Friday, September 2, 2016

How To: Drink Guinness

1. Go to Ireland*
2. Go to an IRISH Pub
3. Stand in the doorway for about 10 minutes.
4. Turn around because there is too many old people
5. Go to a different pub and turn around because there is too many people
6. Go to a third pub and stay there**
7. Go to the bartender and ask "what's the crack??"***
8. Before he can even answer, ask for a pint****
9. While (s)he is pouring, make sure to make noises*****
as you judgmentally assess their pour.
10. Once the sweet nectar has been served. Refuse to touch it until it has turned black like the plague.******
11. Take your first sip.
13. Take another sip.
14. SPIT IT OUT onto the oulde man next to you
15. Exclaim "this is not class!"*******
16. Run.

*More specifically, tell people you've been to Ireland
**At this point, it doesn't really matter because you just want your Guinness
***Not to be confused with "where do I get crack?"
****Of Guinness
*****Noises such as: hmmm, AHHHHH, WOAAAH buddy, ooooh, etc.
******Actually it's really really dark Amber
*******Horses are class

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

How To: Write a Research Paper

1) Find yourself a quiet space*
2) Open your laptop**, and find the research you have already completed.
3) Plug in your ipod and play some tunes, such as glitch mob or JB or Drake
4) Open Facebook
5) Open Twitter
6) Open Reddit
7) Open Myspace
8) Open Pinterest
9) Open BBC News Online
10) Open Tumblr
11) Open Youtube
12) Open nexopia
13) Open Stumbleupon
14) Open TSN online
15) With your now open tabs***, move to a crowded place****
16) Enjoy the atmosphere*****
17) Wait until the night before the paper is due and spend the entire night completing 20 pages of b******t

*i.e. a library, or graveyard
**if you do not have a laptop, ignore all future rules and go write your friggin paper by hand you hipster
**** Remember to check your tabs as often as possible- there's a whole world out there for you to discover!
**** Preferably somewhere with many attractive people and ALL of your friends
*****Writing a paper is hard!

Monday, April 2, 2012

How To: Make it Through the Last Week of School

1. Determine which classes are most important and go to those.*
2. Reward yourself each day** - you're a champ you totally deserve it!
3. As for homework, complete it in the fastest way possible with minimal effort. Although, I'm sure you've already mastered that by now anyways if you've made it this far into the semester.
5. Have a brew****.... before and after class!
6. Week going by too slow? Have another beer.
7. Who cares if April fools day is over? You can still engage in springtime trickery***** for the sake of your own amusement.
8. When you finally make it through your last class of the school year do not forget to seize the moment with the classic high school musical jump of joy.
9. We are all aware of the dark cloud that looms overhead (aka finals) - but do not fret and enjoy your freedom once classes are over and get rowdy. Studying can wait!

*I mean what's the point in going to classes that you'll sleep through anyways, right? And plus, YOLO, since that justifies everything nowadays.
**Rewards include but not limited to: a pat on the back, a latte from Starbucks, etc.
***Nap. Because that shit is awesome.
****Why? Mmmmm beer. That's why.
*****Examples of awesome pranks: buying crickets and hide them in classrooms/dorms, show up to class dressed as a Jedi, etc.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How To: Get a Job

1) Only apply to the places you want* to work.
2) If at first you don't succeed, apply to all the places you kind of want to work.
3) When you get respectfully turned down** again, apply to the places you don't really want to work, but might make a good story***.
4) Once you are turned down once more**, apply at Burger King****.
5) Once you get an interview*****, charm them with your lovely white smile (brush your teeth and don't use scope plus whitening******)
6) Compliment them alot, for example: on their joyous phisique or jaunty attitude... perhaps a mention of their sparky tone? Whatever the comment, flattery goes a long way.
7) If all of this fails, have sex with them*******.

*remember, your future employer will be overjoyed that you are even applying... so go big or go home! apply at the airport!
**when you don't get the job/rejected
***example of a job that you don't really want but will make a good story: Laundress for teenage army cadets. one word: condoms.
****They're always hiring and pay well.
*****Which you will obv get
******It tastes like vomit
*******Don't actually do this. Unless of course, you are a prostitute.... and even then, don't do this if you didn't get the job.

Monday, April 4, 2011

How To: Make the Most of Your Friday

1. Prior to "Making the Most of Your Friday" you must know that it is in fact, Friday. * 2. Wake up, have your bowl, have your cereal. ** 3. Now that you are nourished, you must step outside to catch the bus. After all, there is still school today. 4. Upon waiting for the bus you will decide that "this shit ain't for me" so you should now call your friends and get them to pick you up. *** 5. When your friends arrive, you may find yourself in the situation of not knowing where to sit. Do you kick it in the front seat? Or the back seat? This is a common philisophical question. But to save time, just pick the back. 6. Once you have completed your day at school you now must make an appearance at which ever party you please. **** 7. Now that you are partying partying partying yeah! Make sure to keep your composure and keep your dance moves cool, even though we we so excited. 8. If a man who is more than twice your age wants to join your party, forget everything your elementary school teachers taught you. He is a solid rapper and knows how to party! So who cares if he wants to show you his Saturday. 9. Now that you have built up your street cred upon meeting an older friend, you will become cool enough to get invited to a backyard party. So advertise your "coolness" by jumping on stage and singing! *****

