1) Looking like a Guitar Hero is all about appearances. Shades*, graphic t's**, badass shoes that display your sexual orientation***, and jeans with some sort of tear in them are a necessity. Also, a cool guitar****.
2) Purchase video camera or camcorder of some kind.
3) Go online and download acoustic version of the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis*****.
4) By this time, you should be realizing that being a Guitar Hero is really just all about picking up.
5) Find somewhere where you can be alone******, and set up your camcorder facing you with your guitar, and your boom box behind the camcorder, and begin mimicking the chords that the song is playing.
6) Whilst this mock performance, really feel the music. The future viewer will really appreciate the emotion you are putting in to your fake guitar playing if you give it 110% of your effort and grit.
7) With your new video, show it to attractive, yet musically challenged future******* boyfriends/girlfriends.
8) Learn how to play guitar reeeeeeeeeeeeaaallllyyyyyy gooooooooood.
*Awesomer than regular "sunglasses".
**T-shirts with a cool sayings such as: "cougarbait", "PIMP", "GHIWF" (GuitarHeroIWannaF)
***You only get one chance to let the world know who you want to save with your guitar hero awesomeness. Mess this one up, and your groupies will be unsatisfying.
****Guitar must be included fo sho.
*****Other acceptable songs: "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer, "Hero" by Enrique Eglasias, "One Less Lonely Girl" by Justin Bieber, "From this Moment On" by Shania Twain, or anything by Bryan Adams.
******No one else is around. Possibly a grassy knoll in the middle of a dense and mystical forest.
*******Almost instantaneously after showing them the video, they will ask you to be their boyfriend/girlfriend.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
How To: Be a Surfin Bird
1) Download the song "Surfin Bird"*
2) Find a bird and a surfboard.
3) Throw them away because you do not need them to be a Surfin Bird.
4) At any opportunity**, sing the song.
5) Dance like a maniac whilst you do this, and you may find jesus.***
*or: watch this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184
**Create opportunities. Ex: "uhm excuse me, sir... have you heard? you haven't? well, i believed that everyone had heard..." (begin song).
***Seriously.
2) Find a bird and a surfboard.
3) Throw them away because you do not need them to be a Surfin Bird.
4) At any opportunity**, sing the song.
5) Dance like a maniac whilst you do this, and you may find jesus.***
*or: watch this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184
**Create opportunities. Ex: "uhm excuse me, sir... have you heard? you haven't? well, i believed that everyone had heard..." (begin song).
***Seriously.
How To: Win Your Oscar Pool
1) Before you begin, you must know what the Academy Awards are*: They are little, painted gold men, who are all coincidentially named Oscar, atop a short black pedestal, which all famous people strive to hold/caress in their hands one day.
2)Trick your friends into believing that the Academy Awards are not on sunday**, but on monday.
3) Remember everyone who wins an Oscar, and record the show***.
4) When at your friends house for the Oscar Pool Party, create a distraction****, and slip the recording into their television.
5) Trick everyone into thinking that you are just picking randomly.
6) Make sure no one picks the same nominees as you*****.
7) Run around the room cheering because you are awesome at Oscar Pool Parties.
8) Collect money and leave residence.
*Knowing what they are is not a necessity. It just helps you appear intelligent and "in the loop" when you win the pool.
**The actual date of the Academy Awards
***You may run out of time on your PVR or tape recorder, because the show is so goddamn long.
****"WTF is your mom doing out there in the bushes? Wait a second... OMG your mom is a cougar!" or "it's good luck in an Oscar Pool Party for everyone to leave the room for fifteen minutes." or, begin singing Tik Tok by Ke$ha.
*****They're all going to pick AVATAR anyway.
2)Trick your friends into believing that the Academy Awards are not on sunday**, but on monday.
3) Remember everyone who wins an Oscar, and record the show***.
4) When at your friends house for the Oscar Pool Party, create a distraction****, and slip the recording into their television.
5) Trick everyone into thinking that you are just picking randomly.
6) Make sure no one picks the same nominees as you*****.
7) Run around the room cheering because you are awesome at Oscar Pool Parties.
8) Collect money and leave residence.
*Knowing what they are is not a necessity. It just helps you appear intelligent and "in the loop" when you win the pool.
**The actual date of the Academy Awards
***You may run out of time on your PVR or tape recorder, because the show is so goddamn long.
****"WTF is your mom doing out there in the bushes? Wait a second... OMG your mom is a cougar!" or "it's good luck in an Oscar Pool Party for everyone to leave the room for fifteen minutes." or, begin singing Tik Tok by Ke$ha.
*****They're all going to pick AVATAR anyway.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
How To: Marry Sidney Crosby
1. Watch his golden goal*, and become mesmerized
2. Purchase life-size poster and mount it above your bed, so that you fall asleep under him.
3. Gaze into those sweet honey eyes.**
4. Find the man that came to every hockey game in Canadian attire, and persuade him to change his sign from, "He shoots he scores" to, "He's hot he scored"***
5. Wear a wedding dress to every game that he plays in.****
6. Sneak a ring into his glove, so that when he puts on his glove he also puts on your ring, displaying his love for you.*****
7. When he leaves the rink, the press will be all over the ring on his finger. At this time it is appropriate to flash your matching ring to the press.
8. Et voila! Everyone will now think you are the new Mrs. Crosby, including Sidney himself.
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha9B7f8vKt8
**Falling asleep may become troublesome
***Or, "Hockey is SIDNEY'S game" Or, "You can score on me any day ;)" or, "I'M SINGLE"
****This will ensure that he notices you as his future wife. You are now in contention for the ultimate first wedding draft pick.
*****Just make sure that he doesn't get into any fights that game, as this will cause him to lose the ring when he drops the gloves (but who are we kidding, he's not going to risk messing up that perfect face of an angel)
2. Purchase life-size poster and mount it above your bed, so that you fall asleep under him.
3. Gaze into those sweet honey eyes.**
4. Find the man that came to every hockey game in Canadian attire, and persuade him to change his sign from, "He shoots he scores" to, "He's hot he scored"***
5. Wear a wedding dress to every game that he plays in.****
6. Sneak a ring into his glove, so that when he puts on his glove he also puts on your ring, displaying his love for you.*****
7. When he leaves the rink, the press will be all over the ring on his finger. At this time it is appropriate to flash your matching ring to the press.
8. Et voila! Everyone will now think you are the new Mrs. Crosby, including Sidney himself.
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha9B7f8vKt8
**Falling asleep may become troublesome
***Or, "Hockey is SIDNEY'S game" Or, "You can score on me any day ;)" or, "I'M SINGLE"
****This will ensure that he notices you as his future wife. You are now in contention for the ultimate first wedding draft pick.
*****Just make sure that he doesn't get into any fights that game, as this will cause him to lose the ring when he drops the gloves (but who are we kidding, he's not going to risk messing up that perfect face of an angel)
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