Wednesday, June 16, 2010

How To: Make the Best out of a Bad Situation (ie.Gulf Coast Oil Spill)

1) Throw out insane ideas* to the media and public to ensure them that you are really trying the best you can to think of an INCREDIBLE solution.
2) Attempt to make the problem better, by making it worse. This way, conservationists and those other tree huggers will have something to do. It's been a while since the last human created disaster.
3) Start buying stocks in Dawn dish soap**.
4) In an attempt to make up for lost profit spewing into the ocean and destroying ecosystems, find another place to drill for oil in another stable environment (ie. British Columbian Rocky Mountains), and promise that this time you won't mess up.
5) Tell people it will ONLY be three months before the problem is fixed.
6) Kill Gary Coleman, make the NBA Finals go to 7 games, and make Matthew McConeheys baby*** pose by a fire truck so that people will forget that your issue was ever in the news at all.
7) Sit around watching the World Cup**** instead of coming up with reasonable***** solutions to the problem.
8) Consider using an atom bomb to break up the oil spill... but make sure the president does NOT allow it******.
9) Don't be BP*******.

*This way, people will think the owners of your oil company are total idiots, and won't expect much from you. Low expectations are key.
**For every bottle sold, $1 goes towards cleaning up animals such as ducks, otters and seagulls damaged by oil spills.
***Very easy to be distracted if this baby is around.
****Make HUGE bets on teams, that way if you win, you might be able to find a way to fund the cleanup of the mess you created. And if you lose, well then the government will have to bail you out just a little bit more.
*****Reasonable does not mean: "The Top Hat" solution, which was previously discussed, tried and failed.
******First of all, Russians do this all the time (allegedly) and as we all know, they are crazy and waaaay to Haaard (like Rihanna). Second, any USA president would be crazy to consider anything the russians encourage (unless it comes to figure skating, hockey, defeating crazy tyrants with harsh winters, or drinking mass amounts of vodka)
*******BP= not Boston Pizza.

Monday, June 7, 2010

How To: Win At the MTV Movie Awards

1) Since most of our readers are probably in the movie/music/disney business, we believe most of you should know exactly how to win at the most prestigious award show of the year... the MTV one. So firstly, realize that you must do this in order to be seen as a hero by the fans, and the academy*.
2) Choose a film which will exentuate your strongest features. ie- your facial attractiveness, your slammin bod**, your sexuality, and your ability to play a vampire.***
3) If you get to be a vampire in this movie, you're golden. It won't matter how much screen time you get or how badly you act/suck****, you'll still probably win the golden popcorn statuette. However, if you're cast as the teen wolf... continue the steps.
4) Go on every online blog, tv show, interview and press junkit, and tell all of the 13 year old female***** viewers that if they vote for you, not only will you date them, but you will buy them an ice cream cone, and a pack of Junior Mints.
5) Once you're on the show, swear alot (it's a trend). Swear if you're interviewed, swear if you're walking by cameras, swear if you're talking to your friends, swear if you're talking to your mom, swear if you're on stage, swear if you lose, and most of all... F%&!ING SWEAR WHEN YOU WIN!
6) Once you win, thank everyone... but only jesus if you really, really have to. This isn't the MTV Music Video Awards******. Also, you gotta mention the fans*******- because if it weren't for them, you seriously would not be winning any type of award.

*It will likely be your first step to greatness.
**Debateable - ex. rpats and the naked asian gangster guy from the hangover (however, he was freakin hilarious).
***Ability to act= not important.
****(vampire pun)
*****The main voting demographic of the MTV Movie Awards (clearly).
******Or for that matter, the Country Music Awards.
*******the overwhelming amount of 13 year old girls who voted, since they're probably the only ones who care enough to vote anyways.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

How To: Not Shoot the Puppy

1) If you think we're really talking about shooting an actual puppy, you are stupid*, so go to this site and then you'll understand the rest -http://www.rrrrthats5rs.com/games/dont-shoot-the-puppy/
2) Whatever you do, don't shoot it**. You can do this by not moving your computer mouse at all***.
3) They're going to try and fool you, but don't fall for it****.
4) They're going to try really really hard to fool you, and trust us, thanks to your parents giving birth to you in time to get you hooked on the computer, all of your primal and initial computer instincts will arise. Seriously, you're going to want to fall for it*****.
5) If you are foolish enough to intend on beating this game, you must be fully committed. Go against all of your baser instincts- do not internet-instant chat if you intend to win. Therefore, checking what other players have said (such as Matt: "Level 12 is really hard"), is totally off the table. You must limit your curiosity!
6) Do not become frustrated with the puppy******, this will only cause you to break your focus.
7) If you do, in fact, shoot the puppy, you have successfully wasted an afternoon for no congruent reason.

*Or else incredibly uninformed and get out waaaaaaaay too much.
**The puppy.
***Sounds easy- sooooo not.
****Seriously.
*****Don't. We mean it.
******It's just an innocent cyber/devil creature.

How To: Use the Shake Weight

1) You must be over 18* in order to use the Shake Weight.
2) After firmly grasping** your handy Shake Weight, and putting on your brightest sports bra/speedo-thong, position yourself according to your personal preference***
3) Now, you may shake the weight.
4) After shaking for a while, do not be afraid to change up the rhythm occasionally! The intoxicating sound of the Shake Weight will probably stir up some primal rhythm instincts, so endulge them!!****
5) Sing along!*****
6) If you are in on the joke****** of the Shake Weight (like the girl in the bright pink bra), just go with it... you'll have many more boyfriends/girlfriends******* if you continue (which makes using the product worth every cent, since that's most likely what you got it for anyways).

*Viewer enjoyability goes way down if you are underage. However, being overweight raises the enjoyability factor.
**In one, or two hands! The Shake Weight is thick/long enough to accomadate both!
***Whichever position will make you less fat.
****Examples of songs which will endulge this primal rhythm instinct: Baby Got Back- Sir Mixalot, Candy Shop- Fiddy "50" Cent, or anything performed by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
*****Your family/everyone watching you through the window (or, if you are not a Shake Weight virgin, your multiple stalkers), will find this the cherry on top of your entrancing show.
****** Just watch the vid, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXHUdvvHTkw&feature=channel - trust us, you'll get it too.
*******http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI - NOW MANLIER

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

How To: Be a Dino (aka, Dinosaur)

1. Tap into your most prehistoric behaviours by finding the true roots of your dinosaur roar (/ mating call)*
2. Depending on your diet preferance, you must hunt accordingly. (Herbivore, Omnivore, Carnivore)
3. Even if you choose to be a herbivore, you are still a dinosaur. Therefore, you need to man up and eat some MEAT.**
4. To catch your prey, you must use your mating call to attract lonely dinos/prey***
5. Lead the dino-prey on, but just enough to be your friend. And only your friend. (However, thye may think otherwise).
6. Once your prey has been sufficiently wooed, you may now pounce.
7. Battle for life and extinction will ensue. Ultimatley that you will prevail.
8. After eating your meal of scumptious other-dino, you now need to burn off those calories... (For How To: Burn Off Dino Calories... see step 9.)
9. Join every intramural team.
10. Name your team "The Raptorz"****
11. Continue your innocent life as a dino until you are eliminated (or not) by extinction.*****

*You can do this by taking off all of your clothes and placing claws in the air, and releasing the most alluring, yet masculatory noise of your life.
**Tofu does not count as a substitute.
***All dinos need friends.
****Even if you are not a raptor, they are the dominate species, and therefore must be the name of your team. (for more of a "G" attitude, you may add a "Z" to the end of your team name).
*****See up coming how to on How To: Not Get Eliminated by Extinction.