How To: Put on Pants

1) grasp pants* by the brim of the garment (around the large gaping hole at top of article of clothing) and ensure that pants* are facing right direction: button and zipper facing away from you
2) tightly grasping the brim of the pants* insert one**foot through hole
3) aim foot for the right passage through the large hole at the top (typically, right foot goes through right hole and visa-versa avec*** left foot).
4) when foot is firmly on the ground, and your little piggies****are all in view from sticking out of the bottom pant hole, repeat with left foot from step 2. Afterwards, continue with steps.
5) With both feet set firmly on the ground, pull upwards (still grasping brim tightly) on pants*
6) Keep in mind not to pull too hard as you may get a wedgie*****
7) Once brim of pants* is sufficiently around hips/waist******continue by fastening button and zipping zipper.
8) Voila! you are wearing pants*!

*jeans/slacks/trousers/pantalon/pantaloni/not shorts
**advisory: inserting more than one foot will make you appear silly
***with
****reference to the childrens rhyme "this little piggie". In said rhyme, each of your toes is a specific little piggie, going off on their own in the world to such places as: the market etc. However, your pinky toe (the littlest piggie) is a bit of a mamas boy, and subsequently, goes all the way home.
*****Wedgie: having pants* or underwears bunched up and stuck between your gluteus maximus's (tooshie). To "pick your wedgie" simply refers to un-wedgieing yourself. This is a common term amongst youngsters aged 9-55.
******not knees