1) When someone you dislike or currently do not appreciate attempts to speak with you via Facebook chat/msn, you must remain calm. Do not type to them to "eff off", as that will appear very untasteful on your part. Instead, harness your mental powers, and mentally tell them off with code and hidden psychic powers.
2) When they type to you "hey*", you will then say "oh hey!"**
3) They will then type "what's up"(or something of the sorts) and you will say "absolutely nothing, how are you these days?"***, in your most coolest of online voice.
4) They will probably say "great" and you will mentally tell them "eff you. i wanna smack you."
5) The conversation will continue in an awkward fashion, because at this point they will be beginning to recieve a strange vibe due to your subliminal mental messages etc.
6) When they begin monologue-ing about the end of the conversation ex. going offline, you will not reply.****
7) After a few minutes of silence, end the conversation with: "k bye."*****
*to start the conversation. There is a possibility they may also start with something along the lines of "hi", "heyz", "hay", "suppy", "cielo", "ciao", "bonjour", "ques-ce-sup", "howsit" etc.
**code: "eff you i donwanna talk go eff some other hobag you F!@@#$%%$%r"
***code: "eff you how do you not know what is up witme i effing hate you i hope you slipped in your own shiz repeatedly lately."
****This will cause guilt on their end.
***** code: "eff you."
Monday, December 28, 2009
How To: Win Over Your Cat
1) If you have just began to live with a cat, or you are a long time cat sitter, or you generally live with a cat, you know that you do not own your cat. Kitty owns you.
2) To win over your cat, you must first realize that kitty will never fully love you. They will appreciate you sometimes (ie. when you feed them) but generally, your cat just ignores you. So, make sure that you are always in their face.*
3) Pet/snuggle often. Even if your kitty attempts to escape, remind yourself that you are bigger and stronger (most likely)**.
4) Let kitty go outside whenever kitty pleases.
5) Hang around the screen door so that when your cat comes to it (wanting to come in), you will let them in immediately. Afterwards, follow it wherever they go, ensuring that they are aware that it was you who let them in.
6) Have conversations*** frequently.
7) If none of these suggestions help, you must now cover yourself in Catnip and go outside onto the street (to a neighbourhood with many cats).
8) When other cats arrive to hang out with you, ensure that your kitty is in sight.
9) Your cat will most likely become jealous, which will most likely result in a cat fight****.
10) When fighting finally ceases, walk off into the sunset with your cat. This will officially win your kitty over as cats love happy endings.
*always being around your cat will force kitty to take notice of you in a big way. That way, they can't ignore you.
**Remind yourself often that kitty is probably more scared of you than you are of it.
***Allow your cat to speak often, you do not want to trouble kitty with your melodrama.
****Literally.
2) To win over your cat, you must first realize that kitty will never fully love you. They will appreciate you sometimes (ie. when you feed them) but generally, your cat just ignores you. So, make sure that you are always in their face.*
3) Pet/snuggle often. Even if your kitty attempts to escape, remind yourself that you are bigger and stronger (most likely)**.
4) Let kitty go outside whenever kitty pleases.
5) Hang around the screen door so that when your cat comes to it (wanting to come in), you will let them in immediately. Afterwards, follow it wherever they go, ensuring that they are aware that it was you who let them in.
6) Have conversations*** frequently.
7) If none of these suggestions help, you must now cover yourself in Catnip and go outside onto the street (to a neighbourhood with many cats).
8) When other cats arrive to hang out with you, ensure that your kitty is in sight.
9) Your cat will most likely become jealous, which will most likely result in a cat fight****.
10) When fighting finally ceases, walk off into the sunset with your cat. This will officially win your kitty over as cats love happy endings.
*always being around your cat will force kitty to take notice of you in a big way. That way, they can't ignore you.
**Remind yourself often that kitty is probably more scared of you than you are of it.
***Allow your cat to speak often, you do not want to trouble kitty with your melodrama.
****Literally.
How To: Decipher Between a Tomato and a Tomato
1) The only way to tell the difference between a tomato and a tomato is if you are within five feet* of the tomato or tomato.
