Saturday, January 23, 2010

How To: B.S Your Way Through a Presentation (as suggested by babian)

1) Scenario: you have to make a presentation about an important subject* in thirty minutes or less, or else you fail the course, get kicked out of the institution and have to be a roadie on the Kanye West world tour. However, the night before you were busy pwning n00bs on partypoker.com and forgot to study/prepare your presentation.
2) First thing to do: make sure your smoke machine is working correctly (smoke covering the ground at your feet for effect) and then start a monologue about yourself for as long as possible. This will ensure some sort of segway** into your topic of choice.
3) Monologue for approx. 10 minutes. This will lull your audience into a daze of your ego, so they will only be slightly aware of the thrilling/dumb stuff you are about to do for the next 20 mintues.
4) With your portable boom box*** (which you have previously loaded with a burned cd of such hits as "see you again" - miley cyrus, "sleep through the static" - jack johnson, "my sharona" - the knack, "blame it on the pop" - dj earworm, "hey ya"- outkast, "empire state of mind" - jay z/alicia keys, and "you can call me al" - paul simon) begin to lay down beats as loud as possible****.
5) Using your laptop*****, pull up some classic youtube videos such as: "stalking cat", or "blindfolded musical chairs" or "kid gets owned twice" or "How To: Drink a Deca Deca and Eat an Octomac." Try and make the volume on the videos overtake the volume of the music from your boom box.
6) Continue talking whilst all of this is going on, but mostly just say the name of your subject over and over again in animated tones and accents. Also, move your limbs around alot! This will make your presentation even MORE interesting!
7) Take questions! Taking your time to think of a "suitable" answer to the question is a great time user upper! And if they ask you something that could possibly be construde as "offensive," you can fight them! Fighting is an even better time user upper******!
8) Once the presentation is over, run out the door before anyone can catch you to ask you what the eff that was all about.

*such as: global warming, jane goodall, socialism or donald sutherland
**a way to start talking about your topic of choice... ex: "Last week i had an octomac... speaking of: i'd like to inform you about mad cow disease." "We were fated to meet... speaking of meat, i would like to tell you about the octomac i had last week."
***really old form of technology used for playing cd's/tapes out loud -unneccessary other than for special effect.
****This way your audience will have trouble hearing your exact words, and when you are asked to repeat yourself, you can say something else that is more intelligent.
*****If you don't have a laptop, you suck. Everyone has a laptop these days. Some people have two. Get with the times.
******The more fights you get in, the quicker your grader/judge/audience will try to end your presentation. Four or five is usually the rule.

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