*Friday means that yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and afterwards is Sunday. **This will ensure that you will be able to build up your stamina to last you till the wee hours. ***Don't worry if they aren't old enough to drive. As long as they're rich enough to afford a convertible no one will care if they haven't even gone through puberty yet, because they can just pay off the police officer. ****If you do not get invited to any parties, just park your convertible in a parking lot, and dance around. People will eventually join. *****If you are shy and don't know what to do, just start singing "fun fun fun!" and any other thoughts you have about the weekend. Or even start reciting the days of the week.

Friday, December 24, 2010

How To: Successfully Buy/Give Gifts

1. When shopping for a Christmas present, make sure you have money. Otherwise, you're not going to make any progress. *
2. Everybody*** loves chocolate. So load up!
3. Now that you have half of your present taken care of, you must find a gift that resembles or reminds you of your present recipient. ****
4. Once you have your present you must wrap it.
5. It is inevitable that you find an enormous box to place your present in, that way the person who receives the present will be seriously impressed with the size of the gift.
6. When picking out a wrapping paper you must find the right paper that will accent the giant box for the gift. ******
7. Now that your present is legit, you may give it to your desired present receiver. *******

*Unless you are aware of the five finger discount. **
**Highly unsuggested.
***If one of your present recipients do not, in fact like chocolate, then they can gtfo.
****This can range from anything from a piece of jewelry to a Miley Cyrus CD.*****
*****Hopefully not the Miley Cyrus CD.
******Therefore, the gift wrap must be badass. Examples of badass wrapping paper are themes such as, Pokemon, My Little Pony, Mario Bros., or Hot Wheels.
*******It is suggested that you present the gift with a [Christmas] song and/or dance.

Monday, November 8, 2010

How To: Walk

1) From the standing position*, lift one foot** to around the mid-shin range of your other leg.
2) At this position, carefully propell your lifted foot in a forward motion, allowing gravity pull it down toward the ground as you force it forward.
3) Carefully***, allow your foot to hit the ground in a rolling motion- heel through to toe.
4) Using the momentum of the rolling motion of your foot, proceed to repeat the past steps with your other foot.
5) Always stay on the right side**** of the street when you walk. If someone has the indecency and nerve to walk toward you on their left, do not hesitate to walk directly in to them, as they are asking for it (the colloquial term for this is "Walking Chicken").
6) Once you've mastered those steps, you may add other things to your style of walking*****... everybody has their own unique jaunt!

*The ability to stand is a prerequisite.
**If you're right footed lift your right, or if your left footed lift your left. Or, if this is just a refresher and you've been walking for a while, try switching it up! It's up to you!
***Emphasis on being careful. Walking gets us where we need to go when you don't have a drivers license or bike or speedboat or golf cart or longboard or scooter or horse and carriage.
**** This rule is reversed once you enter the UK
***** Examples of walking styles: the "Skip step step skip" or the "Bouncing on each foot" or the "Wizard of Oz" or the "Drunken wobble" or the "Really abnormally long strides" or the "Cutting people off every second step" etc.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How To: Become Friends with a Celebrity

1) Spot them- celebrities are sneaky lil devils and often go to great lengths not to be seen*. So, you have to have a keen eye and an operating celeb-radar**. Hint: Celebrities often hang out at airports***
2) Once spotted, make eye contact over 20 seconds in length. This is to let them know that you know EXACTLY who they are****.
3) Make an excuse to get close to them. For example, if you are at the airport, make an effort to retrieve your baggage from the carousel right beside them. This will make it possible for you to "accidentally" bump into them so you can apologize. Prompting them to speak to you.
4) Upon their vocal acknowlegement of your presence on the planet, you must then tell a joke. This joke must refer to their current celebrity based project*****.
5) They will laugh******. You may silently celebrate.
6) Voila! You are now friends with a celebrity!!!!

*Leonardo DiCaprio is a prime example. However, his attempt of putting a jacket over his head and running about is not as sneaky as it sounds.
**The ability/device to spot sneaky celebrities. Some people are born with it. However, if you are not celeb-radar blessed- it can be purchased online.
*** According to TMZ.
****Some celebrities will attempt to pretend like they do not know who you are looking at, but this is just them being coy. Overcome this by winking- or for the keen Celebrity Befriender- lick your lips.
*****Example: Tom Felton (Malfoy- of Harry Potter fame) at the airport: "I thought you only travelled by broom"
******If they do not laugh, simply give them the url for - then continue to step 6.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

How To: Be a Guido

1. Get your ass to the gym and get yourself an eight-pack!
2. Go tanning every day*
3. Keep it fresh, only wear clean clothes.
4. Create a catchy name for yourself so everybody knows you're legit**
5. Go clubbing, every night***
6. Know that you are the best out there, and no one can shatter your confidence, so hit on every guidette in the club.
7. If you realize that your guidette is actually, infact a gernade - don't risk ruining your rep, get that bitch away by using as much force necessary, even if it means starting a brawl.
8. If you ever wake up realizing how bad your hangover is, don't deal with it - conquer it by gettin' the drinks out and getting drunk again!
9. Remember, GTL 4 lyfe.