2) Once you are within five feet*, you will have a solid understanding of the tomato or tomato and the attributes which accompany it.
3) Make a list of the attributes which accompany your tomato/tomato
4) Once list is fully completed** look for such descriptors as "generally disgusting" and "would look nice on a sandwich." etc.
5) Cross such descriptors off of list, as they are compatible for both a tomato and a tomato.
6) Search list for an attribute such as "sneaky lil devil". Or within a sentence such as: "I assume that kid on stage would appreciate my angst avec*** him if I threw this sneaky lil devil in his general direction." etc. ******
7) If attribute does not occupy a line or space on your list, throw your tomato or tomato over your shoulder.
8) If the tomato or tomato bursts and obliderates the scene facing your derriere****, you know that that was most certainly a tomato. If it does not burst, you know in fact that it was a tomato.
9) Note: Asking someone with an accent to accompany you with deciphering between a tomato and a tomato will only confuse matters.
*being within five feet of the the tomato/tomato ensures that you may feel/smell/throw/taste said tomato/tomato. This way, deciphering between the two is much simpler.
**Minimum 20 attributes (discluding such attributes as "vegetable", "supple", "rouge", and "n00bish" - unless you are still in the third grade).
***with*****
****behind*****
*****francais optional
******if list has either of these descriptors on it, you know that it is in fact a tomato.
2) Once you are within five feet*, you will have a solid understanding of the tomato or tomato and the attributes which accompany it.
3) Make a list of the attributes which accompany your tomato/tomato
4) Once list is fully completed** look for such descriptors as "generally disgusting" and "would look nice on a sandwich." etc.
5) Cross such descriptors off of list, as they are compatible for both a tomato and a tomato.
6) Search list for an attribute such as "sneaky lil devil". Or within a sentence such as: "I assume that kid on stage would appreciate my angst avec*** him if I threw this sneaky lil devil in his general direction." etc. ******
7) If attribute does not occupy a line or space on your list, throw your tomato or tomato over your shoulder.
8) If the tomato or tomato bursts and obliderates the scene facing your derriere****, you know that that was most certainly a tomato. If it does not burst, you know in fact that it was a tomato.
9) Note: Asking someone with an accent to accompany you with deciphering between a tomato and a tomato will only confuse matters.
*being within five feet of the the tomato/tomato ensures that you may feel/smell/throw/taste said tomato/tomato. This way, deciphering between the two is much simpler.
**Minimum 20 attributes (discluding such attributes as "vegetable", "supple", "rouge", and "n00bish" - unless you are still in the third grade).
***with*****
****behind*****
*****francais optional
******if list has either of these descriptors on it, you know that it is in fact a tomato.
Monday, December 21, 2009
How To: Be an Asshole
1. Do not shower or wear deoderant*
2. Raise your arms in the air at any given opportunity.
3. Go up to someone and say, "holy crap! you staaaank!", then walk away.
4. If you are walking in front of people, make many sudden stops. If your abrupt stops cause someone to run into you, begin yelling at them**
5. Next, go to McDonalds and order a big mac, without lettuce and special sauce. Also ask them to remove the extra meat patty and bun***
6. Leave McDonalds in a fit of rage. (a "bet on it" breakout would be appropriate at this time)
7. If you happen to notice an old lady struggling to get across the street, push her down and say, "HURRY UP G-MA!"
8. Put gum all over the cross walk buttons.
9. Sexest jokes are VERY funny to all people.****
10. It's always your turn to talk.
*This is highly over-rated and a complete waste of your precious time.
**Eg: "IMMA BATCH SLAP YA SHAT BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or, "imma cut you......"
***Once you see the burger begin yelling, "WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS A FREAKING QUARTER POUNDER, I ASKED FOR A BIG MAC YOU ASS HOLE."
