trifecta on that exam... I was unsure whether to turnover the back page, but I boxed the idea out of my mind and took myself downtown to give that unkind fellow at the coffee shop another foul shot... he will not mistreat my double double again..."
****Unless you want to cheer for the losing team... actually, just cheer for the team everyone else is cheering for.
*****or, tell them you're boyfriend/girlfriend is the MVP
2) The best way to look cool at a sporting event is to begin weeks in advance. Planning is essential.
3) Make signs that draw attention to yourself, and not the event you are watching.** Ideas for signs include: "I WANNA BE ON SPORTSNET" or "I'm a fanatic 4 U!" or "We're/I'm Single!!" or "don't worry, you can score on me any day!"
4) Practice using sports jargon in your every day speech.***
5) Paint self in both teams colors. If you do this, then after the game if your team does not win, you may not be beaten up by fellow specators who think you were cheering for the team who lost.
6) Purchase as many noisemakers as possible. i.e trumpets, foghorns and general horns.
7) Once at the game only cheer for the winning team.****
8) If anyone asks why you're there, tell them you took a wrong turn on the highway and this is where you ended up.*****
*individual sports such as swimming (Micheal Phelps!!!!) or figure skating (Patrick Chan!!! = homosexual?...) are included. Ping pong is especially included.
**This way, if there are camera crews, or especially attractive people, they will film/see you. Making you appear very cool to all.
***Ex for Basketball: "I am positive that I scored a trifecta on that exam... I was unsure whether to turnover the back page, but I boxed the idea out of my mind and took myself downtown to give that unkind fellow at the coffee shop another foul shot... he will not mistreat my double double again..."
****Unless you want to cheer for the losing team... actually, just cheer for the team everyone else is cheering for.
*****or, tell them you're boyfriend/girlfriend is the MVP
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