*The oranger the better!
**Such as, The Situation, Pauly-D or Tony the Tiger
***In order to prepare for the club, make sure to wear your pre-shirt during the hours before going out, and put on your club shirt the moment you leave, in order to keep it fresh to death.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How To: Be a Tourist (inspired by apple and wob)

1) Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to blend in*.
2) Speak loudly in the language of your home country in various crowded places.
3) Speak louder in the language of the country you are currently visiting- everywhere or anywhere you are in earshot of someone who may speak that language. (remember, do not say any actual words in their language- just make up your own words and use the appropriate/inappropriate accent)
4) Buy matching clothes and wear them at the same time**.
5) Always compare your home country to the country you are visiting***.
6) Whilst visiting a tourism capital, you must stand- map open and raised ahead of you- with finger pointed in a westerly direction for over 10 seconds. Or, pull a Joey****.
7) Always listen to Rick*****.

*Ways to do this: Wearing a shirt or pants or underwear that obviously display with large lettering or otherwise bright colours, which country you are actually from. Or, in the same manner of clothing choice, wear the name of the country of which you are in currently- but also wear a hat.
**In public.
***For extra tourist effect, compare loudly (preferrably in a less touristy place) between the countries, and decide that your country does (for example) make better flan.
****Based on the hilarious character Joey Tribiani from the hit television show F.R.I.E.N.D.S- In "The One Where They Go To London" Joey opens a pop up tourist map of London, and proceeds to orient himself by laying it flat on the ground, and standing in the map to see where he is, and where he should go next. You can also call this "going inside the map".
*****Rick Steves. Self explainatory. If not, he's a travel expert who EVERYBODY in europe knows allllll about.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

How To: Make the Best out of a Bad Situation (ie.Gulf Coast Oil Spill)

1) Throw out insane ideas* to the media and public to ensure them that you are really trying the best you can to think of an INCREDIBLE solution.
2) Attempt to make the problem better, by making it worse. This way, conservationists and those other tree huggers will have something to do. It's been a while since the last human created disaster.
3) Start buying stocks in Dawn dish soap**.
4) In an attempt to make up for lost profit spewing into the ocean and destroying ecosystems, find another place to drill for oil in another stable environment (ie. British Columbian Rocky Mountains), and promise that this time you won't mess up.
5) Tell people it will ONLY be three months before the problem is fixed.
6) Kill Gary Coleman, make the NBA Finals go to 7 games, and make Matthew McConeheys baby*** pose by a fire truck so that people will forget that your issue was ever in the news at all.
7) Sit around watching the World Cup**** instead of coming up with reasonable***** solutions to the problem.
8) Consider using an atom bomb to break up the oil spill... but make sure the president does NOT allow it******.
9) Don't be BP*******.

*This way, people will think the owners of your oil company are total idiots, and won't expect much from you. Low expectations are key.
**For every bottle sold, $1 goes towards cleaning up animals such as ducks, otters and seagulls damaged by oil spills.
***Very easy to be distracted if this baby is around.
****Make HUGE bets on teams, that way if you win, you might be able to find a way to fund the cleanup of the mess you created. And if you lose, well then the government will have to bail you out just a little bit more.
*****Reasonable does not mean: "The Top Hat" solution, which was previously discussed, tried and failed.
******First of all, Russians do this all the time (allegedly) and as we all know, they are crazy and waaaay to Haaard (like Rihanna). Second, any USA president would be crazy to consider anything the russians encourage (unless it comes to figure skating, hockey, defeating crazy tyrants with harsh winters, or drinking mass amounts of vodka)
*******BP= not Boston Pizza.

Monday, June 7, 2010

How To: Win At the MTV Movie Awards

1) Since most of our readers are probably in the movie/music/disney business, we believe most of you should know exactly how to win at the most prestigious award show of the year... the MTV one. So firstly, realize that you must do this in order to be seen as a hero by the fans, and the academy*.
2) Choose a film which will exentuate your strongest features. ie- your facial attractiveness, your slammin bod**, your sexuality, and your ability to play a vampire.***
3) If you get to be a vampire in this movie, you're golden. It won't matter how much screen time you get or how badly you act/suck****, you'll still probably win the golden popcorn statuette. However, if you're cast as the teen wolf... continue the steps.
4) Go on every online blog, tv show, interview and press junkit, and tell all of the 13 year old female***** viewers that if they vote for you, not only will you date them, but you will buy them an ice cream cone, and a pack of Junior Mints.
5) Once you're on the show, swear alot (it's a trend). Swear if you're interviewed, swear if you're walking by cameras, swear if you're talking to your friends, swear if you're talking to your mom, swear if you're on stage, swear if you lose, and most of all... F%&!ING SWEAR WHEN YOU WIN!
6) Once you win, thank everyone... but only jesus if you really, really have to. This isn't the MTV Music Video Awards******. Also, you gotta mention the fans*******- because if it weren't for them, you seriously would not be winning any type of award.