****If your listeners aren't laughing, repeat the punch line.
2. Raise your arms in the air at any given opportunity.
3. Go up to someone and say, "holy crap! you staaaank!", then walk away.
4. If you are walking in front of people, make many sudden stops. If your abrupt stops cause someone to run into you, begin yelling at them**
5. Next, go to McDonalds and order a big mac, without lettuce and special sauce. Also ask them to remove the extra meat patty and bun***
6. Leave McDonalds in a fit of rage. (a "bet on it" breakout would be appropriate at this time)
7. If you happen to notice an old lady struggling to get across the street, push her down and say, "HURRY UP G-MA!"
8. Put gum all over the cross walk buttons.
9. Sexest jokes are VERY funny to all people.****
10. It's always your turn to talk.
*This is highly over-rated and a complete waste of your precious time.
**Eg: "IMMA BATCH SLAP YA SHAT BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or, "imma cut you......"
***Once you see the burger begin yelling, "WHAT IS THIS?! THIS IS A FREAKING QUARTER POUNDER, I ASKED FOR A BIG MAC YOU ASS HOLE."
****If your listeners aren't laughing, repeat the punch line.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
How To: Waste a Snow Day
1) Go to school.*
2) Once at school, stay at school no matter what.**
3) Go to the Library, and take out magazine***
4) Leave magazine in class and lose happiness forever.
5) Once you have lost your happiness, begin hanging out with strange people****. Ex: a boy who talks/dances/jumps up and down with his hands in the air muttering "what's up what's up"
6) Wear shorts and sandals. - Go outside and shiver for a few minutes while watching the happy kids play happily. Then, go inside and watch a movie about the Vietnam war. Do not go back outside.
7) Have a personal conversation with teacher, mostly because they are the only person dumb enough to come to school that day (other than the fact that they are getting paid to).
8) Go on Facebook and MSN and text with people who are at home. Listen to their joy about this wonderous day of white.
7) Cry silently.
*Even if they say on the radio that all busses are cancelled, school is probably on. Skipping for a school day is for time wasters and yeti's (yeti's need these days to prey on unsuspecting snow blowers and bunnies).
**If one of your friends asks you to go frolic in the snow with them instead of watching the Matrix in English class... don't go. Going with them will be fun. Therefore, wastage of snow day= failure. Failure = you. You = suck.
***J14, Seventeen, YouthGirl, Rollingstone (only if there's a hottie on the front), Bark, Discoverykidz etc. are all reasonable choices.
****They are the only ones who are at school anyways.
2) Once at school, stay at school no matter what.**
3) Go to the Library, and take out magazine***
4) Leave magazine in class and lose happiness forever.
5) Once you have lost your happiness, begin hanging out with strange people****. Ex: a boy who talks/dances/jumps up and down with his hands in the air muttering "what's up what's up"
6) Wear shorts and sandals. - Go outside and shiver for a few minutes while watching the happy kids play happily. Then, go inside and watch a movie about the Vietnam war. Do not go back outside.
7) Have a personal conversation with teacher, mostly because they are the only person dumb enough to come to school that day (other than the fact that they are getting paid to).
8) Go on Facebook and MSN and text with people who are at home. Listen to their joy about this wonderous day of white.
7) Cry silently.
*Even if they say on the radio that all busses are cancelled, school is probably on. Skipping for a school day is for time wasters and yeti's (yeti's need these days to prey on unsuspecting snow blowers and bunnies).
**If one of your friends asks you to go frolic in the snow with them instead of watching the Matrix in English class... don't go. Going with them will be fun. Therefore, wastage of snow day= failure. Failure = you. You = suck.
***J14, Seventeen, YouthGirl, Rollingstone (only if there's a hottie on the front), Bark, Discoverykidz etc. are all reasonable choices.
****They are the only ones who are at school anyways.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How To: Use a Pickup Line
1) If you are attracted to someone but do not know how to spark a conversation with them, you are ready to use a pickup line.
2) Walk up to them*, and stay cool**
3) At this point, you can either use a pickup line you have heard before (ex. you:"hi, my name is Dayte Mi" hottie from across the room:"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Date Me!")
