How To: Decipher Between a Tomato and a Tomato

1) The only way to tell the difference between a tomato and a tomato is if you are within five feet* of the tomato or tomato.
2) Once you are within five feet*, you will have a solid understanding of the tomato or tomato and the attributes which accompany it.
3) Make a list of the attributes which accompany your tomato/tomato
4) Once list is fully completed** look for such descriptors as "generally disgusting" and "would look nice on a sandwich." etc.
5) Cross such descriptors off of list, as they are compatible for both a tomato and a tomato.
6) Search list for an attribute such as "sneaky lil devil". Or within a sentence such as: "I assume that kid on stage would appreciate my angst avec*** him if I threw this sneaky lil devil in his general direction." etc. ******
7) If attribute does not occupy a line or space on your list, throw your tomato or tomato over your shoulder.
8) If the tomato or tomato bursts and obliderates the scene facing your derriere****, you know that that was most certainly a tomato. If it does not burst, you know in fact that it was a tomato.
9) Note: Asking someone with an accent to accompany you with deciphering between a tomato and a tomato will only confuse matters.

*being within five feet of the the tomato/tomato ensures that you may feel/smell/throw/taste said tomato/tomato. This way, deciphering between the two is much simpler.
**Minimum 20 attributes (discluding such attributes as "vegetable", "supple", "rouge", and "n00bish" - unless you are still in the third grade).
***with*****
****behind*****
*****francais optional
******if list has either of these descriptors on it, you know that it is in fact a tomato.