*It will likely be your first step to greatness.
**Debateable - ex. rpats and the naked asian gangster guy from the hangover (however, he was freakin hilarious).
***Ability to act= not important.
****(vampire pun)
*****The main voting demographic of the MTV Movie Awards (clearly).
******Or for that matter, the Country Music Awards.
*******the overwhelming amount of 13 year old girls who voted, since they're probably the only ones who care enough to vote anyways.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

How To: Not Shoot the Puppy

1) If you think we're really talking about shooting an actual puppy, you are stupid*, so go to this site and then you'll understand the rest -
2) Whatever you do, don't shoot it**. You can do this by not moving your computer mouse at all***.
3) They're going to try and fool you, but don't fall for it****.
4) They're going to try really really hard to fool you, and trust us, thanks to your parents giving birth to you in time to get you hooked on the computer, all of your primal and initial computer instincts will arise. Seriously, you're going to want to fall for it*****.
5) If you are foolish enough to intend on beating this game, you must be fully committed. Go against all of your baser instincts- do not internet-instant chat if you intend to win. Therefore, checking what other players have said (such as Matt: "Level 12 is really hard"), is totally off the table. You must limit your curiosity!
6) Do not become frustrated with the puppy******, this will only cause you to break your focus.
7) If you do, in fact, shoot the puppy, you have successfully wasted an afternoon for no congruent reason.

*Or else incredibly uninformed and get out waaaaaaaay too much.
**The puppy.
***Sounds easy- sooooo not.
*****Don't. We mean it.
******It's just an innocent cyber/devil creature.

How To: Use the Shake Weight

1) You must be over 18* in order to use the Shake Weight.
2) After firmly grasping** your handy Shake Weight, and putting on your brightest sports bra/speedo-thong, position yourself according to your personal preference***
3) Now, you may shake the weight.
4) After shaking for a while, do not be afraid to change up the rhythm occasionally! The intoxicating sound of the Shake Weight will probably stir up some primal rhythm instincts, so endulge them!!****
5) Sing along!*****
6) If you are in on the joke****** of the Shake Weight (like the girl in the bright pink bra), just go with it... you'll have many more boyfriends/girlfriends******* if you continue (which makes using the product worth every cent, since that's most likely what you got it for anyways).

*Viewer enjoyability goes way down if you are underage. However, being overweight raises the enjoyability factor.
**In one, or two hands! The Shake Weight is thick/long enough to accomadate both!
***Whichever position will make you less fat.
****Examples of songs which will endulge this primal rhythm instinct: Baby Got Back- Sir Mixalot, Candy Shop- Fiddy "50" Cent, or anything performed by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
*****Your family/everyone watching you through the window (or, if you are not a Shake Weight virgin, your multiple stalkers), will find this the cherry on top of your entrancing show.
****** Just watch the vid, - trust us, you'll get it too.
******* - NOW MANLIER

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

How To: Be a Dino (aka, Dinosaur)

1. Tap into your most prehistoric behaviours by finding the true roots of your dinosaur roar (/ mating call)*
2. Depending on your diet preferance, you must hunt accordingly. (Herbivore, Omnivore, Carnivore)
3. Even if you choose to be a herbivore, you are still a dinosaur. Therefore, you need to man up and eat some MEAT.**
4. To catch your prey, you must use your mating call to attract lonely dinos/prey***
5. Lead the dino-prey on, but just enough to be your friend. And only your friend. (However, thye may think otherwise).
6. Once your prey has been sufficiently wooed, you may now pounce.
7. Battle for life and extinction will ensue. Ultimatley that you will prevail.
8. After eating your meal of scumptious other-dino, you now need to burn off those calories... (For How To: Burn Off Dino Calories... see step 9.)
9. Join every intramural team.
10. Name your team "The Raptorz"****
11. Continue your innocent life as a dino until you are eliminated (or not) by extinction.*****

*You can do this by taking off all of your clothes and placing claws in the air, and releasing the most alluring, yet masculatory noise of your life.
**Tofu does not count as a substitute.
***All dinos need friends.
****Even if you are not a raptor, they are the dominate species, and therefore must be the name of your team. (for more of a "G" attitude, you may add a "Z" to the end of your team name).
*****See up coming how to on How To: Not Get Eliminated by Extinction.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

How To: Be MC Hammer

1. Purchase a pair of parachute pants*. Perferably in bright, highlighter colours.
2. Shave the hair off your head, but still keep a patch on the top, so that you look badass, but stay warm.
3. Watch MC Hammer's infamous hit, "U Can't Touch This" and mimmic MC's dance moves.**
4. Now that you can dance like there's no tomrorow, you need a set of groupies, or "bitches".***
5. Once your crew is complete and legit, hit the streets. The world needs to digest your supreme talent.
6. Commence your performence in a highly populated area, such as the skate park.
7. After your routine is complete a riot may occur due to the awesomeness of the dance craze you have started.****
8. True MC Hammerness has now been achieved.