4) If you have never heard a pickup line before, just listen in on the conversation that your hottie from across the room is having. When you hear an interesting sentence that could be interpreted in a different (sexual) manner, repeat the sentence in a different (hilarious) voice, exentuating the interpretation you have taken, and making sure you are now a part of the conversation. ***
5) If you cannot do this, just make the situation even more hilarious by showing off your "interpretive skillz" and "comedic skillz."***
6) Break the ice! By telling them something interesting about your day*****.
7) Make sure you follow them around as much as possible, constantly using the steps above for pickup lines. As well, offer to buy them as much stuff as they can carry in their arms. Being rich is attractive, just look at Donald Trump.******
8) If your hottie from across the room is deaf, use signs to interpret to them what you are doing (which is trying to pick them up with your sweet lines).
9) If your hottie from across the room is not deaf, chances are you have probably picked them up by now.
*Do not yell across the room at them, that will make everyone aware of your intentions, and will therefore make you un-mysterious/un-attractive.
**Cool= like an ice sculpture, you do not want to be too expressive. However, do not lock your face in anything other than a calm, collected, "2kool4skool" face (fart face is unnacceptable at this point). Cool is also not tripping right in front of them and grabbing at "extremities" to keep yourself from falling on your face.
***ex. original sentence: "I just went to the bakery and bought fifty muffins." exentuated sentence: "OOOH you boughts us MUFFINS?! At the Baaeeekerray? Do the muffaains tasste gooood?"
****ex. original sentence: "I just had a french oral exam." interpretive skillz sentence: "ooooh, yoouu had a ORAL francais? hey?? Well, you probably passed that exam, you know what I mean?? Hey hey?? You would probably be a good teacher hey? Wanna tutor me? I'm free all the time!! DATE ME."
*****Chances are your life is lame, so just make something up. Tell them a story about something you saw on tv, but instead of the main characters name (ex. Crocodile Hunter or Tyra) use your own.
******The guy has a combover and is married to a supermodel.
2) Walk up to them*, and stay cool**
3) At this point, you can either use a pickup line you have heard before (ex. you:"hi, my name is Dayte Mi" hottie from across the room:"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Date Me!")
4) If you have never heard a pickup line before, just listen in on the conversation that your hottie from across the room is having. When you hear an interesting sentence that could be interpreted in a different (sexual) manner, repeat the sentence in a different (hilarious) voice, exentuating the interpretation you have taken, and making sure you are now a part of the conversation. ***
5) If you cannot do this, just make the situation even more hilarious by showing off your "interpretive skillz" and "comedic skillz."***
6) Break the ice! By telling them something interesting about your day*****.
7) Make sure you follow them around as much as possible, constantly using the steps above for pickup lines. As well, offer to buy them as much stuff as they can carry in their arms. Being rich is attractive, just look at Donald Trump.******
8) If your hottie from across the room is deaf, use signs to interpret to them what you are doing (which is trying to pick them up with your sweet lines).
9) If your hottie from across the room is not deaf, chances are you have probably picked them up by now.
*Do not yell across the room at them, that will make everyone aware of your intentions, and will therefore make you un-mysterious/un-attractive.
**Cool= like an ice sculpture, you do not want to be too expressive. However, do not lock your face in anything other than a calm, collected, "2kool4skool" face (fart face is unnacceptable at this point). Cool is also not tripping right in front of them and grabbing at "extremities" to keep yourself from falling on your face.
***ex. original sentence: "I just went to the bakery and bought fifty muffins." exentuated sentence: "OOOH you boughts us MUFFINS?! At the Baaeeekerray? Do the muffaains tasste gooood?"
****ex. original sentence: "I just had a french oral exam." interpretive skillz sentence: "ooooh, yoouu had a ORAL francais? hey?? Well, you probably passed that exam, you know what I mean?? Hey hey?? You would probably be a good teacher hey? Wanna tutor me? I'm free all the time!! DATE ME."
*****Chances are your life is lame, so just make something up. Tell them a story about something you saw on tv, but instead of the main characters name (ex. Crocodile Hunter or Tyra) use your own.
