Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How To: Get a Job

1) Only apply to the places you want* to work.
2) If at first you don't succeed, apply to all the places you kind of want to work.
3) When you get respectfully turned down** again, apply to the places you don't really want to work, but might make a good story***.
4) Once you are turned down once more**, apply at Burger King****.
5) Once you get an interview*****, charm them with your lovely white smile (brush your teeth and don't use scope plus whitening******)
6) Compliment them alot, for example: on their joyous phisique or jaunty attitude... perhaps a mention of their sparky tone? Whatever the comment, flattery goes a long way.
7) If all of this fails, have sex with them*******.

*remember, your future employer will be overjoyed that you are even applying... so go big or go home! apply at the airport!
**when you don't get the job/rejected
***example of a job that you don't really want but will make a good story: Laundress for teenage army cadets. one word: condoms.
****They're always hiring and pay well.
*****Which you will obv get
******It tastes like vomit
*******Don't actually do this. Unless of course, you are a prostitute.... and even then, don't do this if you didn't get the job.