*Parachute pants = a pair of godly, silky pants that resemble loose genie pants.
**You may find the dance moves hard to maneuver, but don't fret because the parachute pants will make it look sweet no matter what.
***These groupies will appear in many of your music videos and dance behind you in spanex, as to display how lame people look without parachute pants, like yours.
****If police show up, distract them with your moves. They will be unable to do anything but be infected by your legit talent.

Monday, May 10, 2010

How To: Leave Your Childhood Innocence Behind

1) You must be a child female "pop star"* in order to leave your childhood innocence behind.
2) Have a really good reason to do this. Such as: You want to be treated your age (14), You want to explore your sexuality, You wanted to become a nudist but your agent/mom/dad said it wouldnt be appropriate so you used this as a plan b.
3) Date someone much older than you.**
4) Go out on the town and hit da clubz. You may only be 14-17, but just being there will make you seem totally cool and really un-innocent.
5) Make everyone think you are still a virgin even though you (and everyone else) knows you've totally banged a jonas brother***.
6) Make a music video that shows how grown up you've become, and make sure it is the same as every other music video that has already been made.****

*a young lady (verging on ho-dom) who "sings"/"dances" her way to the top of the pop charts. Also, preferably someone who has had a successful show on the family channel or G rated movies on her resume. Must require plastic surgery in the near future. Ex: The Young Britney Spears, The Young Lindsay Lohan, The Current Miley Cyrus.
**Or another lady.
***Or other attractive boy band member. Ex: Justin Timberlake, Nick Lachey
**** People will watch it and be like "oooh yeah i've seen this before... right, Xtina did this when she finally left her childhood innocence behind... oh yeah... wait, so this must mean [Enter "pop star" here] that she has left hers behind too!!!!!!!!! OOOOooooOOOHHHHHHH"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How To: Become a Facebook Stalker

1. Login to your facebook account.*
2. Go to the page of your desired stalk-ee.
3. Comment on every single status they have posted.**
4. Go to their personal information, and find out their e-mail, and phone number.***
5. Comment and like every profile picture they have.****
6. Confess your love for your stalk-ee in their honesty box.
7. Tag your stalk-ee in photos of hearts, couples holding hands, and other romantic things.
8. If they block you from their facebook, create a new account and start all over again.

*This step is crucial if you want to properly facebook stalk.
**Comment with things such as, "Lolz ur soo funneh! teheh", or, "i getz lost in ur werds, just lyk i get lost in ur eyez".
***E-mail and text them as much as you please, but never give away your identity.
****You don't want to come on too strong with your comments, so keep it on the down low, with such comments as, "u look gd in dis pic. but itd look better wit me in it :D :D <3<3<3 !!!"

Monday, April 5, 2010

How To: Be a Poser

1) To be a Poser, one first must understand the correct definition. Many believe the word is derived from the western anglo saxon action verb of pretending to be someone they are not; however, being a Poser is really a term for regular average-joesque's* who prefer to look good in pictures at all times- even casual/supposedly unposed shots.
2) Looking good is a must. You must look good every day of every year. If you do not look good in real life, then you will not look good on film. It is the E=MC2** formula of Poser-ing.
3) Never assume that there is not a camera near you. You must assume that the lens is always peering toward you like a merecat among the long savanna grass; and as the cheetah that the merecat is searching for a glance at, you must be ready to attack at all times.
4) There is no such thing as an irrevelent or useless camera***.
5) Now that you look good and are prepared for any camera that comes your way... you must learn the art of posing- Overexentuate every movement, even facial expressions. Props are vital. By overexentuating and using props, you will be set up for the perfect shot every time!****
6) Carrying around a blowdrier or handheld electric fan will ensure the perfect windblown look. NOTE: for complete naturaloscity- do not let the fan or blowdrier be seen in any photos.
7) Don't be afraid to pretend as though you do things of which you do not like or are not fond of or are not very talented at in order to take a great picture! If you do your duty as a Poser, everyone who sees the photo will fully believe that you do those things and think you are really cool for it!*****

*average-joesque=average-joe esque(like)=you.
***Security camera's or people of whom you are unaquainted with's cameras (you never know where those pictures could go... they might come back to haunt you).
****Failure at any time to overexentuate or use props will result in a bad shot, and banishment from the rhelm of Poserdom.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

How To: Survive a Power Outage

1) Become a pyromaniac. Light everything on fire, that way you can see everything.
2) Find a guitar and your local electrical repairman, and serenade them so that they work faster.
3) Since your microwave will not be in working order, you will not be able to make any food*, so cook** your food* over an open candle or flaming curtain etc***.
4) Play Cranium against foreign people (anyone who is not Canadian) and pwn those n00bs all the way back to europe or brazil on questions such as: "During the Great Depression- did Canadians use Moose to help till the soil on their farms?"****
5) If the power is out after doing all of the things mentioned above... go out into the middle of the street in your underwear carrying one candle. When someone asks what you're doing, tell them the voices in your head said that if you did this someone would make you a hot chocolate.*****
6) Make the person take you back to their house*****, and accept their offerings of hot chocolate.
7) When the power comes back on, go to McDonalds and eat a double cheeseburger.