******The guy has a combover and is married to a supermodel.
How To: Drink a Nova-Nova
1. Order a extra large Nova-Nova (coffee with nine creams, nine sugars) from Tim Hortons*
2. Once your beverage is recieved, do not begin to fret if it is very chunky, this is only because of the large sugar quantities within the Nova-Nova.
3. Before drinking, make sure that the sugar is thoroughly mixed, otherwise you will end up with a sugar wasteland at the bottom of your cup.
4. Commence your drinking.**
5. If you begin to feel ill, DO NOT give up***
6. Upon completion, it is very appropriate to burst out in cheer and/or song, even if you are by yourself.****
*Caution: Do NOT ask for a Deca-Deca, as this will create a sugar/cream/coffee overload which will not fit in the XL (extra large) cup.
**Do not intake more than you can chug. This may result in serious injury or death.
***Giving up will make you appear to be a complete NOOB. People may want to exile you from Canada.
****Appropriate cheers: "HELL YEAHZ BEYATCHEZ, I CAME FROM THE STREETS, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW- JUST DRANKIN UP A NOVA-NOVA!", "YAYZ! I JUST TOTES DRANK A NOVA-NOVA!! CUZ IMMA SUPER NOVA!! LOLZ! WHO WANTS TO DATE ME??!!!!!!"
Appropriate songs: "I Am Beautiful - Christina Aguilara", "Numa Numa - O-Zone", "3 (times 3) - Britney Spears"
Want to see how the original How To: Drink a Nova Nova went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
2. Once your beverage is recieved, do not begin to fret if it is very chunky, this is only because of the large sugar quantities within the Nova-Nova.
3. Before drinking, make sure that the sugar is thoroughly mixed, otherwise you will end up with a sugar wasteland at the bottom of your cup.
4. Commence your drinking.**
5. If you begin to feel ill, DO NOT give up***
6. Upon completion, it is very appropriate to burst out in cheer and/or song, even if you are by yourself.****
*Caution: Do NOT ask for a Deca-Deca, as this will create a sugar/cream/coffee overload which will not fit in the XL (extra large) cup.
**Do not intake more than you can chug. This may result in serious injury or death.
***Giving up will make you appear to be a complete NOOB. People may want to exile you from Canada.
****Appropriate cheers: "HELL YEAHZ BEYATCHEZ, I CAME FROM THE STREETS, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW- JUST DRANKIN UP A NOVA-NOVA!", "YAYZ! I JUST TOTES DRANK A NOVA-NOVA!! CUZ IMMA SUPER NOVA!! LOLZ! WHO WANTS TO DATE ME??!!!!!!"
Appropriate songs: "I Am Beautiful - Christina Aguilara", "Numa Numa - O-Zone", "3 (times 3) - Britney Spears"
Want to see how the original How To: Drink a Nova Nova went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
How To: Eat An Octo-Mac
1. Request for an Octo-Mac from McDonalds.*
2. Once Octo-Mac has been recieved (don't worry if it takes the cooks a long time to make) find a suitable seating place, where many fellow McDonalds customers can watch you eat.
3. Retrieve yourself many napkins.
4. Clasp the Octo-Mac firmly between your two hands (one hand on each side) and pray for good luck, because you will need it.
5. DO NOT try to complete Octo-Mac in one bite.**
6. Start off by biting a piece from the Octo-Mac.***
7. You may start to realize the overwhelming amount of patties, but do not let this frighten you, because there are only eight.
8. Gradually let your bites get bigger, until your are comfortable with eating mouthfuls.****
9. Continue eating until the Octo-Mac is complete.
10. After completion of Octo-Mac, severe nausea may occur*****
11. Caution: major street cred may now occur.
*If they do not comprehend, ask for a Double Big Mac with four extra patties.
**This will not work, and can only end up in total failure. Also, people will assume you are a noob when you do this and spray you with water.
