How To: Get a Job

1) Only apply to the places you want* to work.

2) If at first you don't succeed, apply to all the places you kind of want to work.

3) When you get respectfully turned down** again, apply to the places you don't really want to work, but might make a good story***.

4) Once you are turned down once more**, apply at Burger King****.

5) Once you get an interview*****, charm them with your lovely white smile (brush your teeth and don't use scope plus whitening******)

6) Compliment them alot, for example: on their joyous phisique or jaunty attitude... perhaps a mention of their sparky tone? Whatever the comment, flattery goes a long way.

7) If all of this fails, have sex with them*******.

*remember, your future employer will be overjoyed that you are even applying... so go big or go home! apply at the airport!

**when you don't get the job/rejected

***example of a job that you don't really want but will make a good story: Laundress for teenage army cadets. one word: condoms.

****They're always hiring and pay well.

*****Which you will obv get

******It tastes like vomit

*******Don't actually do this. Unless of course, you are a prostitute.... and even then, don't do this if you didn't get the job.

How To: Make the Most of Your Friday

1. Prior to "Making the Most of Your Friday" you must know that it is in fact, Friday. * 2. Wake up, have your bowl, have your cereal. ** 3. Now that you are nourished, you must step outside to catch the bus. After all, there is still school today. 4. Upon waiting for the bus you will decide that "this shit ain't for me" so you should now call your friends and get them to pick you up. *** 5. When your friends arrive, you may find yourself in the situation of not knowing where to sit. Do you kick it in the front seat? Or the back seat? This is a common philisophical question. But to save time, just pick the back. 6. Once you have completed your day at school you now must make an appearance at which ever party you please. **** 7. Now that you are partying partying partying yeah! Make sure to keep your composure and keep your dance moves cool, even though we we so excited. 8. If a man who is more than twice your age wants to join your party, forget everything your elementary school teachers taught you. He is a solid rapper and knows how to party! So who cares if he wants to show you his Saturday. 9. Now that you have built up your street cred upon meeting an older friend, you will become cool enough to get invited to a backyard party. So advertise your "coolness" by jumping on stage and singing! *****

*Friday means that yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and afterwards is Sunday. **This will ensure that you will be able to build up your stamina to last you till the wee hours. ***Don't worry if they aren't old enough to drive. As long as they're rich enough to afford a convertible no one will care if they haven't even gone through puberty yet, because they can just pay off the police officer. ****If you do not get invited to any parties, just park your convertible in a parking lot, and dance around. People will eventually join. *****If you are shy and don't know what to do, just start singing "fun fun fun!" and any other thoughts you have about the weekend. Or even start reciting the days of the week.