* Pizza Pops
** The act of preparing food without a microwave, like they did in the 50's and/or stoneages.
*** A woodstove will work too.
**** To really screw them up, tell them that people use deer and beaver packs on their farms to till the soil all the time even today.
***** If you do this in front of your flame engulfed house, the effect of your rouse will be maximized.
****** BE ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that they have power at their house.

How To: Catch the Easter Bunny

1) Bait the bunny. Easter Bunnies are not the same as normal bunnies*, so you have to bait them accordingly. Use such things as "the promise of a better life" or "dental insurance" or "a donation to the dog pound" or "HUGE EASTER PARTY TONIIIIITTEEEE" to lure the bunny on to your property or in to your house.
2) Before the ED** arrives, booby trap key hiding places where the ED might attempt to hide your eggs.
3) Laugh manaically*** at your brilliant setup.
4) Once the ED arrives, hide yourself high in a treetop or crane****, and watch silently as the ED gets caught in your booby traps.
5) Let the ED struggle for a bit before you retrieve the bunny.
6) Keep ED as a pet*****, and allow adults to hide their own eggs for the kids. This way, kids will know whether their parents really love them.

*As we know from the Cadbury Egg commercials- these bunnies are white, plain looking rabbits who can fly planes and make noises like a chicken.
**ED= Easter DUMMY (aka the Easter BUNNY)
***Yet quietly
****Cranes can be rented from any local heavy duty machinery store.
*****FREE CHOCOLATE EGGS FOR LIFE (on account of the Easter Bunny being immortal)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How To: Look Like a Guitar Hero

1) Looking like a Guitar Hero is all about appearances. Shades*, graphic t's**, badass shoes that display your sexual orientation***, and jeans with some sort of tear in them are a necessity. Also, a cool guitar****.
2) Purchase video camera or camcorder of some kind.
3) Go online and download acoustic version of the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis*****.
4) By this time, you should be realizing that being a Guitar Hero is really just all about picking up.
5) Find somewhere where you can be alone******, and set up your camcorder facing you with your guitar, and your boom box behind the camcorder, and begin mimicking the chords that the song is playing.
6) Whilst this mock performance, really feel the music. The future viewer will really appreciate the emotion you are putting in to your fake guitar playing if you give it 110% of your effort and grit.
7) With your new video, show it to attractive, yet musically challenged future******* boyfriends/girlfriends.
8) Learn how to play guitar reeeeeeeeeeeeaaallllyyyyyy gooooooooood.

*Awesomer than regular "sunglasses".
**T-shirts with a cool sayings such as: "cougarbait", "PIMP", "GHIWF" (GuitarHeroIWannaF)
***You only get one chance to let the world know who you want to save with your guitar hero awesomeness. Mess this one up, and your groupies will be unsatisfying.
****Guitar must be included fo sho.
*****Other acceptable songs: "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer, "Hero" by Enrique Eglasias, "One Less Lonely Girl" by Justin Bieber, "From this Moment On" by Shania Twain, or anything by Bryan Adams.
******No one else is around. Possibly a grassy knoll in the middle of a dense and mystical forest.
*******Almost instantaneously after showing them the video, they will ask you to be their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Monday, March 8, 2010

How To: Be a Surfin Bird

1) Download the song "Surfin Bird"*
2) Find a bird and a surfboard.
3) Throw them away because you do not need them to be a Surfin Bird.
4) At any opportunity**, sing the song.
5) Dance like a maniac whilst you do this, and you may find jesus.***

*or: watch this clip
**Create opportunities. Ex: "uhm excuse me, sir... have you heard? you haven't? well, i believed that everyone had heard..." (begin song).

How To: Win Your Oscar Pool

1) Before you begin, you must know what the Academy Awards are*: They are little, painted gold men, who are all coincidentially named Oscar, atop a short black pedestal, which all famous people strive to hold/caress in their hands one day.
2)Trick your friends into believing that the Academy Awards are not on sunday**, but on monday.
3) Remember everyone who wins an Oscar, and record the show***.
4) When at your friends house for the Oscar Pool Party, create a distraction****, and slip the recording into their television.
5) Trick everyone into thinking that you are just picking randomly.
6) Make sure no one picks the same nominees as you*****.
7) Run around the room cheering because you are awesome at Oscar Pool Parties.
8) Collect money and leave residence.