***You may notice grease dripping from the Octo-Mac, dirtying your designated eating area but do not worry, this is why you are equipped with many napkins
****Warning: at this point, people may stare at you, but it is only out of pure jealousy.
*****Nibbling on some McNuggets will make you feel better, since they contain only the finest chickens, this will settle your stomach, and allow you to feel top notch for the rest of the day.
Want to see how the original How To: Eat an Octo Mac went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
2. Once Octo-Mac has been recieved (don't worry if it takes the cooks a long time to make) find a suitable seating place, where many fellow McDonalds customers can watch you eat.
3. Retrieve yourself many napkins.
4. Clasp the Octo-Mac firmly between your two hands (one hand on each side) and pray for good luck, because you will need it.
5. DO NOT try to complete Octo-Mac in one bite.**
6. Start off by biting a piece from the Octo-Mac.***
7. You may start to realize the overwhelming amount of patties, but do not let this frighten you, because there are only eight.
8. Gradually let your bites get bigger, until your are comfortable with eating mouthfuls.****
9. Continue eating until the Octo-Mac is complete.
10. After completion of Octo-Mac, severe nausea may occur*****
11. Caution: major street cred may now occur.
*If they do not comprehend, ask for a Double Big Mac with four extra patties.
**This will not work, and can only end up in total failure. Also, people will assume you are a noob when you do this and spray you with water.
***You may notice grease dripping from the Octo-Mac, dirtying your designated eating area but do not worry, this is why you are equipped with many napkins
****Warning: at this point, people may stare at you, but it is only out of pure jealousy.
*****Nibbling on some McNuggets will make you feel better, since they contain only the finest chickens, this will settle your stomach, and allow you to feel top notch for the rest of the day.
Want to see how the original How To: Eat an Octo Mac went down? Search: "How To: Drink a Deca Deca & Eat an Octo Mac" on youtube now!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How To: Pwn Noobs
1. In order to pwn a noob, you can not be a noob yourself*
2. Find a noob**
3. Attract your noobs attention by yelling out, "free hugs!"***
4. Once your noob is attention is focused completely on you, pull out your water gun, and spray the noob in the face.****
5. Upon being sprayed with water, the noob should begin melting.
6. Congratulations, you have officially just pwned a noob.
*To find out whether you are a noob or not, ask your neighbourhood gamer.
**You can find a noob in any public setting. You will know right away when you see a one.
***This will attract your noob because all noobs are very lonely and love hugs.
****At this time, it would be appropriate to begin yelling, "BOOM! HEAD SHOT!"
2. Find a noob**
3. Attract your noobs attention by yelling out, "free hugs!"***
4. Once your noob is attention is focused completely on you, pull out your water gun, and spray the noob in the face.****
5. Upon being sprayed with water, the noob should begin melting.
6. Congratulations, you have officially just pwned a noob.
*To find out whether you are a noob or not, ask your neighbourhood gamer.
**You can find a noob in any public setting. You will know right away when you see a one.
***This will attract your noob because all noobs are very lonely and love hugs.
****At this time, it would be appropriate to begin yelling, "BOOM! HEAD SHOT!"
How To: Meet the Parents
1) Find some parents*
2) Invite yourself over. They will obviously want this to happen, seeing as you are so blindingly attractive and kind**
3) Once at house, ensure that parents have more/equally attractive offspring.***
4) If offspring is attractive, compliment them profusely. Do not: maul/insult them.
5) Parents will now be aware of you and their offsprings new relationship.****
*common places to locate parents: PTA meetings, playgrounds, Safeway, Disneyland, McDonalds, Camp Rock/Twilight movie premiers etc.
**To give off the appearance that you are kind, pat child of parents on head or otherwise compliment people. Do not: push child to ground. Insult anybody. Punch somebody in the face. Etc.
***If attractive offspring is not present, do not enter house. Run.
****If offspring disagrees, parents will obviously be on your side. If child persists, you may then maul/insult them until they agree. You will then reward them with a small gift of coffee beans and all will be forgiven.
Disclaimer: If you have seen the film "Meet the Parents/Fockers", you are only required to refer to this How To briefly before meeting them.
