How To: Avoid Getting the Swine Flu

1. Do not hang out* with any swiney wineys or swiners**
2. Avoid contact with people at all costs.***
3. Wear a protective mask and gloves.****
4. Do not high five. Instead, go for the casual high elbow.
5. Do not go to high populated areas*****
6. SANITIZE as much as possible. (You should go through a bottle per day)
7. Only eat food that has been packaged and never opened.
8. Never listen to people when they say swine flu is not as bad as the regular flu.******

*This may be difficult since many swiners are also liars. So if they say they don't have it.. they have it. And if they say that they do have it.. they have it.
**Swiney wineys/swiners: people that have contracted the swine flu (because they did not read this how to)
***If any contact does occur, shower. Five times.
****And anything else that will completely cover your skin
*****School, shopping areas, athletical purpose fields/courts.
******Fact: the swine flu is deadly.

How To: Fail a Drivers Test

1) Lock self out of car
2) Once in car, compliment driving assessor with something like "have you been dieting?"*
3) Turn key, and also stereo. This will ensure that the driving assessor cannot hear you when you begin cussing when you hit stuff en route.
4) Whilst the volume is fully turned up, begin telling your life story**
5) Ensure that life story has many tear jerking moments, as well as hilarity and many dramatic pauses and stanzas. ***
6) Speed alot. Especially through park/school zones.
7) Collide with things at random.**
8) Run multiple stop signs and red lights.**
9) At this point, the driving assessor will most likely have realized that you have been mega distracting him with your life story/the "fly beets" that you have been "cranking" throughout your trip, so now they will be quite angry with you. However, they will not lecture you, they will just write stuff down with a huffy breath. At this point, freaking out and getting nervous is applicable.
10) Repeat steps 6-8****
11) Once back at starting point, you will then be notified of your failure.
12) Pout.*****

*response will be something along the lines of "why do you think I have been dieting?" and you will then respond with a cheery, "no reason, I just assumed you probably should be." (cue smile)
**Do not shoulder check at any cost.
***You may lie if your life is that boring.
****After speeding through one more school/park zone, you may now begin to tell your deepest darkest secrets to the assessor. And then remind them that now they can't fail you. That will go over very well.
*****Disclosure: crying is for sissy's.

How To: Make the Most of Your Local State of Emergency

1) Ignore all warning announcements, go check it out yourself*
2) Assess the severity of the emergency on a scale of 1-10**
3) alksefja;lskf YOU WILL asdfadfLKJAF be okayyy***
4) Go to most effected area of emergency****
5) Upon your arrival, take advantage of the situation. ex. Skimboard.
6) As the severity of the emergency increases, you should begin praying for your life*****
7) AFTER THAT
8) YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU WILL LOSE ENERGY
8) and eventulay you wil beg'sin to git reaal tired.******
9) death is now imminent.

*If it is legitimately an emergency, your senses will alert you upon your arrival
**If the emergency is beyond a 5 on your personal emergency scale; begin flailing your extremities in the air whilst scampering around in a constant circle. Screaming is acceptable at this point.
***NOTE: This "How To" was written in a state of emergency (scale=9), therefore all gramatic or spelling errors are a result of fright/horror.
**** ex. the newly formed lake at your athletical*** purpose field/place where in shape people haaang.
*****such as: screaming "OH MY DEAR ADSL;FKJASDLKJAGOD COME SAVE USSSSSS!!!!! plz +thxu"
****** you should prob call the po po at this point, since they prob dont already know there's an emergency.******* plus they are probably all on donut break anyways.
*******1-250-911********
******** or desired area code

How To: Make the Most Out of Your Birthday

1. Create and present a birthday speach.*
2. Flaunt all your gifts to everyone you know.**
3. If you have not received a gift from a certain family member, simply manipulate them into doing whatever you want them to, because after all, you got them a present for their birthday.***
4. Wear a birthday hat, so that everyone knows it is legitimately your birthday****
5. Go out for birthday breakfast, lunch and dinner.*****
6. Once home, take advantage of your birthday-ness by doing everything that you normally can`t and do things that are unnecessary, just for the sake of not getting in trouble since it is your birthday.
7. When receiving your birthday cake, make sure there is enough candles to match your new age. If the cake maker got lazy and only gave your one or not enough candles, refuse to look at the cake (and cake maker) until there is a correct amount.
8. Congradulations, you have officially made the most out of your birthday.******

*Creating a speach may be difficult, so here is a guide line of a good birthday speach: ``hey bitchez, itz MY bday so u best not b messin wit me. i want my prezzies wrapped and my cards enveloped nd they bttr b comin all day cuz imma bday gurl 2day.``
**Do not over-flaunt to sketchy people, as they may steal your beloved posession(s). TIP: avoid people with mustaches, including your own father (or mother) if he (or she) has one.
***This may not work as thoroughly if you did not get them a present for their birthday.
****Make sure to wear the hat from 12am to 11:59pm to fully embrace your birthday hours.
*****When at the restaurant, demand that you recieve a birthday discount on your meal(s). If the waiter questions that it is actually your birthday, simply gesture towards your birthday hat.
******Warning: many people may hate you tomorrow.