*Knowing what they are is not a necessity. It just helps you appear intelligent and "in the loop" when you win the pool.
**The actual date of the Academy Awards
***You may run out of time on your PVR or tape recorder, because the show is so goddamn long.
****"WTF is your mom doing out there in the bushes? Wait a second... OMG your mom is a cougar!" or "it's good luck in an Oscar Pool Party for everyone to leave the room for fifteen minutes." or, begin singing Tik Tok by Ke$ha.
*****They're all going to pick AVATAR anyway.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

How To: Marry Sidney Crosby

1. Watch his golden goal*, and become mesmerized
2. Purchase life-size poster and mount it above your bed, so that you fall asleep under him.
3. Gaze into those sweet honey eyes.**
4. Find the man that came to every hockey game in Canadian attire, and persuade him to change his sign from, "He shoots he scores" to, "He's hot he scored"***
5. Wear a wedding dress to every game that he plays in.****
6. Sneak a ring into his glove, so that when he puts on his glove he also puts on your ring, displaying his love for you.*****
7. When he leaves the rink, the press will be all over the ring on his finger. At this time it is appropriate to flash your matching ring to the press.
8. Et voila! Everyone will now think you are the new Mrs. Crosby, including Sidney himself.

**Falling asleep may become troublesome
***Or, "Hockey is SIDNEY'S game" Or, "You can score on me any day ;)" or, "I'M SINGLE"
****This will ensure that he notices you as his future wife. You are now in contention for the ultimate first wedding draft pick.
*****Just make sure that he doesn't get into any fights that game, as this will cause him to lose the ring when he drops the gloves (but who are we kidding, he's not going to risk messing up that perfect face of an angel)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How To: Get a Ride Home

1. Wear minimal clothing*, who cares if it's winter.
2. DO NOT stick out your thumb as many noobs do. Drivers will think you're a road side critic trying to give them a thumbs up on their flawless driving.**
3. Commence dancing, and sing about your desire to get a ride home.
4. Prepare a sign that you can use when you get tired of singing and dancing.***
5. Don't be easy. If a car slows down don't get in right away. If the driver is old or has a mustache, they will most likely be a perfect canidate for a ride home. If you are unsure conduct a simple drivers quiz.****
6. If the driver passes inspection, go home!

*This will attract alot of attention. In a good way.
**Hence, how to get a ride home, NOT, how to look lame.
***Your sign should be very large, and bright and should say something such as, "i want you.......... to give me a ride home" or, "imma betch slap ya shatbag if you don't give me a ride home"
**** 1. Have you ever gone to jail? (if they say yes, this means they're super bad ass and worthy of driving you home, AND being your friend)
2. Did you complete high school?
3. Did you enjoy the movie dear john? (if they say yes, RUN AWAY FAST.)

.... any kidnappings are not responsible of

Thursday, January 28, 2010

How To: Make Nature Your Friend

1. Watch pocahontas.
2. Go for a nature walk and ponder the deepest philosophical question- whether you can paint with all the colours of the wind.
3. Upon finding your answer you should discover your true natural roots*
4. Create a new name for yourself**
5. Create a marking of your new name on a tree, this is your new home.
6. Explore your new neighbourhood, and introduce yourself to your new neighbours and get on their good side***
7. To become friends with the bears, you will have to compliment them like there is no tomorrow.****
8. Once all your neighbours have been won over, dub yourself the new king and/or queen of: Land of (insert nature name here)*****

*Even though you've found your natural identity, nature is not yet your friend, because nature doesn't play easy like civilization does.
**Example: Sacagawesome, Pocahotty, HueJass and Leaf.
***Bears are the hardest to achieve friendship with.
****NEVER call a bear "big guy" they are highly sensitive about their weight. Use such compliments as, "were you in the charmin commercial? 'cause you look like a model, daaaayuum.". This will make them love you.
*****Nature will instantly become your friend.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How To: Survive a Mugging (inspired by braveheart)

1) Prepare: in order to initially attract potential muggers*, you must walk in their territory. Muggers are highly territorial, like the hookers in Pretty Woman.
2) To prepare further, display** your money holders prominantly while singing "London Bridges" by Fergie, like a nerd***
3) You will soon be approached by two muggers (research shows that muggers require moral support). First thing to do, deny everything they ask. If they ask you for money, say "I don't have money." If they ask you for your wallet, say, "I don't have a wallet****." If they ask you what your favorite movie is, say, "I don't have a favorite movie*****. All movies are good."
4) They will then begin to threaten you******, and difinitive research shows that their next words to you will be something along the lines of "give me your money or i will punch you in the face."
5) Since you are not dumb and will not just hand over your money, you will then recieve repeated punches to the face.
6) If you are alone, you are most likely screwed. Note: Be sure to have someone badass that is with you or nearby that is on your side. They will then attempt to save you from your certain fate of being mugged.
7) Luckily, muggers are often not very smart and will attempt to mug you in a public area. This way, someone may see the ensuing fight, and yell at them to leave you alone. If not, chances are you will have bested the muggers*******, and are now free.
8) If everything has gone correctly, you will still have your money, but multiple bruises and "war/mugging wounds". You may now cancel all plans for the day with the excuse that you have just beat off a couple of muggers and you need some time to bask in your badassness.
9) Burn a CD/tape with only the song "Hard" by Rihanna********, turn up the base and drive around town because you are also "HARD."