2) Invite yourself over. They will obviously want this to happen, seeing as you are so blindingly attractive and kind**
3) Once at house, ensure that parents have more/equally attractive offspring.***
4) If offspring is attractive, compliment them profusely. Do not: maul/insult them.
5) Parents will now be aware of you and their offsprings new relationship.****
*common places to locate parents: PTA meetings, playgrounds, Safeway, Disneyland, McDonalds, Camp Rock/Twilight movie premiers etc.
**To give off the appearance that you are kind, pat child of parents on head or otherwise compliment people. Do not: push child to ground. Insult anybody. Punch somebody in the face. Etc.
***If attractive offspring is not present, do not enter house. Run.
****If offspring disagrees, parents will obviously be on your side. If child persists, you may then maul/insult them until they agree. You will then reward them with a small gift of coffee beans and all will be forgiven.
Disclaimer: If you have seen the film "Meet the Parents/Fockers", you are only required to refer to this How To briefly before meeting them.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
How To: Write a Seductive Letter
1) Find someone attractive* enough to write a letter to
2) Once said attractive* person has been located, find paper and pen.**
3) Begin describing their beauty. Ex: "You are excessively attractive. I am unworthy. But I must be alright since you are reading this, so therefore, we should totes d8."
4) Describe what you think about them. Ex: "I think that I might begin to stalking you. Don't worry, it's not that creepy, I'm just watching you sleep. Edward Cullen does it all the time."
5) Playfully threaten them. Ex: "If you don't want to d8 me it's okay, i'll just die alone. Wait, who am I kidding, you're coming with me right? haha lolz. roflcopter. lolocaust. get it?"
6) Talk about your strong points***. Ex: Self Esteem.
7) Once you have completed your letter, you must sign your name with a seductive/mysterious pen name.****
8) And a artistic heart after your pen name will complete the letter, and send your "letter reciever" into a frenzy.
*vital for effective poeticness. if said "letter reciever" is unnattractive/grannie like, letter will lack in seductiveness (ex. your stupid face makes me want to run you over with the ride on lawn mower, so i can share you with everybody)
**Ability to write is needed. If you cannot, buy yourself an iphone and download the "learn how to write" application.
***DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. it will make you appear needy/super lame.
****A pen name that is the name of an already famous author will give you ultimate seductive qualities as well as badassness and credibility*****
*****Ex: Tim O'Brien - acclaimed vietnam war author, Carolyn Bergmann - author of "The Common Sense Guide to Parenting Teens", Henry Spencer Ashbee- erotic novelist.
2) Once said attractive* person has been located, find paper and pen.**
3) Begin describing their beauty. Ex: "You are excessively attractive. I am unworthy. But I must be alright since you are reading this, so therefore, we should totes d8."
4) Describe what you think about them. Ex: "I think that I might begin to stalking you. Don't worry, it's not that creepy, I'm just watching you sleep. Edward Cullen does it all the time."
5) Playfully threaten them. Ex: "If you don't want to d8 me it's okay, i'll just die alone. Wait, who am I kidding, you're coming with me right? haha lolz. roflcopter. lolocaust. get it?"
6) Talk about your strong points***. Ex: Self Esteem.
7) Once you have completed your letter, you must sign your name with a seductive/mysterious pen name.****
8) And a artistic heart after your pen name will complete the letter, and send your "letter reciever" into a frenzy.
*vital for effective poeticness. if said "letter reciever" is unnattractive/grannie like, letter will lack in seductiveness (ex. your stupid face makes me want to run you over with the ride on lawn mower, so i can share you with everybody)
**Ability to write is needed. If you cannot, buy yourself an iphone and download the "learn how to write" application.
***DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. it will make you appear needy/super lame.
****A pen name that is the name of an already famous author will give you ultimate seductive qualities as well as badassness and credibility*****
*****Ex: Tim O'Brien - acclaimed vietnam war author, Carolyn Bergmann - author of "The Common Sense Guide to Parenting Teens", Henry Spencer Ashbee- erotic novelist.
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