How To: Wish Somone a Happy Birthday

1) Be positive that it is indeed their b-day
2) Purchase Beyonce's chart topping album "B'DAY"*
3) Find b-day-ee's house**
4) Throw album through b-day-ee's window.***
5) When a ruckass begins within house****, it is recommended that you hide.
6) Upon finding your gift in their bedroom, you will then hear cheers of joy and ecstasy.
7) Go home.
8) A few hours after returning home, go onto facebook and write "HAPPY B-DAY BOIII/GURRL! isn't this just like DEJA VU from last year?"
9) They will of course recognize the inference you have made and invite you to their b-day party immediately.

*Found at Wal-Mart. Weekdays: can often be found in $5 bin. Do not miss out on this incredible opportunity to shake your groove thang to Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm!" or "Deja Vu"
**Stalking is occasionally permitted if the situation requires
***Window closed? No worries, broken/cracked/shattered glass only adds to the dramatic effect of your wishing of a happy birthday
****They may believe you are a robber or stalker**

How To: "High Five"

1) When two people are enthused by one another, often, the urge to connect hands in a slapping motion occurs.
2) Do not fight this urge.*
3) Lock eyes
4) With a wild grin***, raise preferred hand****
5) If you are a lefty**** and your "high five" partner is not, the following steps will be quite tricky.
6)With extra care, swing your arm/hand towards theirs in unison with your partner. Across the body is most natural.
7) Connect hands in a loud slapping motion.******
8) Grin wildly with all of your teeth. Attempting to be a Ho Fo Sho at this point is UNACCEPTABLE (refer: "How To: Be a Ho Fo Sho")*******
9) Info: "High Five" is a term for the traditional way to slap hands in unison due to enthusiastic measures. You may also upgrade the status of your "High Five" by adding steps/dance moves/words/sneezes/movie quotes into your "High Five" routine. However, in doing so, you must find a different name for your slapping of hands ritual (ex. "High Fifteen" etc.). Also, your "hand slap-ee" must be aware of the additions to the routine. Otherwise, awkwardness will ensue.


*Fighting the urge will result in catastrophic** awkwardness.
**not dogastropic/dawgastrophic or kittycatastrophic. Using any of these words will result in confusion by all.
***A cheer is occasionally acceptable at this point
****knuckles of fingers aligned with eyeline, palm facing High Five-ee, arm and hand slightly ahead of body is most common. This is the universal action/symbol that you "want to "HIGH FIVE!"
*****Someone who goes against nature and uses their left hand for activities
******"Were we successful?"- If others in the room turn to watch or view the aftermath due to the large slapping noise, or cheer, or exclaim "get down! someone has a gun!", or asks you out on a date, or asks you to leave because your rowdiness is off the charts; you have then successfully "high five"'d.
*******Laughter is now permitted

How To: Achieve a German Boyfriend

1. Smile at your desired German whenever you can*
2. When he smiles back, strike a conversation with him
3. Hit on him in German, by saying, "ich will an ihnen riechen"**
4. If he is thoroughly impressed, he will ask you to join him for lunch
5. While at lunch, order shnitzel and beer***
6. When he asks you to be his girlfriend, say "nein", then say, "just kidding! jajajajajaja"
7. Now you officially have a German boyfriend.

*Although, it is suggested you do not smile for periods longer than 3 seconds as you may come off as creepy.
**His reply should be of flattery, but if not, just run (you do not want to mess around with an angry German)
***This will make him very impressed, and want to date you.

How To: Not Be Seen

1) Hide behind a bush or grassy knoll etc*
2) Ensure that you cannot be seen
3) If a man with a proper british accent says your name, your profession, the location of your household and the city in which you live, you will be enticed to stand up when he tells you to. This is a trap. Do not stand up.**
4) Be wary of your choice of hiding places.***
5) If you have chosen an ineffective hiding spot***, do not attempt to fool**** the man with the british accent. He will find you.
6) Never tell your neighbours where you are going. They will tell the british man, and you will be seen.*****

*trees, forestry, long grass, signs, fenceposts, stop signs, fatty's, bathtubs, desks, open fields, grannies, giraffes, John Cleese, automobiles, flower beds, shop windows and priests are all acceptable alternatives.
**If you stand up, you will be shot.
***Ex. a lone bush in an open field. This is seen easily as a place where someone cannot be seen. Therefore, it can easily be blown to smitherines.
****more than one bush in an open field as to throw them off
*****Your neighbour will (soon afterwards) be snuffed. Along with his home, and the place in which he was born.

For a demonstration of this informative How To, please search: How not to be seen (monty python) on youtube.