*contrary to popular belief, a "mugger" are not people who collect mugs. They prefer to be called "Heavy Duty Porcelain Hot Drink Cup Enthusiasts." Also, a HDPHDCE would never be caught in the sunlight, like actual "muggers."
**Or don't, it won't make a difference.
***Ex: "How is it that every time you come to this establishment the London Bridge wants to fall down? London? London? Yes i said London... Will you please stop booty shaking! The bridge is going to fall down!"
****Do not say: "I do however, have a purse. I might have a wallet and some money in there!"
*****DO NOT under any circumstances, say that you dislike all movies. Muggers are known to appreciate their movies and are often film critics in their spare time. Two fan favorites: American Gangster and Run Fatboy Run. If you say that you especially dislike these two films, you WILL infuriate them.
******Muggers are known for their trust issues.
*******After all, the only reason they wanted your money was so that they would have enough money to purchase a gym membership.
********You may also sing/rap this song, as you now can fully appreciate and understand the meaning of her words.

How To: Pogo (as suggested by han)

1) The dance may be dead, but if Debbie Harry did it then it's always in style. First thing to remember, this dance does not require an actual pogo stick*.
2) Instead, you dance as if you are riding a pogo stick by jumping up and down with your legs.
3) While jumping, shake head wildly**. Ladies- shake hair as that it covers your face as best as possible, this is no time for sophisticated hairography. Men with long hair- likewise.
4) Don't worry about "feeling" the music like they say on SYTYCDC***, the pogo is an entirely different art form altogether.
4) After 30 minutes of this dancing, raise an open beer****(bottle preferably) above your head.
5) Still jumping/dancing, you will then sprinkle the beer**** on your head*****. You have then succeeded in mastering the pogo.

*pogo sticks are cool, but if brought onto the dance floor it will only create chaos. ex: you bounce so vigorously that you slip on the ice sculpture that happens to be lying around, fall into a basket of abandoned puppies who are crushed under your immense weight, and then are chased out of the dance hall by pamela anderson (a devoted PETA member).
**"Arch back, throw head around." - Debbie Harry
****or apple juice or water
*****DON'T MISS. trust me, doing the pogo, you don't want to be the one that gets in a fight. that'll follow you around forever.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

How To: B.S Your Way Through a Presentation (as suggested by babian)

1) Scenario: you have to make a presentation about an important subject* in thirty minutes or less, or else you fail the course, get kicked out of the institution and have to be a roadie on the Kanye West world tour. However, the night before you were busy pwning n00bs on and forgot to study/prepare your presentation.
2) First thing to do: make sure your smoke machine is working correctly (smoke covering the ground at your feet for effect) and then start a monologue about yourself for as long as possible. This will ensure some sort of segway** into your topic of choice.
3) Monologue for approx. 10 minutes. This will lull your audience into a daze of your ego, so they will only be slightly aware of the thrilling/dumb stuff you are about to do for the next 20 mintues.
4) With your portable boom box*** (which you have previously loaded with a burned cd of such hits as "see you again" - miley cyrus, "sleep through the static" - jack johnson, "my sharona" - the knack, "blame it on the pop" - dj earworm, "hey ya"- outkast, "empire state of mind" - jay z/alicia keys, and "you can call me al" - paul simon) begin to lay down beats as loud as possible****.
5) Using your laptop*****, pull up some classic youtube videos such as: "stalking cat", or "blindfolded musical chairs" or "kid gets owned twice" or "How To: Drink a Deca Deca and Eat an Octomac." Try and make the volume on the videos overtake the volume of the music from your boom box.
6) Continue talking whilst all of this is going on, but mostly just say the name of your subject over and over again in animated tones and accents. Also, move your limbs around alot! This will make your presentation even MORE interesting!
7) Take questions! Taking your time to think of a "suitable" answer to the question is a great time user upper! And if they ask you something that could possibly be construde as "offensive," you can fight them! Fighting is an even better time user upper******!
8) Once the presentation is over, run out the door before anyone can catch you to ask you what the eff that was all about.

*such as: global warming, jane goodall, socialism or donald sutherland
**a way to start talking about your topic of choice... ex: "Last week i had an octomac... speaking of: i'd like to inform you about mad cow disease." "We were fated to meet... speaking of meat, i would like to tell you about the octomac i had last week."
***really old form of technology used for playing cd's/tapes out loud -unneccessary other than for special effect.
****This way your audience will have trouble hearing your exact words, and when you are asked to repeat yourself, you can say something else that is more intelligent.
*****If you don't have a laptop, you suck. Everyone has a laptop these days. Some people have two. Get with the times.
******The more fights you get in, the quicker your grader/judge/audience will try to end your presentation. Four or five is usually the rule.